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Another development, another update. Oy.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 617580" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thanks Cedar, it was interesting to read your post...........certainly I have to admit that self compassion is something I work on improving, I appreciate that you picked up on that. As a (former) enabler/rescuer, it has been about the care of others, not myself, my worth was made clear to me early on............my value was all about how well I took care of others..............it's been a long path out of that.</p><p></p><p>My experience in therapy with the drama triangle occurred 25 years ago. I look at that as simply a part of the therapeutic process which really was valuable to me. Certainly no harm was ever intentional, but I did have to own the fact that enabling others does do harm......intentional or not. That was exceedingly difficult for me since I always saw myself as a really good guy............but once I went through the yucky feelings and faced what I had unintentionally done, there was a real sense of freedom out of that triangle at that point in time............As is always the case, it is not a prescription for everyone's growth or healing, but it had a positive impact on me............even though it was hard to admit. It was subtle and hard for me to face, but as most things that are hard to face, it had a very good outcome. They are all just words, persecutor, victim, rescuer............it is the feeling underneath and the denial of what is real that is important. We are not abusers, I never saw myself as that..............just wounded and sometimes making poor choices because I didn't know any better.......and sometimes those poor choices did harm.</p><p></p><p>I see your point about judging............that is very true. But for me, I also went on to try to save others..................to take care of them at all costs..............it was a role ingrained in me very early and not doing that invoked fear in me because of consequences within my family which were absurdly unrealistic and actually cruel, however, it was what I learned very early. I see it even now with my granddaughter and she says, " I know how to do that Grammy................." and then I let go. My SO points this out to me as well, so I have my two "teachers" polishing me up now!</p><p></p><p>It's funny Cedar, I have so much time now without saving the world, without my daughter's antics, with not stepping in to do so much for my granddaughter...........and in addition, I am only working a few hours a day for only 4 days each week.............and we've been juicing for a few days as a health/cleansing program, so I have not been cooking or shopping for food or even thinking about meals..............so I have even more time...............and I have been getting pedicures, massages, doing nurturing things for myself.................and yesterday I commented to SO that this was so different, this lack of busyness, this calm, this peacefulness, this remarkable uninterrupted amount of time I have now...........this "all about me" stuff.................and he looked at me and very sweetly said, "it's about time ..........you're the one who kept yourself from this." Yes, I did.....................and no more.................my compassion for myself is growing.</p><p></p><p>This journey with my daughter has gone on for decades Cedar...........and unlike your daughter, my daughter is not a kind and loving soul, she is hard and can be mean and selfish.............like many others in my family............my Dad, my sister, one of my brothers, my Mom...............I had to distance myself from them in ways that were so very difficult to do................and yet I had to in order to be okay.............my daughter has so much work to do to own what she has done to her daughter, to me, to pretty much everyone in her life.............she has done<u> a lot of</u> harm. That is a journey she will have to undertake on her own, I can't help with that...............and my belief is she is at the very beginning of that part of her life now..........it seems as if she may have just realized that she is the one who needs to do the work so that she can have a connection to the rest of us. Or not. I feel that I need to keep a certain distance as she comes to her realizations, if that is what will happen........and allow her the space to come towards us.............when she is ready.............that feels right to me.</p><p></p><p>I will look inside to discover my compassion for myself with my daughter Cedar.........it's a good point you make. I've gone through so much pain and suffering where she is concerned, right now I feel like I am on a vacation from all of it............I'm hoping a permanent vacation from all of it too.................."a paradise."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 617580, member: 13542"] Thanks Cedar, it was interesting to read your post...........certainly I have to admit that self compassion is something I work on improving, I appreciate that you picked up on that. As a (former) enabler/rescuer, it has been about the care of others, not myself, my worth was made clear to me early on............my value was all about how well I took care of others..............it's been a long path out of that. My experience in therapy with the drama triangle occurred 25 years ago. I look at that as simply a part of the therapeutic process which really was valuable to me. Certainly no harm was ever intentional, but I did have to own the fact that enabling others does do harm......intentional or not. That was exceedingly difficult for me since I always saw myself as a really good guy............but once I went through the yucky feelings and faced what I had unintentionally done, there was a real sense of freedom out of that triangle at that point in time............As is always the case, it is not a prescription for everyone's growth or healing, but it had a positive impact on me............even though it was hard to admit. It was subtle and hard for me to face, but as most things that are hard to face, it had a very good outcome. They are all just words, persecutor, victim, rescuer............it is the feeling underneath and the denial of what is real that is important. We are not abusers, I never saw myself as that..............just wounded and sometimes making poor choices because I didn't know any better.......and sometimes those poor choices did harm. I see your point about judging............that is very true. But for me, I also went on to try to save others..................to take care of them at all costs..............it was a role ingrained in me very early and not doing that invoked fear in me because of consequences within my family which were absurdly unrealistic and actually cruel, however, it was what I learned very early. I see it even now with my granddaughter and she says, " I know how to do that Grammy................." and then I let go. My SO points this out to me as well, so I have my two "teachers" polishing me up now! It's funny Cedar, I have so much time now without saving the world, without my daughter's antics, with not stepping in to do so much for my granddaughter...........and in addition, I am only working a few hours a day for only 4 days each week.............and we've been juicing for a few days as a health/cleansing program, so I have not been cooking or shopping for food or even thinking about meals..............so I have even more time...............and I have been getting pedicures, massages, doing nurturing things for myself.................and yesterday I commented to SO that this was so different, this lack of busyness, this calm, this peacefulness, this remarkable uninterrupted amount of time I have now...........this "all about me" stuff.................and he looked at me and very sweetly said, "it's about time ..........you're the one who kept yourself from this." Yes, I did.....................and no more.................my compassion for myself is growing. This journey with my daughter has gone on for decades Cedar...........and unlike your daughter, my daughter is not a kind and loving soul, she is hard and can be mean and selfish.............like many others in my family............my Dad, my sister, one of my brothers, my Mom...............I had to distance myself from them in ways that were so very difficult to do................and yet I had to in order to be okay.............my daughter has so much work to do to own what she has done to her daughter, to me, to pretty much everyone in her life.............she has done[U] a lot of[/U] harm. That is a journey she will have to undertake on her own, I can't help with that...............and my belief is she is at the very beginning of that part of her life now..........it seems as if she may have just realized that she is the one who needs to do the work so that she can have a connection to the rest of us. Or not. I feel that I need to keep a certain distance as she comes to her realizations, if that is what will happen........and allow her the space to come towards us.............when she is ready.............that feels right to me. I will look inside to discover my compassion for myself with my daughter Cedar.........it's a good point you make. I've gone through so much pain and suffering where she is concerned, right now I feel like I am on a vacation from all of it............I'm hoping a permanent vacation from all of it too.................."a paradise." [/QUOTE]
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