Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Another bump on the difficult child highway
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 608439" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh Cedar, thank you. Your posts are very soothing to me, I know you are right there with me with our <em>daughters of the darkness.</em>....</p><p></p><p>Yes, "a new life which requires great care".........this new life is like a baby which needs nurturing and a lot of attention, it's been dying on the vine for awhile.............an older woman came in my office this morning............she said all the right things to me to put me back on the proper path, as you have in your post...............I believe, if we keep ourselves awake and don't fall into the old traps, we are "sent" reminders............ people, books, television shows (the Happy documentary), a new way of thinking....... whatever............ I see them as "clues" to keep us on track. </p><p></p><p>Isn't it interesting that you and I did not receive appropriate mothering and did so much to create a different path for our daughter's........... and look where they landed? Hmmmmm. Lends more weight indeed to my thoughts about choosing joy, regardless of the circumstances of our lives. We always have that choice. I've been choosing it over and over again for the last few days, it has required my attention and focus. Sometimes more then others. I think that is the human experience though, many different webs to get caught in..........and get out of...............</p><p></p><p>Your 'defensiveness' about my daughter's great aim really made me smile, thank you for that (<em>calling a spade a spade are you?</em>) My SO says similar stuff a lot. Unlike your husband who has been in the trenches with you all these years and is your daughter's Dad, my SO is relatively new on the scene and can see through my daughter's many faces............I hear myself sticking up for her sometimes only to recognize quickly that he is almost always absolutely correct. Sometimes it's difficult to realize that your own child is someone who can be that manipulative and deceptive and in some cases cruel.</p><p></p><p>My daughter's Dad's comment last year when she really hit the skids was, "I'm going to wash my hands of her." He was always able to walk away from her and it was such an irony that he said that because in my eyes he had done that 38 years ago, he just hadn't announced it yet. That opposite pole added more weight to my own enabling...................guilt for both he AND I. </p><p></p><p>Yes, I too put much effort into "breaking the chains of abuse" it was pretty much a full time job for most of my life. My idea now is to <em>retire from that expedition</em>, to let go of it, I did what I did and in many ways I healed myself of so much of the trauma I was born into...............<em>that's enough.</em> My daughter has to live out her fate now, whatever that is. <em><strong>I have done enough</strong>. </em>Knowing that, believing that, is what is liberating me from my family genetics....................one choice at a time.............</p><p></p><p>Yes, that vow needs to be refined. For sure. I made a vow one time, many years ago, when my little daughter had such an enormous and horrible asthma attack that the Doctors told me she would likely not live through the night. She was 2 years old. Another mother and I sat in the chapel praying. I was intensely asking God to save my baby, I said, I would do <em>anything and everything for her,</em> to make her happy, to give her a wonderful life, if he let her live. Well, she lived and I kept my promise. And, one day, sometime in the last 2 years, I remembered that prayer of long ago..................I revised that and this time included myself and gave her over to her destiny and into the hands of God. Sometimes we mothers make promises we just can't keep. Sigh.</p><p></p><p>You know Cedar, this is really in many unique and sometimes challenging ways, the beginning of my own actual life which is not overrun with the needs, issues, illnesses, manipulations, dramas and challenges of someone else's life. I too thought that giving and helping was a part of being a good person. I believe it is, as long as giving to and helping yourself is included in that equation. I always consider my therapist making that statement which in many ways shifted everything for me, she said, "you absorb the deficiencies of others." Clearly I wanted to give that one up. </p><p></p><p>What I've learned is how to make strong boundaries, identify my <em>own</em> needs and yet keep the intimacy intact with those closest to me, without having to be so independent as to not have that intimacy, and not so dependent so as to be needy, but to be interdependent. And, now to teach my granddaughter the same. I sure don't want to continue my quest of thinking my job is to fix her.............she's really just fine as she is..............</p><p></p><p>Yes, it is work, however, from where I am sitting today, it appears that without all that baggage we've been dragging around with us, without the perfection and not being "enough" there is a 'lightness of being', unparalleled thus far....................my glimpses of that are getting stronger and taking root..............and with all the "helpers" I have showing up all the time, I can see the bright and beautiful light at the end of this tunnel.............you can see it too, can't you Cedar?