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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 616180" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Similar to the Shamanic soul retrieval, there is a process a therapist taught me which serves to identify the parts of ourselves, out of our awareness, which were designed to help us to survive childhood trauma, but end up preventing us from being integrated and whole as adults. It's kind of like the phenomenon of multiple personality disorder, where trauma breaks the core self into parts, parts originally designed to protect the self, but ultimately, end up hurting the self. The goal is integration. As disassociated parts are recognized and given a voice, an expression, they are brought 'home' so the core self can integrate and utilize them.</p><p></p><p>Seems to me that those wounded children who reside within us, have enormous power..............to allow those voices to surface, is certainly an act of courage Cedar. One thing I recall feeling quite a few times throughout this process is rage. It felt more like the kind of rage a child would feel, so I interpreted that as pockets of old feelings which were stuck inside my body and psyche and I was able to release those feelings when I was strong enough to allow them. I also felt great sorrow and a truckload of resentment................it felt as if I got to the 'root' of those feelings and they now required full expression. Mother wounds are deep Cedar, our fragile children within sustained some serious early blows...........my belief about how to heal from that has developed over decades of therapy and my own personal research and observations........................<em>.it has to be felt and expressed.</em> And, the fear we humans have to go into that place is extraordinarily powerful and often prevents us from making that journey. So, we stay stuck, depressed, removed, disconnected, alone, angry, oblivious through addictions or masked in a false persona which we would rather die then let go of. I witness that phenomenon often and having gone into those scary places, I understand why many of us avoid going. The thing is, if we don't endeavor down those paths..............it has an enormous impact on our ability to be engaged in life.............to show up fully and be present.......because so many parts of ourselves are missing..........One important thing my parents did do was to show me that I did not want to be one of the walking wounded or walking dead, I wanted to be whole...............and very, very alive and engaged in life. My parents were mere shadows of themselves, I could see that early on and I knew early on I did not want to be like them. They were very stuck in their roles as parents and hated those roles because they felt as if they had no choice and so they resented us with a vengeance.........</p><p></p><p><span style="color: #b300b3">" What I've been doing hasn't worked. I want my family healed. If detaching is a way to get there, that is where I am going."</span></p><p></p><p>Well, we can't heal our family, but we can heal ourselves, we can break the chains that bind us and change our behavior and responses so that our family can change their responses to us. I think it is a healthier goal to heal ourselves and then let go of the rest. Our family may not heal Cedar, that is not up to us, it is up to them.</p><p></p><p>It is very hard work indeed.</p><p></p><p>Your post made me think of how we work and work towards some lofty goal of healing, or wholeness, or consciousness...............and one day without even noticing, we've changed and integrated that new behavior, it's a part of us..............and it just happened without any fanfare or even an acknowledgement.</p><p></p><p><span style="color: #5900b3">"So really, detachment is about detaching from our own emotional reactions. That is what you mean when you say we have no control. I always feel so foolish when I finally begin to see something so simple."</span></p><p><span style="color: #5900b3"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">That's been my experience Cedar. I've done the changing and healing.......my difficult child did little......responding in a different way happened only after I went deeply into my own wounds.................like you've done as well..............quite a journey...........and as in all change, once we change, those around us have no choice but to change............or remove themselves from our sphere of influence. My daughter is learning how to step into my world and honor my value and my values............not me trying to adapt to how she interprets reality.</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">A very important component for me has been to shift my unhealthy sense of responsibility for others.......what others do or don't do, has little or nothing to do with me or my worth or ability to enjoy my own life..........that overblown sense of duty had nothing to do with reality, it was a role cemented onto me by an emotionally closed down mother who abdicated the role of mother to me. My value was tied to that role and responsibility............easy to see why we have so much trouble letting those roles go.............and why the FOG sets in..........and why we fight for our limitations...........you are simply human Cedar, not the perfect parent with the weighty expectations of yourself, but a wounded child trying desperately to be loved and accepted, like the rest of us wounded children.............. tell yourself daily that you did the best you could have..............</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Speaking of talking straight to our kids, I recently did that again..........my difficult child emailed me a kind of explanation and apology for a recent miscommunication......I took it as an opportunity to tell her more of what it's felt like to be her mother, her unrealistic expectations of myself and others, how difficult she could be, how painful enabling her has been for me...............without an attachment to the outcome of those words, what it was and perhaps all it was, was more freedom for me............a gift...........only she knows if those words impacted her or not. Just being able to tell her my truth is extraordinary, because the 'role' I had been in did not permit truth, only stilted versions of a script I had nothing to do with creating. