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Another development, another update. Oy.
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 617903" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Recovering, I don't know what I want. </p><p></p><p>I want to trust myself enough to commit to exploring my curiosities until <u>I</u> am the one who decides to stop. In a way, this has already begun. I am saying "yes" to most things. Strangely enough, persons are suddenly presenting me with options I can say yes to.</p><p></p><p>This is most unusual, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>It has to do with the Rumi quote you posted for me, about being thankful before you know how it is going to be. So, it would be about making trust more real than fear. I have been so afraid of so many things. Certain I was a coward, certain I was a fraud, I have been afraid of so many things. How strange, to realize it was never about cowardice. It was about opening my eyes and speaking my truth, about speaking my perceptions without tailoring them not to offend.</p><p></p><p>About being who I am without tailoring me not to offend.</p><p></p><p>I am strong enough to be offensive, now.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>What a surprise to learn that my offensiveness is simply honest preference.</p><p></p><p>That, and the idea that I don't have to DO anything. There is nothing I have to do. This is so new, too. It's like I just want to look around. Everything looks so different.</p><p></p><p>Every single thing.</p><p></p><p>For those following or embarking on this journey yourselves: The past week or two have been wildly intense. I don't want to leave anyone thinking it has been this easy thing. When first awakened, those emotions are as intense as they were when we decided to bury them, to deny them, to justify and rationalize and change them into something else. But if you could see what everything looks like from here! It has to do with refusing automatic condemnation. Those negative thought patterns our abusers taught not by choice, but by example. Until we see them, we live by them. Their sicknesses, somehow incorporated into our views of the world. Until we confront those inner truths, we cannot decide for ourselves whether they are valid or not.</p><p></p><p>I think it has to do with that.</p><p> </p><p>The Joel Osteen materials have been so helpful to me, too. </p><p></p><p>And you being right here, Recovering. </p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 617903, member: 17461"] Recovering, I don't know what I want. I want to trust myself enough to commit to exploring my curiosities until [U]I[/U] am the one who decides to stop. In a way, this has already begun. I am saying "yes" to most things. Strangely enough, persons are suddenly presenting me with options I can say yes to. This is most unusual, Recovering. It has to do with the Rumi quote you posted for me, about being thankful before you know how it is going to be. So, it would be about making trust more real than fear. I have been so afraid of so many things. Certain I was a coward, certain I was a fraud, I have been afraid of so many things. How strange, to realize it was never about cowardice. It was about opening my eyes and speaking my truth, about speaking my perceptions without tailoring them not to offend. About being who I am without tailoring me not to offend. I am strong enough to be offensive, now. :O) What a surprise to learn that my offensiveness is simply honest preference. That, and the idea that I don't have to DO anything. There is nothing I have to do. This is so new, too. It's like I just want to look around. Everything looks so different. Every single thing. For those following or embarking on this journey yourselves: The past week or two have been wildly intense. I don't want to leave anyone thinking it has been this easy thing. When first awakened, those emotions are as intense as they were when we decided to bury them, to deny them, to justify and rationalize and change them into something else. But if you could see what everything looks like from here! It has to do with refusing automatic condemnation. Those negative thought patterns our abusers taught not by choice, but by example. Until we see them, we live by them. Their sicknesses, somehow incorporated into our views of the world. Until we confront those inner truths, we cannot decide for ourselves whether they are valid or not. I think it has to do with that. The Joel Osteen materials have been so helpful to me, too. And you being right here, Recovering. Thank you. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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