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 608439, member: 13542"] Oh Cedar, thank you. Your posts are very soothing to me, I know you are right there with me with our [I]daughters of the darkness.[/I].... Yes, "a new life which requires great care".........this new life is like a baby which needs nurturing and a lot of attention, it's been dying on the vine for awhile.............an older woman came in my office this morning............she said all the right things to me to put me back on the proper path, as you have in your post...............I believe, if we keep ourselves awake and don't fall into the old traps, we are "sent" reminders............ people, books, television shows (the Happy documentary), a new way of thinking....... whatever............ I see them as "clues" to keep us on track. Isn't it interesting that you and I did not receive appropriate mothering and did so much to create a different path for our daughter's........... and look where they landed? Hmmmmm. Lends more weight indeed to my thoughts about choosing joy, regardless of the circumstances of our lives. We always have that choice. I've been choosing it over and over again for the last few days, it has required my attention and focus. Sometimes more then others. I think that is the human experience though, many different webs to get caught in..........and get out of............... Your 'defensiveness' about my daughter's great aim really made me smile, thank you for that ([I]calling a spade a spade are you?[/I]) My SO says similar stuff a lot. Unlike your husband who has been in the trenches with you all these years and is your daughter's Dad, my SO is relatively new on the scene and can see through my daughter's many faces............I hear myself sticking up for her sometimes only to recognize quickly that he is almost always absolutely correct. Sometimes it's difficult to realize that your own child is someone who can be that manipulative and deceptive and in some cases cruel. My daughter's Dad's comment last year when she really hit the skids was, "I'm going to wash my hands of her." He was always able to walk away from her and it was such an irony that he said that because in my eyes he had done that 38 years ago, he just hadn't announced it yet. That opposite pole added more weight to my own enabling...................guilt for both he AND I. Yes, I too put much effort into "breaking the chains of abuse" it was pretty much a full time job for most of my life. My idea now is to [I]retire from that expedition[/I], to let go of it, I did what I did and in many ways I healed myself of so much of the trauma I was born into...............[I]that's enough.[/I] My daughter has to live out her fate now, whatever that is. [I][B]I have done enough[/B]. [/I]Knowing that, believing that, is what is liberating me from my family genetics....................one choice at a time............. Yes, that vow needs to be refined. For sure. I made a vow one time, many years ago, when my little daughter had such an enormous and horrible asthma attack that the Doctors told me she would likely not live through the night. She was 2 years old. Another mother and I sat in the chapel praying. I was intensely asking God to save my baby, I said, I would do [I]anything and everything for her,[/I] to make her happy, to give her a wonderful life, if he let her live. Well, she lived and I kept my promise. And, one day, sometime in the last 2 years, I remembered that prayer of long ago..................I revised that and this time included myself and gave her over to her destiny and into the hands of God. Sometimes we mothers make promises we just can't keep. Sigh. You know Cedar, this is really in many unique and sometimes challenging ways, the beginning of my own actual life which is not overrun with the needs, issues, illnesses, manipulations, dramas and challenges of someone else's life. I too thought that giving and helping was a part of being a good person. I believe it is, as long as giving to and helping yourself is included in that equation. I always consider my therapist making that statement which in many ways shifted everything for me, she said, "you absorb the deficiencies of others." Clearly I wanted to give that one up. What I've learned is how to make strong boundaries, identify my [I]own[/I] needs and yet keep the intimacy intact with those closest to me, without having to be so independent as to not have that intimacy, and not so dependent so as to be needy, but to be interdependent. And, now to teach my granddaughter the same. I sure don't want to continue my quest of thinking my job is to fix her.............she's really just fine as she is.............. Yes, it is work, however, from where I am sitting today, it appears that without all that baggage we've been dragging around with us, without the perfection and not being "enough" there is a 'lightness of being', unparalleled thus far....................my glimpses of that are getting stronger and taking root..............and with all the "helpers" I have showing up all the time, I can see the bright and beautiful light at the end of this tunnel.............you can see it too, can't you Cedar? [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Another bump on the difficult child highway
Top