So Very Drained equals SVD.
Whose choice would this be, should he decide to return? At some point he needs to take responsibility for his choices. The sooner he does, the better for him. At some point we need to set boundaries. Stating them clearly to our children gives them the opportunity and the responsibility to listen and to hear us. If they choose to not hear us, the responsibility is theirs, not ours. At some point we need to set internal limits so that we are true to our choices and to ourselves. Internal limits also keep us from being consumed by guilt. The feeling of guilt cannot be stopped altogether. But it can be contained. And we can teach ourselves to live from another playbook such as responsibility, consideration, dignity and thoughtfulness. We can choose to not indulge ourselves in our sense of guilt, our fear and our sense of obligation. Internal limits are as important as external boundaries.
So much of our situations have to do with free choice and free will. We do not have to be determined and controlled by all of our circumstances. We can choose what we pay attention to. So much of our adult children's lives are really not our business. As I have written, and I like the sound of these words: Our children own their own lives. And they own responsibility for living their own lives well or not. If they don't there is only so much we can do. By the time we show up on this board, most all of us have gone off the deep end.
So much of what affects us negatively we can decide to avoid, to not take in, to not take personally or to rise above. We do not have to be controlled and defined by our feelings. We do not have to assist our children in destroying themselves and us and our families. We have the responsibility to live our own lives well. To allow ourselves to be destroyed is to not live well.
This is the kernel of truth that keeps us stuck. Are mothers perpetually responsible for the choices of other adult people (otherwise known as their adult children?) Of course not.
This is a very good insight that you've had. It puts this whole drama on a stage where you have both responsibility and control. To enable our adult children is to contribute to stunting their growth as full human beings. If we enable them in order to avoid feeling bad about ourselves, we sacrifice their welfare, with the illusion that we're helping them. As they say, feelings are not facts. We are not helping them by reacting to their bad behavior, to their helplessness, self-indulgence, carelessness and drama. And we are not helping ourselves by living our lives to avoid feeling badly about ourselves. Feelings are not important. Actions are important.
The only possibility for our adult children to live better is to experience consequences to their behavior, and to learn. Our adult children own responsibility for their choices and they own their own lives.
I will add this. Often, too often, our beloved children do not save themselves. Sometimes, the most dreadful fear comes to be. Even when we do everything in our power to help our children, and then when we see our actions only make life terrible for us, and worse for them, we step back--and they do not save themselves, they do not learn. Unfortunately, in this group, are many of the people who tend to stay around here, like myself. A damned if you do and damned if you don't type of situation. Helping without limit didn't help, and stepping back didn't help much either. Well? Then what do we do, besides writing long posts here?
You write you have a husband and other family. We have lives. We have purpose. Our lives have meaning. There is worth to having a good, calm, secure, safe, enjoyable life. You are with it, to have that kind of a life. Sometimes, we need to look deeply inside ourselves, with a therapist or not, and at our lives, to see if there are past experiences, deep feelings that contribute to these patterns we have with our adult children. That may not be the case for you, but it most certainly was a factor in my suffering.
