Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Another letter from father!-- not opening this one!
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 621694" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>There are times when we let the stress of what is happening weigh us down. Soon enough, we are stressed, not because anything has changed, but because nothing has changed.</p><p></p><p>And we are still weighed down, and we want it over, already.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I suspect this was done at the instruction of the grandfather. Too cold, too cleverly cutting, for difficult child. You are in an ongoing battle, BITS. If it were easy to break free, everyone would do it. You need to stand up.</p><p></p><p>I think your father will be covering the fear of his sudden seeming unimportance with bravado ~ and very strict rules about who is on whose side and exactly what that means. Whether he has forbidden difficult child directly, or slyly implied that a breach of loyalty to him is the act of a traitor...I believe your father is behind difficult child's actions. </p><p></p><p>When my parents and I were not speaking for those five years, my mother used every smallest weapon in her favor to condemn husband and paint me into an isolated corner. At the same time, she would call me periodically to offer peace on her terms ~ terms that put the blame elsewhere and condemned my husband and my father. It is a strange thing to do this kind of battle with a parent. We are vulnerable to them, feel so less-than through their judgment and condemnation. It is hard, BITS. Only you can decide whether it is worth it. </p><p></p><p>Where is your mother in all this?</p><p></p><p>You know your father is encouraging your son to believe you are to be viewed as he views your mother, right?</p><p></p><p>The point (and I do have one, as Ellen D. says :O) is that we want resolution. When we are trying to kick a habit, we want resolution. Your habit is the habitual bad treatment, the battering of self concept, you traditionally receive at your father's hands. Without it, you are not sure you are going a right way. You have so little, good or bad, to measure yourself against. </p><p></p><p>Acknowledging the pattern, acknowledging the feel of your father in your psyche, will free you, bit by bit.</p><p></p><p>Your question must be: Free me in which direction? What will you replace those old, familiar patterns with? Who and how would you like to be? You get to decide that now, not your father. In that place where other children have a loving parent, you have a killer.</p><p></p><p>And he has cold eyes.</p><p></p><p>You cannot control your father. You cannot control difficult child. </p><p></p><p>You can change your responses.</p><p></p><p>Then, you can do internal work to change your interpretations.</p><p></p><p>And that is where the healing will occur.</p><p></p><p>What would you have to do to get difficult child to come home?</p><p></p><p>Are you willing to do that?</p><p></p><p>You are the one with the power, here. Change is never an easy thing. Let go of this twistedness. Concentrate on your own health. Be and become, the best you you can be.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing else to do at this point, unless you are willing to do what it takes to have difficult child home, knowing your father is there in the background, willing to do whatever it takes to destroy you.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Your father is so like my mother. She is so mean, so meaninglessly manipulative, too. Her reward system is impossible to understand. I have witnessed her pointless cruelty, seen the little smile that tells me her point hit and hurt, the person she'd targeted. There is no sense to be made of it. My mother is not going to change. My father died three years ago. She villainized his reputation, refused to allow a funeral or a memorial service to be held, gossiped mercilessly about him, his family, his habits. She was living with another man within months of my father's death. She holds her home over everyone's head <u>though no one needs or wants it</u>. It's all in her mind! Her nose is continually out of joint over husband. She will never stop trying to destroy me and my marriage.</p><p></p><p>She celebrates the pain I am in over my children. It is the one area I was vulnerable to her ~ to anyone ~ and she uses that as her opening to strike, as I've described here before.</p><p></p><p>Why?</p><p></p><p>There is no answer. </p><p></p><p>It is what it is.</p><p></p><p>Your son will come back to you in his own time.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you need to do.</p><p></p><p>There is nothing you CAN do. Everything you do, your father will use against you. Do not make the mistake of thinking he will not fight you, subtly and with great malice. In the open or hidden away, you represent something other than yourself to your father <u>and he will never stop.</u></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Is husband depressed over the powerlessness in the stance he is required to take? My husband has been. It is an awful thing to see someone you love taken down while they refuse to allow you to help or protect them.</p><p></p><p>My husband told me once that examining the waters in my family was like carrying around a little bottle of rotten water. Poisonous, rotten, old, sealed off and stinking water. My husband told me to see it like this: Every time I opened that little bottle of water hoping to heal it, to change it, to see it differently or to try to make it something other than what it was, I was poisoning myself.