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Another bout with letting go..........
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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 619540" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>Recovering,</p><p></p><p>this is so important!!! And the development of that skill, or the blossoming of that ability, is a gift born out of the hard hard work of dealing with difficult child's....in buddhism...no mud, no lotus. No beautiful flower without dirty wet stuff under it. </p><p></p><p>I have found that detaching from difficult child (and also from my ex, whom I enabled in big ways) percolated through my life in such healthy ways. My admittedly toxic controlling relationship with my teenage daughter...when she left for college I just totally let go...In a week, in a day...I just embodied the idea that she was now 2000 miles away, and all I could do was support her when she asked. It was FANTASTIC for our relationship. We still fight sometimes, but I know she feels seen, known, supported. And I feel the same from her. And it is because...I STOPPED TRYING TO CONTROL HER. She doesn't attack or undermine me, and I don't manipulate and undermine her. SEems pretty basic, doesn't it..and yet...such a long journey. </p><p></p><p>at work yestarday my boss, who is generally quite a fair and reasonable guy, but is old enough to be my dad and we work in a very hieracrchical world...went after me in a group meeting, saying unfounded things and holding me accountable for things that were completely outside my purview or control. I left the building after the meeting, walked around and around (and stopped at a diner and ate too much). I wasn't sure I could come back to work, I was afraid I would burst out inappropriately, say things in anger, generalize, burst into tears. I fantasized about quitting, thought of other jobs, thought how awkward it would be for him if the only woman at my level left (I had fun with that). but then...I came back and walked straight into his office. I reported on the facts on the twon main issues at hand. I reminded him that neither he NOR I were at the meeting that went askew that he blamed me for (in fact he and I were together). I told him that I felt he had attacked me inappropriately, and that his memory was wrong (he said I was bringing things in out of the blue, whereas in fact I was bringing up things that had been openly discussed at not one but two retreats this year). I didn't yell, cry, or generalize (although my voice may have wavered a bit at one point). I felt fine, and clear. And then it was over. </p><p></p><p>In the past I would have eaten all that. Rolled over and showed my belly, smiled weakly (I hate that) accommodated.</p><p></p><p>I am so much better now. I can see it in so many ways, reflected through the prism of your experience, and that of so many others on the site, but especially you and Cedar.</p><p></p><p>No mud no lotus. Its great.</p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 619540, member: 17269"] Recovering, this is so important!!! And the development of that skill, or the blossoming of that ability, is a gift born out of the hard hard work of dealing with difficult child's....in buddhism...no mud, no lotus. No beautiful flower without dirty wet stuff under it. I have found that detaching from difficult child (and also from my ex, whom I enabled in big ways) percolated through my life in such healthy ways. My admittedly toxic controlling relationship with my teenage daughter...when she left for college I just totally let go...In a week, in a day...I just embodied the idea that she was now 2000 miles away, and all I could do was support her when she asked. It was FANTASTIC for our relationship. We still fight sometimes, but I know she feels seen, known, supported. And I feel the same from her. And it is because...I STOPPED TRYING TO CONTROL HER. She doesn't attack or undermine me, and I don't manipulate and undermine her. SEems pretty basic, doesn't it..and yet...such a long journey. at work yestarday my boss, who is generally quite a fair and reasonable guy, but is old enough to be my dad and we work in a very hieracrchical world...went after me in a group meeting, saying unfounded things and holding me accountable for things that were completely outside my purview or control. I left the building after the meeting, walked around and around (and stopped at a diner and ate too much). I wasn't sure I could come back to work, I was afraid I would burst out inappropriately, say things in anger, generalize, burst into tears. I fantasized about quitting, thought of other jobs, thought how awkward it would be for him if the only woman at my level left (I had fun with that). but then...I came back and walked straight into his office. I reported on the facts on the twon main issues at hand. I reminded him that neither he NOR I were at the meeting that went askew that he blamed me for (in fact he and I were together). I told him that I felt he had attacked me inappropriately, and that his memory was wrong (he said I was bringing things in out of the blue, whereas in fact I was bringing up things that had been openly discussed at not one but two retreats this year). I didn't yell, cry, or generalize (although my voice may have wavered a bit at one point). I felt fine, and clear. And then it was over. In the past I would have eaten all that. Rolled over and showed my belly, smiled weakly (I hate that) accommodated. I am so much better now. I can see it in so many ways, reflected through the prism of your experience, and that of so many others on the site, but especially you and Cedar. No mud no lotus. Its great. Echo [/QUOTE]
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