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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 739822" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Leafy, I'm sorry you've had to feel any negative emotions at all in regard to your daughter.....but of course, we respond from our broken Mother's heart. It's so hard on us. The hardest thing most of us will ever do is watch our kids slip off the track.....for whatever reason.</p><p></p><p>I would have written your exact words a number of years ago when my daughter was in jail, same old, same old, only with a jailhouse beat in the otherwise usual melody. It wrung me out the first time, gave me some clarity the second. FWIW, my feelings are that like my own daughter, Tornado has covered her heart, drowned out the empathy and compassion with drugs, pushed down her grief about her Dad and what she's done with her kids. An open heart cannot deal with that kind of disconnect from ourselves. I don't believe it's even personal to you (but of course how else do we experience it?) I don't believe there is even a real thought process behind Tornado's communication to you, it's driven by drugs, or the lack of drugs, but more so, it's driven by survival....no one lives on the streets as long as she has without it changing how they view the world, the level of safety or lack thereof, is paramount, it's only about the basic life saving issues, food & shelter......(and drugs). My schizophrenic brother was on the streets of L.A. for years and when he came to stay with me before we secured an apartment for him, he was indeed, feral. </p><p></p><p>Leafy, I know this sounds kind of weird when we're talking about our precious kids, but Leafy, don't allow anything Tornado says to you to impact you <em>because you believe what she is saying is her truth.</em>.....it is survival, it is not about you or her love for you, it is about the most base human need to get what they need to survive. When I could get to that place inside myself, it was easier for me.....it stopped my judgements of my daughter & my anger at her....and I slowly began to accept her for how she showed up (with my massive boundaries intact). I was tired......I wanted to stop feeling bad..... it felt like a <em>surrender</em> to what is....I can't help but think of the quote by Eckhart Tolle..... which I know I say a lot, but it's a short statement which helps me remember how I don't have control over anything except how I respond to life......."Argue with reality and you suffer." I guess what I did was to stop arguing, stop expecting anything to be different......and honestly it was the single biggest shift I had with my experience with my daughter.</p><p></p><p>From my vantage point Leafy, you never travel far off your own path of self love or self care......you have a monumental tool box which you are adept at using....for me when my daughter skates in and presents me with a 'unique to her' perspective, I now see it as a means to make a slight adjustment in my self and perhaps another boundary or another communication...... another life lesson I maneuver through.........and aren't most about acceptance? </p><p></p><p>I hope this makes sense to you, sometimes it's tough to put into words the intricacies of our dealings with our kids. It's sure been the biggest lesson of my life......and remarkably, my daughter is doing ok, doing life on her terms, it doesn't matter what I think about it, it's her life to do with as she sees fit....now that I feel that and she doesn't feel judged by me, we are in a whole new ballgame. No one is more surprised and elated than I am. I felt like I gave it all up..... and once I did that..... my girl began her journey home.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 739822, member: 13542"] Leafy, I'm sorry you've had to feel any negative emotions at all in regard to your daughter.....but of course, we respond from our broken Mother's heart. It's so hard on us. The hardest thing most of us will ever do is watch our kids slip off the track.....for whatever reason. I would have written your exact words a number of years ago when my daughter was in jail, same old, same old, only with a jailhouse beat in the otherwise usual melody. It wrung me out the first time, gave me some clarity the second. FWIW, my feelings are that like my own daughter, Tornado has covered her heart, drowned out the empathy and compassion with drugs, pushed down her grief about her Dad and what she's done with her kids. An open heart cannot deal with that kind of disconnect from ourselves. I don't believe it's even personal to you (but of course how else do we experience it?) I don't believe there is even a real thought process behind Tornado's communication to you, it's driven by drugs, or the lack of drugs, but more so, it's driven by survival....no one lives on the streets as long as she has without it changing how they view the world, the level of safety or lack thereof, is paramount, it's only about the basic life saving issues, food & shelter......(and drugs). My schizophrenic brother was on the streets of L.A. for years and when he came to stay with me before we secured an apartment for him, he was indeed, feral. Leafy, I know this sounds kind of weird when we're talking about our precious kids, but Leafy, don't allow anything Tornado says to you to impact you [I]because you believe what she is saying is her truth.[/I].....it is survival, it is not about you or her love for you, it is about the most base human need to get what they need to survive. When I could get to that place inside myself, it was easier for me.....it stopped my judgements of my daughter & my anger at her....and I slowly began to accept her for how she showed up (with my massive boundaries intact). I was tired......I wanted to stop feeling bad..... it felt like a [I]surrender[/I] to what is....I can't help but think of the quote by Eckhart Tolle..... which I know I say a lot, but it's a short statement which helps me remember how I don't have control over anything except how I respond to life......."Argue with reality and you suffer." I guess what I did was to stop arguing, stop expecting anything to be different......and honestly it was the single biggest shift I had with my experience with my daughter. From my vantage point Leafy, you never travel far off your own path of self love or self care......you have a monumental tool box which you are adept at using....for me when my daughter skates in and presents me with a 'unique to her' perspective, I now see it as a means to make a slight adjustment in my self and perhaps another boundary or another communication...... another life lesson I maneuver through.........and aren't most about acceptance? I hope this makes sense to you, sometimes it's tough to put into words the intricacies of our dealings with our kids. It's sure been the biggest lesson of my life......and remarkably, my daughter is doing ok, doing life on her terms, it doesn't matter what I think about it, it's her life to do with as she sees fit....now that I feel that and she doesn't feel judged by me, we are in a whole new ballgame. No one is more surprised and elated than I am. I felt like I gave it all up..... and once I did that..... my girl began her journey home. [/QUOTE]
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