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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 739802" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>I am so sorry Leafy. I remember when N was in prison what a gut punch these kinds of things were. The blaming. The anger. Until they get past that it’s really hard to have any kind of relationship. I hope and pray she will get past this and learn to look inward. I know N did, but it took a while. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Good reminder from Copa! I get caught up sometimes in trying to figure out the reasons mine are so off track. Then it’s easy to get into the if only game. If only he would stop drinking. If only she would stop drugging. But I know the truth is more complicated. That the substances are symptoms of, and self treatments for, bigger problems. And until they face those problems, nothing will truly change, even if they are sober. Their dad did not drink or do drugs, but had terrible anger and self control issues. I used to wish he was a drunk so at least I’d have something to blame it on, and some hope he could be better if he got sober. But the problem was just inside him. Our kids’ problems are inside them, too, and until they understand, accept and address that, nothing will change. It’s so much easier to blame us though, isn’t it? </p><p></p><p>I know you’ll find the right response, which may be no response. I never went completely no contact with N but I did do letters only for a while and told him exactly why. I didn’t really respond directly to things he wrote, but sent him my thoughts, my hopes and dreams for him, my love. I ignored any blame he attempted to put on me. I don’t know if my letters made a difference. I think I was doing it more for me than for him. You do whatever feels right and meaningful for you. </p><p></p><p>I’m sorry she’s putting you through this, especially while you are going through so much other grief. Hugs.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 739802, member: 23349"] I am so sorry Leafy. I remember when N was in prison what a gut punch these kinds of things were. The blaming. The anger. Until they get past that it’s really hard to have any kind of relationship. I hope and pray she will get past this and learn to look inward. I know N did, but it took a while. Good reminder from Copa! I get caught up sometimes in trying to figure out the reasons mine are so off track. Then it’s easy to get into the if only game. If only he would stop drinking. If only she would stop drugging. But I know the truth is more complicated. That the substances are symptoms of, and self treatments for, bigger problems. And until they face those problems, nothing will truly change, even if they are sober. Their dad did not drink or do drugs, but had terrible anger and self control issues. I used to wish he was a drunk so at least I’d have something to blame it on, and some hope he could be better if he got sober. But the problem was just inside him. Our kids’ problems are inside them, too, and until they understand, accept and address that, nothing will change. It’s so much easier to blame us though, isn’t it? I know you’ll find the right response, which may be no response. I never went completely no contact with N but I did do letters only for a while and told him exactly why. I didn’t really respond directly to things he wrote, but sent him my thoughts, my hopes and dreams for him, my love. I ignored any blame he attempted to put on me. I don’t know if my letters made a difference. I think I was doing it more for me than for him. You do whatever feels right and meaningful for you. I’m sorry she’s putting you through this, especially while you are going through so much other grief. Hugs. [/QUOTE]
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