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">I think you are on the verge of a massive expansion Cedar, which is likely going to alter your life in ways you can't even imagine right now. No more contracting...........only expanding...........</span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 616180, member: 13542"] Similar to the Shamanic soul retrieval, there is a process a therapist taught me which serves to identify the parts of ourselves, out of our awareness, which were designed to help us to survive childhood trauma, but end up preventing us from being integrated and whole as adults. It's kind of like the phenomenon of multiple personality disorder, where trauma breaks the core self into parts, parts originally designed to protect the self, but ultimately, end up hurting the self. The goal is integration. As disassociated parts are recognized and given a voice, an expression, they are brought 'home' so the core self can integrate and utilize them. Seems to me that those wounded children who reside within us, have enormous power..............to allow those voices to surface, is certainly an act of courage Cedar. One thing I recall feeling quite a few times throughout this process is rage. It felt more like the kind of rage a child would feel, so I interpreted that as pockets of old feelings which were stuck inside my body and psyche and I was able to release those feelings when I was strong enough to allow them. I also felt great sorrow and a truckload of resentment................it felt as if I got to the 'root' of those feelings and they now required full expression. Mother wounds are deep Cedar, our fragile children within sustained some serious early blows...........my belief about how to heal from that has developed over decades of therapy and my own personal research and observations........................[I].it has to be felt and expressed.[/I] And, the fear we humans have to go into that place is extraordinarily powerful and often prevents us from making that journey. So, we stay stuck, depressed, removed, disconnected, alone, angry, oblivious through addictions or masked in a false persona which we would rather die then let go of. I witness that phenomenon often and having gone into those scary places, I understand why many of us avoid going. The thing is, if we don't endeavor down those paths..............it has an enormous impact on our ability to be engaged in life.............to show up fully and be present.......because so many parts of ourselves are missing..........One important thing my parents did do was to show me that I did not want to be one of the walking wounded or walking dead, I wanted to be whole...............and very, very alive and engaged in life. My parents were mere shadows of themselves, I could see that early on and I knew early on I did not want to be like them. They were very stuck in their roles as parents and hated those roles because they felt as if they had no choice and so they resented us with a vengeance......... [COLOR=#b300b3]" What I've been doing hasn't worked. I want my family healed. If detaching is a way to get there, that is where I am going."[/COLOR] Well, we can't heal our family, but we can heal ourselves, we can break the chains that bind us and change our behavior and responses so that our family can change their responses to us. I think it is a healthier goal to heal ourselves and then let go of the rest. Our family may not heal Cedar, that is not up to us, it is up to them. It is very hard work indeed. Your post made me think of how we work and work towards some lofty goal of healing, or wholeness, or consciousness...............and one day without even noticing, we've changed and integrated that new behavior, it's a part of us..............and it just happened without any fanfare or even an acknowledgement. [COLOR=#5900b3]"So really, detachment is about detaching from our own emotional reactions. That is what you mean when you say we have no control. I always feel so foolish when I finally begin to see something so simple." [/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]That's been my experience Cedar. I've done the changing and healing.......my difficult child did little......responding in a different way happened only after I went deeply into my own wounds.................like you've done as well..............quite a journey...........and as in all change, once we change, those around us have no choice but to change............or remove themselves from our sphere of influence. My daughter is learning how to step into my world and honor my value and my values............not me trying to adapt to how she interprets reality. A very important component for me has been to shift my unhealthy sense of responsibility for others.......what others do or don't do, has little or nothing to do with me or my worth or ability to enjoy my own life..........that overblown sense of duty had nothing to do with reality, it was a role cemented onto me by an emotionally closed down mother who abdicated the role of mother to me. My value was tied to that role and responsibility............easy to see why we have so much trouble letting those roles go.............and why the FOG sets in..........and why we fight for our limitations...........you are simply human Cedar, not the perfect parent with the weighty expectations of yourself, but a wounded child trying desperately to be loved and accepted, like the rest of us wounded children.............. tell yourself daily that you did the best you could have.............. Speaking of talking straight to our kids, I recently did that again..........my difficult child emailed me a kind of explanation and apology for a recent miscommunication......I took it as an opportunity to tell her more of what it's felt like to be her mother, her unrealistic expectations of myself and others, how difficult she could be, how painful enabling her has been for me...............without an attachment to the outcome of those words, what it was and perhaps all it was, was more freedom for me............a gift...........only she knows if those words impacted her or not. Just being able to tell her my truth is extraordinary, because the 'role' I had been in did not permit truth, only stilted versions of a script I had nothing to do with creating. I think you are on the verge of a massive expansion Cedar, which is likely going to alter your life in ways you can't even imagine right now. No more contracting...........only expanding........... [/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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