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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 709493" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Me too.</p><p></p><p>Why?</p><p></p><p>What you wrote Old-hand was just perfect. (I had to go out and feed the dogs so I might have lost a few thoughts but I will try to piece together how I responded when I first read this.)</p><p></p><p>I have learned so much from your post!! Almost I cannot put it into words.</p><p></p><p>First of all, I have lived exactly as you urge and you value. Exactly like this:</p><p></p><p></p><p>That is ME.</p><p></p><p>Where ever I go on my day to day errands people seem to respond to me as a friend, as trustworthy. They treat me kindly, many of them, and I make "friends" just by going about my day. I have a great deal of confidence in my persona and in myself, which I have gained since my girlhood when I had very little. Because, of course, I had very little control over my life. What happened to me. And as I grew up what I did, what I chose, how I handled it, gave me confidence in myself.</p><p></p><p>My mother's death and other things seemed to trigger me to lose a lot of the confidence that I lived well. But like you said, that is the past.</p><p></p><p>The interesting thing to me is that all of this clothes-buying, and centering upon appearances, is what my mother did. This self-display, and pulling myself together as in outfits or impressions, is HER territory. I ceded it to her. But what I was able to do in my life story was truly amazing. And I do not give myself credit for this in my post. I created a person in the form of my character and my accomplishments, and how I treat other people and hold strong--who is exemplary and worthy of respect. My own self-respect. It is very curious how I withhold it from myself. Your post is reminding me of this.</p><p></p><p>The clothes would be nice. But it is icing on the cake. That is what you are reminding me. But I can already tell myself: my cake has the icing inside. It is already being manifested. I do not have to do one thing more. I can walk around in old rag clothing, and it has not one effect, except it is a charade. The only one I am kidding is myself.</p><p></p><p>So what this is telling me is that the doing of it is already done. It is like the cocoon is a sandwich board. Just false advertising. So there is not one thing that has not been done or needs to be done still, to manifest myself. I am the pudding that is already made--and eaten--to continue the sweets metaphor. How this fits with cocoon I do not really know.</p><p></p><p>So this is the other big lesson I learned from your post:</p><p>No. I have very little confidence with friends. I am not clear why. Part of it is that I moved a lot for my work and lived internationally too. I changed a lot. I let people go. I moved to a place where I felt there were not too many people like me. And then I realized that everybody at heart was "like me." Which was a great lesson. But still, I hang back.</p><p></p><p>I think this is what happened in the past: I think I blamed myself for the bad and hard things that happened to me. I felt it must have been my fault. I hung back, so as to avoid more bad things happening...to no longer run into bad things. It was a complete misinterpretation of life, really.</p><p></p><p>Because now I am seeing something very powerful, which is in line with what you express. That everything has within it both good and bad. Every moment. Every person. Everything can be filled with good. By deciding. Which is what you are telling me here:So there!</p><p></p><p>I have been thinking a lot about this very thing. That when a hard or bad or wrong or even evil thing happens, we can infuse it with good, by deciding to do so. (I tend to go to the abstract. Sorry.) And then I am forced to acknowledge that this is WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING without knowing it and acknowledging it. So when I am forced to acknowledge this I feel a great pride in myself. And all of the jeggings and bangles and scarves are neither here nor there. That there was no need to compensate. No need for advertisements. No need for sandwich boards. No need to go anywhere. That everything, already, is all here. Not just for me. But for everybody.</p><p>So here I am realizing that I am already you, Old-hand. My version of it. I AM Lady Gaga. My version. I am doing it. I have been doing it. Stealth. I was stealth-gaga. And I am OUT of the closet to myself.</p><p>This was a lie I was telling myself, for what I do not know. But I am revealed.</p><p></p><p>I have composed my life. This sham of a lie to myself can be discarded. It does not matter why I was doing this (although I am a little bit interested.) I think it must have been a way to draw fire to myself to spare my son and my mother. But it never worked for anybody.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, Old-hand.</p><p></p><p>Old-hand, might I ask how you chose your moniker?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 709493, member: 18958"] Me too. Why? What you wrote Old-hand was just perfect. (I had to go out and feed the dogs so I might have lost a few thoughts but I will try to piece together how I responded when I first read this.) I have learned so much from your post!! Almost I cannot put it into words. First of all, I have lived exactly as you urge and you value. Exactly like this: That is ME. Where ever I go on my day to day errands people seem to respond to me as a friend, as trustworthy. They treat me kindly, many of them, and I make "friends" just by going about my day. I have a great deal of confidence in my persona and in myself, which I have gained since my girlhood when I had very little. Because, of course, I had very little control over my life. What happened to me. And as I grew up what I did, what I chose, how I handled it, gave me confidence in myself. My mother's death and other things seemed to trigger me to lose a lot of the confidence that I lived well. But like you said, that is the past. The interesting thing to me is that all of this clothes-buying, and centering upon appearances, is what my mother did. This self-display, and pulling myself together as in outfits or impressions, is HER territory. I ceded it to her. But what I was able to do in my life story was truly amazing. And I do not give myself credit for this in my post. I created a person in the form of my character and my accomplishments, and how I treat other people and hold strong--who is exemplary and worthy of respect. My own self-respect. It is very curious how I withhold it from myself. Your post is reminding me of this. The clothes would be nice. But it is icing on the cake. That is what you are reminding me. But I can already tell myself: my cake has the icing inside. It is already being manifested. I do not have to do one thing more. I can walk around in old rag clothing, and it has not one effect, except it is a charade. The only one I am kidding is myself. So what this is telling me is that the doing of it is already done. It is like the cocoon is a sandwich board. Just false advertising. So there is not one thing that has not been done or needs to be done still, to manifest myself. I am the pudding that is already made--and eaten--to continue the sweets metaphor. How this fits with cocoon I do not really know. So this is the other big lesson I learned from your post: No. I have very little confidence with friends. I am not clear why. Part of it is that I moved a lot for my work and lived internationally too. I changed a lot. I let people go. I moved to a place where I felt there were not too many people like me. And then I realized that everybody at heart was "like me." Which was a great lesson. But still, I hang back. I think this is what happened in the past: I think I blamed myself for the bad and hard things that happened to me. I felt it must have been my fault. I hung back, so as to avoid more bad things happening...to no longer run into bad things. It was a complete misinterpretation of life, really. Because now I am seeing something very powerful, which is in line with what you express. That everything has within it both good and bad. Every moment. Every person. Everything can be filled with good. By deciding. Which is what you are telling me here:So there! I have been thinking a lot about this very thing. That when a hard or bad or wrong or even evil thing happens, we can infuse it with good, by deciding to do so. (I tend to go to the abstract. Sorry.) And then I am forced to acknowledge that this is WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING without knowing it and acknowledging it. So when I am forced to acknowledge this I feel a great pride in myself. And all of the jeggings and bangles and scarves are neither here nor there. That there was no need to compensate. No need for advertisements. No need for sandwich boards. No need to go anywhere. That everything, already, is all here. Not just for me. But for everybody. So here I am realizing that I am already you, Old-hand. My version of it. I AM Lady Gaga. My version. I am doing it. I have been doing it. Stealth. I was stealth-gaga. And I am OUT of the closet to myself. This was a lie I was telling myself, for what I do not know. But I am revealed. I have composed my life. This sham of a lie to myself can be discarded. It does not matter why I was doing this (although I am a little bit interested.) I think it must have been a way to draw fire to myself to spare my son and my mother. But it never worked for anybody. Thank you, Old-hand. Old-hand, might I ask how you chose your moniker? [/QUOTE]
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