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Another bump on the difficult child highway
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 608431" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>I know this is true, because I have been able to choose a healthier attitude for myself when things are dark with difficult child daughter. The strangest part is how hard it is to muster that same strength when things are quiet. As you had posted to me once Recovering, this time is "a practice, a new beginning, a new life which requires great care."</p><p></p><p>(See? I did post that on the fridge. :O)</p><p></p><p>I have been thinking about your daughter's FB post, Recovering. My mom was difficult, too. I too swore a solemn vow that I would change things for the generation of children I was responsible for bringing to adulthood. It would devastate me, too, to know that my child was suffering over something she needed to hear from me ~ and that it was the same kind of thing I had needed so desperately to hear from my own mother.</p><p></p><p>I am pleased that your daughter's friend responded as he did.</p><p></p><p>I feel quite defensive over the way your daughter hurts you. She has excellent instincts, to know so certainly just where to aim and when and how to strike.</p><p></p><p>I suppose everything we are going through could be seen as a variation of the way famous football players love their moms on television. Mom really had nothing to do with it. It was the child who held the goal and did the work. Same thing, for us. Given that they had us for mothers, our daughters too have worked very hard ~ almost impossibly hard ~ to attain their goals AGAINST ALL ODDS. And whatever we do for them, the result is the same...again, against all odds. </p><p></p><p>So, what's really going on, here?</p><p></p><p>Our daughters continue to be, and seem to want to be, dependent on us in inappropriate ways. There is always a need for more of our stuff, more of our money, more of our horrified concern, more of our unending affirmation and unshakeable love. There are moms who are pretty self-centered while raising their kids. Maybe that is how we need to be, too. I have a problem with that though, because of the way I was brought up. One way or another, I am always trying to fix things. Even on a cosmic level. "I will break the chain of abuse. I will choose love, if it kills me. I will forgive. I will change the destiny of this genetic line I was born into."</p><p></p><p>It's like I am wearing a set of blinders.</p><p></p><p>Once we've realized there could never be enough money, because our daughters invariably destroy or lose what we give them ~ and are as cavalier about what someone else gives them ~ then our goal should be to say, without reservation and in our own hearts, right in that same place that vow lives, that we love and wish these difficult children well, but that we are going to start calling a spade a spade. </p><p></p><p>There are moms and dads out there that get burnt once or twice and that's all there is. No more money, no more replacing things, no more worrying about them when they consistently make the choices that will keep them traveling paths that shatter our intent and destroy our peace. The parent sees clearly...and never was very good at letting anyone walk all over them.</p><p></p><p>Remember that old Simon and Garfunkle song about how his mama loved him? So he could tell anyone what they could do with their rudeness or inappropriate expectations? (Okay. So they didn't use those words in the song.)</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>The problem, at least for me, is that I spent my life feeling responsible and trying to make up for, the emotional shortcomings in my family of origin. After that of course, came the cruelty and general nastiness in the world at large. I don't know how to do balanced response without feeling like I have betrayed that vow I have lived my life by. But my daughter is teaching me that vow needs to be refined.</p><p></p><p>I don't know what that is going to look like.</p><p></p><p>But I am still being presented option after option to do that work.</p><p></p><p>I will make a post about what difficult child daughter has been up to, lately.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 608431, member: 1721"] I know this is true, because I have been able to choose a healthier attitude for myself when things are dark with difficult child daughter. The strangest part is how hard it is to muster that same strength when things are quiet. As you had posted to me once Recovering, this time is "a practice, a new beginning, a new life which requires great care." (See? I did post that on the fridge. :O) I have been thinking about your daughter's FB post, Recovering. My mom was difficult, too. I too swore a solemn vow that I would change things for the generation of children I was responsible for bringing to adulthood. It would devastate me, too, to know that my child was suffering over something she needed to hear from me ~ and that it was the same kind of thing I had needed so desperately to hear from my own mother. I am pleased that your daughter's friend responded as he did. I feel quite defensive over the way your daughter hurts you. She has excellent instincts, to know so certainly just where to aim and when and how to strike. I suppose everything we are going through could be seen as a variation of the way famous football players love their moms on television. Mom really had nothing to do with it. It was the child who held the goal and did the work. Same thing, for us. Given that they had us for mothers, our daughters too have worked very hard ~ almost impossibly hard ~ to attain their goals AGAINST ALL ODDS. And whatever we do for them, the result is the same...again, against all odds. So, what's really going on, here? Our daughters continue to be, and seem to want to be, dependent on us in inappropriate ways. There is always a need for more of our stuff, more of our money, more of our horrified concern, more of our unending affirmation and unshakeable love. There are moms who are pretty self-centered while raising their kids. Maybe that is how we need to be, too. I have a problem with that though, because of the way I was brought up. One way or another, I am always trying to fix things. Even on a cosmic level. "I will break the chain of abuse. I will choose love, if it kills me. I will forgive. I will change the destiny of this genetic line I was born into." It's like I am wearing a set of blinders. Once we've realized there could never be enough money, because our daughters invariably destroy or lose what we give them ~ and are as cavalier about what someone else gives them ~ then our goal should be to say, without reservation and in our own hearts, right in that same place that vow lives, that we love and wish these difficult children well, but that we are going to start calling a spade a spade. There are moms and dads out there that get burnt once or twice and that's all there is. No more money, no more replacing things, no more worrying about them when they consistently make the choices that will keep them traveling paths that shatter our intent and destroy our peace. The parent sees clearly...and never was very good at letting anyone walk all over them. Remember that old Simon and Garfunkle song about how his mama loved him? So he could tell anyone what they could do with their rudeness or inappropriate expectations? (Okay. So they didn't use those words in the song.) :O) The problem, at least for me, is that I spent my life feeling responsible and trying to make up for, the emotional shortcomings in my family of origin. After that of course, came the cruelty and general nastiness in the world at large. I don't know how to do balanced response without feeling like I have betrayed that vow I have lived my life by. But my daughter is teaching me that vow needs to be refined. I don't know what that is going to look like. But I am still being presented option after option to do that work. I will make a post about what difficult child daughter has been up to, lately. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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