</p><p></p><p>"Poison is poison, Cedar." husband says. "It is never going to change. Don't open the bottle."</p><p></p><p>That imagery has helped me.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 621694, member: 17461"] There are times when we let the stress of what is happening weigh us down. Soon enough, we are stressed, not because anything has changed, but because nothing has changed. And we are still weighed down, and we want it over, already. I suspect this was done at the instruction of the grandfather. Too cold, too cleverly cutting, for difficult child. You are in an ongoing battle, BITS. If it were easy to break free, everyone would do it. You need to stand up. I think your father will be covering the fear of his sudden seeming unimportance with bravado ~ and very strict rules about who is on whose side and exactly what that means. Whether he has forbidden difficult child directly, or slyly implied that a breach of loyalty to him is the act of a traitor...I believe your father is behind difficult child's actions. When my parents and I were not speaking for those five years, my mother used every smallest weapon in her favor to condemn husband and paint me into an isolated corner. At the same time, she would call me periodically to offer peace on her terms ~ terms that put the blame elsewhere and condemned my husband and my father. It is a strange thing to do this kind of battle with a parent. We are vulnerable to them, feel so less-than through their judgment and condemnation. It is hard, BITS. Only you can decide whether it is worth it. Where is your mother in all this? You know your father is encouraging your son to believe you are to be viewed as he views your mother, right? The point (and I do have one, as Ellen D. says :O) is that we want resolution. When we are trying to kick a habit, we want resolution. Your habit is the habitual bad treatment, the battering of self concept, you traditionally receive at your father's hands. Without it, you are not sure you are going a right way. You have so little, good or bad, to measure yourself against. Acknowledging the pattern, acknowledging the feel of your father in your psyche, will free you, bit by bit. Your question must be: Free me in which direction? What will you replace those old, familiar patterns with? Who and how would you like to be? You get to decide that now, not your father. In that place where other children have a loving parent, you have a killer. And he has cold eyes. You cannot control your father. You cannot control difficult child. You can change your responses. Then, you can do internal work to change your interpretations. And that is where the healing will occur. What would you have to do to get difficult child to come home? Are you willing to do that? You are the one with the power, here. Change is never an easy thing. Let go of this twistedness. Concentrate on your own health. Be and become, the best you you can be. There is nothing else to do at this point, unless you are willing to do what it takes to have difficult child home, knowing your father is there in the background, willing to do whatever it takes to destroy you. Cedar Your father is so like my mother. She is so mean, so meaninglessly manipulative, too. Her reward system is impossible to understand. I have witnessed her pointless cruelty, seen the little smile that tells me her point hit and hurt, the person she'd targeted. There is no sense to be made of it. My mother is not going to change. My father died three years ago. She villainized his reputation, refused to allow a funeral or a memorial service to be held, gossiped mercilessly about him, his family, his habits. She was living with another man within months of my father's death. She holds her home over everyone's head [U]though no one needs or wants it[/U]. It's all in her mind! Her nose is continually out of joint over husband. She will never stop trying to destroy me and my marriage. She celebrates the pain I am in over my children. It is the one area I was vulnerable to her ~ to anyone ~ and she uses that as her opening to strike, as I've described here before. Why? There is no answer. It is what it is. Your son will come back to you in his own time. There is nothing you need to do. There is nothing you CAN do. Everything you do, your father will use against you. Do not make the mistake of thinking he will not fight you, subtly and with great malice. In the open or hidden away, you represent something other than yourself to your father [U]and he will never stop.[/U] Is husband depressed over the powerlessness in the stance he is required to take? My husband has been. It is an awful thing to see someone you love taken down while they refuse to allow you to help or protect them. My husband told me once that examining the waters in my family was like carrying around a little bottle of rotten water. Poisonous, rotten, old, sealed off and stinking water. My husband told me to see it like this: Every time I opened that little bottle of water hoping to heal it, to change it, to see it differently or to try to make it something other than what it was, I was poisoning myself. "Poison is poison, Cedar." husband says. "It is never going to change. Don't open the bottle." That imagery has helped me. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Another letter from father!-- not opening this one!
Top