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Another Letter
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 739873" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Re, and all, I so appreciate you sharing from your experience. I am sure of this, Re. We have all at one time or another had to toughen ourselves to deal with life’s challenges, but for my two waywards, it is at a whole different level. Their choices and lifestyles have brought upon much misery, which I think they drown out with more drugs, more toughness.</p><p></p><p>She called and I picked up. Of course, she wants money in her account, needs dandruff shampoo, toothpaste, doctors visits, which she said she has an amount due so they won’t see her anymore. Can’t work because she got into fights. I told her I received her letter, she said she got mine after the fact. “I was just telling you how I feel...but I said I loved you at the end.”</p><p>Huh.</p><p>Then, “You think you are loving me, but not the way I need.”</p><p>Twice she repeated this.</p><p>I didn’t say too much, mostly listened.</p><p>The weird thing is, that I am kind of numb. So, I may be getting to where I need to be, not over emoting and worrying. But admittedly, I still don’t know how to deal with this. I am thinking this morning that I can set boundaries, but still be kind. I don't need to be angry, that is too much wasted energy. But, I do have to be smart and guard my heart.</p><p>Acceptance. That’s key, for sure, <em>how she shows up is the hard part.</em> I do see where you are coming from. I don’t know how to wrap my head around this yet. I don’t want to cut off communication, she is still my adult child, but I also don’t want to reinforce her tantrums and manipulation. She called again today asking</p><p>me to remember to put money in her account. It’s a theme.</p><p> True. It is a “what is, is” sort of thing. I don’t mind that you post it, it is a good reminder. That is a realist perspective. I also contemplate Frankl’s theory of idealism, which does argue with reality, <em>seeing a person for what they could be, not as they truly are. </em>It is a fine line to walk, between logic and hope.</p><p>Yes, most of life’s lessons are about acceptance, understanding that there are many things we have no control over.</p><p> It does make sense. I am glad that your daughter is doing okay Re.</p><p>Part of me wants to write a letter explaining why I cannot have her at home, why I won’t this or that, but I don’t feel it will make a difference to her. Maybe I will write one, <em>for me, and not send it. </em></p><p> <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/laugh.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":laugh:" title="laugh :laugh:" data-shortname=":laugh:" /> That’s funny. Maybe we can start our own card company.</p><p> That is what I am aiming for, not to take it personally. At the same time, people do have to take responsibility for how they speak to others. Or treat others. Hugs back, CTM.</p><p></p><p> This is a good idea Swot. Thank you!</p><p></p><p> They are ......clueless. It doesn’t faze Tornado. She brushes it off so easily, then asks for money. Huh.</p><p></p><p> If it is so awful, why keep at it? Stuck, I feel they are stuck. Drugs are the main focus. Tornado still denies it.</p><p>I am trying to figure out my boundaries with this new scenario. A friend told me if I am inclined to put money in her account, 20 dollars is plenty. Enough for toiletries, but not for drugs.</p><p></p><p> It is a pretty lopsided view on relationships. It’s been a long haul for us. I am a bit weary of it, to tell you the truth. I need to rehash my boundaries and strengthen myself and find my way through. I don’t want to overthink it either.</p><p>It is her road to travel. She’s trying to draw me in.</p><p>I have to be on my guard. I have much to focus on with my son graduating this year. Been so busy lately with work and activities, it took me a few days to write this. Thank you everyone for sharing. It means a lot to be able to hash this out and receive advice from those who have walked the walk.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 739873, member: 19522"] Hi Re, and all, I so appreciate you sharing from your experience. I am sure of this, Re. We have all at one time or another had to toughen ourselves to deal with life’s challenges, but for my two waywards, it is at a whole different level. Their choices and lifestyles have brought upon much misery, which I think they drown out with more drugs, more toughness. She called and I picked up. Of course, she wants money in her account, needs dandruff shampoo, toothpaste, doctors visits, which she said she has an amount due so they won’t see her anymore. Can’t work because she got into fights. I told her I received her letter, she said she got mine after the fact. “I was just telling you how I feel...but I said I loved you at the end.” Huh. Then, “You think you are loving me, but not the way I need.” Twice she repeated this. I didn’t say too much, mostly listened. The weird thing is, that I am kind of numb. So, I may be getting to where I need to be, not over emoting and worrying. But admittedly, I still don’t know how to deal with this. I am thinking this morning that I can set boundaries, but still be kind. I don't need to be angry, that is too much wasted energy. But, I do have to be smart and guard my heart. Acceptance. That’s key, for sure, [I]how she shows up is the hard part.[/I] I do see where you are coming from. I don’t know how to wrap my head around this yet. I don’t want to cut off communication, she is still my adult child, but I also don’t want to reinforce her tantrums and manipulation. She called again today asking me to remember to put money in her account. It’s a theme. True. It is a “what is, is” sort of thing. I don’t mind that you post it, it is a good reminder. That is a realist perspective. I also contemplate Frankl’s theory of idealism, which does argue with reality, [I]seeing a person for what they could be, not as they truly are. [/I]It is a fine line to walk, between logic and hope. Yes, most of life’s lessons are about acceptance, understanding that there are many things we have no control over. It does make sense. I am glad that your daughter is doing okay Re. Part of me wants to write a letter explaining why I cannot have her at home, why I won’t this or that, but I don’t feel it will make a difference to her. Maybe I will write one, [I]for me, and not send it. [/I] :laugh: That’s funny. Maybe we can start our own card company. That is what I am aiming for, not to take it personally. At the same time, people do have to take responsibility for how they speak to others. Or treat others. Hugs back, CTM. This is a good idea Swot. Thank you! They are ......clueless. It doesn’t faze Tornado. She brushes it off so easily, then asks for money. Huh. If it is so awful, why keep at it? Stuck, I feel they are stuck. Drugs are the main focus. Tornado still denies it. I am trying to figure out my boundaries with this new scenario. A friend told me if I am inclined to put money in her account, 20 dollars is plenty. Enough for toiletries, but not for drugs. It is a pretty lopsided view on relationships. It’s been a long haul for us. I am a bit weary of it, to tell you the truth. I need to rehash my boundaries and strengthen myself and find my way through. I don’t want to overthink it either. It is her road to travel. She’s trying to draw me in. I have to be on my guard. I have much to focus on with my son graduating this year. Been so busy lately with work and activities, it took me a few days to write this. Thank you everyone for sharing. It means a lot to be able to hash this out and receive advice from those who have walked the walk. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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