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Another bout with letting go..........
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 619399" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thank you all for your wise and comforting responses........it means a lot to me and brings a real solace to know you understand. You are all so dear to me......</p><p></p><p>Well, I had a realization earlier today about that sadness I felt about my granddaughter and the end of this pattern of enabling with her. I'll try to explain this ........... it is still feeling pretty raw............one of the hallmarks of enabling is that you feel as if you can control another, that you have the power and the authority to actually change, fix, improve and dictate what another can do. It is very powerful, heady and all encompassing. I was still engulfed in that thinking when I raised my daughter and sister, I thought no matter what evolves, I can control it and I can work out anything that happens by the sheer force of my will and my love and commitment...........</p><p></p><p>................Well, guess what? I don't have the enablers armor any longer.............I don't have that magic cloak that can protect those around me from harm............I am not Super woman who can leap tall buildings in s single bound............I am just little ole me, I can't control my granddaughter's life and <em>keep her from harm.</em> And, that brings up a kind of vulnerability unlike anything I've ever felt before. </p><p></p><p>This vulnerability feels deep and real and very, very open..............yet tender, yielding, a surrender into uncertainty and the great unknown...............sigh.............and there have been some tears too...........</p><p></p><p>I can see now that as this was emerging from inside of me, I was trying to keep it down, I was trying to feel anger, resentment, pretty much anything other then............<em>.vulnerability.</em>.....</p><p></p><p>My belief is that life is a teacher............I've often read that "when the student is ready, the teacher appears"..............I think I had become ready to feel this vulnerability...............2 weeks ago at my workplace I had a strange experience with an odd guy (I think he was mentally ill) who came into my office and had a meltdown. My office is in a 160 year old huge 3 story mansion amidst a bunch of houses, but the property around the mansion is remote. The walls are 2 feet thick. I was completely alone as I often am. He was very agitated and I had to insist he leave. He did. However, afterwards, it occurred to me how <em>vulnerable</em> I am there.</p><p></p><p>The Board where I work is instituting major changes as a result with security cameras, panic buttons, the works..............but the feeling of vulnerability, to some degree stayed.</p><p></p><p>Then the incident with my granddaughter and my recognition of my vulnerability. </p><p></p><p><em>Vulnerability</em>. This feels as if a part of my heart has opened up.........a part I wasn't even aware was closed off until now..........this is a whole new me coming out. Without the kind of 'all-knowing, always strong and capable, can take care of anything' persona...........it feels as if something important has cracked open............</p><p></p><p>Not to say this is a sudden eruption of a new persona, I have really been at this unraveling for decades.....letting go..........letting go.............surrendering to what is........learning acceptance..........uncovering my real self...........</p><p></p><p>I just cried to SO...........recalling a time when my granddaughter was about 7 and we were driving and she was in the back seat and she said, "Grammy, you know what I want?" I said, "no what?" She said, " I just want to have a normal life." Her Dad had killed himself, her half-sisters were taken away, her mother went insane..............my heart near broke hearing that...........</p><p></p><p>When I was 7 and a good part of my adult life, what I always wanted <em>was to have a "normal" life. </em></p><p></p><p>When SO and my granddaughter and I all got together, we all began a journey into a "normal" life............for she and I, it was a first.</p><p></p><p> Along with that "normal" life comes the profound realization that I am out there in life with absolutely no safety net...........that level of fragility and remarkable preciousness of each moment just takes my breath away..................it is just about the most tender feeling I can imagine feeling.............and........... surviving.</p><p></p><p>Resistance to vulnerability creates the false self, the inauthentic persona which destroys the real SELF.............becoming REAL hurts like the dickens......and yet even in this soft, tender place.............I have to say, it is worth whatever it takes to get here............shaky as it all is right now, it feels right, it feels good, I feel more at home in my own body, in my own self........I am in AWE............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 619399, member: 13542"] Thank you all for your wise and comforting responses........it means a lot to me and brings a real solace to know you understand. You are all so dear to me...... Well, I had a realization earlier today about that sadness I felt about my granddaughter and the end of this pattern of enabling with her. I'll try to explain this ........... it is still feeling pretty raw............one of the hallmarks of enabling is that you feel as if you can control another, that you have the power and the authority to actually change, fix, improve and dictate what another can do. It is very powerful, heady and all encompassing. I was still engulfed in that thinking when I raised my daughter and sister, I thought no matter what evolves, I can control it and I can work out anything that happens by the sheer force of my will and my love and commitment........... ................Well, guess what? I don't have the enablers armor any longer.............I don't have that magic cloak that can protect those around me from harm............I am not Super woman who can leap tall buildings in s single bound............I am just little ole me, I can't control my granddaughter's life and [I]keep her from harm.[/I] And, that brings up a kind of vulnerability unlike anything I've ever felt before. This vulnerability feels deep and real and very, very open..............yet tender, yielding, a surrender into uncertainty and the great unknown...............sigh.............and there have been some tears too........... I can see now that as this was emerging from inside of me, I was trying to keep it down, I was trying to feel anger, resentment, pretty much anything other then............[I].vulnerability.[/I]..... My belief is that life is a teacher............I've often read that "when the student is ready, the teacher appears"..............I think I had become ready to feel this vulnerability...............2 weeks ago at my workplace I had a strange experience with an odd guy (I think he was mentally ill) who came into my office and had a meltdown. My office is in a 160 year old huge 3 story mansion amidst a bunch of houses, but the property around the mansion is remote. The walls are 2 feet thick. I was completely alone as I often am. He was very agitated and I had to insist he leave. He did. However, afterwards, it occurred to me how [I]vulnerable[/I] I am there. The Board where I work is instituting major changes as a result with security cameras, panic buttons, the works..............but the feeling of vulnerability, to some degree stayed. Then the incident with my granddaughter and my recognition of my vulnerability. [I]Vulnerability[/I]. This feels as if a part of my heart has opened up.........a part I wasn't even aware was closed off until now..........this is a whole new me coming out. Without the kind of 'all-knowing, always strong and capable, can take care of anything' persona...........it feels as if something important has cracked open............ Not to say this is a sudden eruption of a new persona, I have really been at this unraveling for decades.....letting go..........letting go.............surrendering to what is........learning acceptance..........uncovering my real self........... I just cried to SO...........recalling a time when my granddaughter was about 7 and we were driving and she was in the back seat and she said, "Grammy, you know what I want?" I said, "no what?" She said, " I just want to have a normal life." Her Dad had killed himself, her half-sisters were taken away, her mother went insane..............my heart near broke hearing that........... When I was 7 and a good part of my adult life, what I always wanted [I]was to have a "normal" life. [/I] When SO and my granddaughter and I all got together, we all began a journey into a "normal" life............for she and I, it was a first. Along with that "normal" life comes the profound realization that I am out there in life with absolutely no safety net...........that level of fragility and remarkable preciousness of each moment just takes my breath away..................it is just about the most tender feeling I can imagine feeling.............and........... surviving. Resistance to vulnerability creates the false self, the inauthentic persona which destroys the real SELF.............becoming REAL hurts like the dickens......and yet even in this soft, tender place.............I have to say, it is worth whatever it takes to get here............shaky as it all is right now, it feels right, it feels good, I feel more at home in my own body, in my own self........I am in AWE............ [/QUOTE]
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Another bout with letting go..........
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