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Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 674758" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I will write of my experience with shunning.</p><p></p><p>My sister actively shunned me as a child. I was a thing.</p><p>If I was a <em>convenience</em> to her, <em>useful</em> in some way, then I was allowed to be a companion. I realize, that a lot of my time as a child was spent alone in my room.</p><p></p><p>When we would play with neighborhood children, I would many times be the outcast, this was initiated, and promoted <em>by my sister</em>. She would often engage my brother, in this practice.</p><p>I grew up feeling as if I didn't belong, there was something wrong with me. I still see myself as <em>different</em>.</p><p>I have a crazy imagination, and see things in ways that others do not, thus my rantings, off on different tangents and songs, imagery and videos in my posts.</p><p>I suppose I developed this as a child, in my room, wondering what the devil was wrong with me, but at the same time, being me? I have come to learn that I am not just highly sensitive,</p><p>I am an empath.</p><p><a href="http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html" target="_blank">http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html</a></p><p></p><p>Some people may view this as a brand of crazy. In some ways it is........</p><p>It is just me.</p><p>It presents a certain feeling of vulnerability, and also, <em>a sort of defiance</em>, in being me.</p><p></p><p>When I started the same middle school my sister went to, she scathingly warned me "Do not look at me or tell me hi in school, do not talk to my friends, they are <em>my friends</em>. Find your own friends."</p><p></p><p>I complied. I did not want to face the repercussions.</p><p>Then, at home, I was her go-for. Her slave.</p><p>"Get me the ketchup" Do this, do that....." Until one day, I stood up to her and said "Get it yourself."</p><p>The meanness and bullying continued.</p><p></p><p>I lived with this. There was no other choice.</p><p></p><p>I write this and think "Okay your mom and dad were good people, at least you did not have abusive parents." Yes, and no. They did not stop this.</p><p>I do not even know how aware they were of it, and the effect on me.</p><p></p><p>I was so lost and alone as a child. My family does not want to talk of this. I am supposed to get over it. In many ways I have gotten over it, but examine it to know myself better and to understand why I go to certain depths of feeling.</p><p></p><p>I acted out as a teen and sought refuge in drugs and the ocean and trying to find someone, <em>anyone to love me</em>.</p><p></p><p>I became pregnant with my first at 19. I stopped all my crazy partying and concentrated on bringing this child into the world.</p><p></p><p>My father was very upset. It was 1979. I was not married.</p><p>Mom would have hubs and I over for dinner, family functions. Mom had accepted us, Dad had not.</p><p>When I came over the house, Dad would say nothing, get up from his chair and retreat to his office upstairs. This continued to happen, until after my daughter was born. I would try to talk with my dad, he had nothing to say to me. Tight lipped, get up and leave the room. My mom tried to no avail. She said "He is hurt, he does not want to suffer hurt. He has shut himself off, he does not want to openly love you or your child and have something happen."</p><p></p><p>Hubs and I were living in a small apartment, <em>taking care of ourselves and not asking for anything</em>.</p><p></p><p>The shunning continued until after my child started to walk.</p><p></p><p>I remember her crawling to my father, leaning with one hand on his leg and smiling up at him, looking with her big, brown eyes, her other hand raised in the air, motioning for him to carry her.</p><p></p><p> He stood there, for a moment.</p><p></p><p>Then, he stepped over her, and walked out of the room.</p><p></p><p>This was very, very painful for me. </p><p>My mom, tried to mend things, talking to me of his feelings and how devastated he was when his mother died (he was 11) then his baby sister died tragically, when she was 18.</p><p>Mom said my Dad shut off parts of himself after that. </p><p>It was too painful. </p><p>She equated what was happening to my child and I with<em> that</em>. </p><p>She also would tell me Dad never really paid much attention to us when we were babies, </p><p>only when we could walk and talk, </p><p>did we become something more to him.</p><p><em>I </em>could take his rejection, <em>but he rejected my innocent child.</em></p><p></p><p>Swallow, gulp, sigh.</p><p></p><p>I was hurt and upset, and still to this day it hurts.</p><p></p><p>My father started to come round when hubs and I married.</p><p></p><p>I do understand why Dad, acted as he did. It was unconventional in the 70's having a child out of wedlock.</p><p>I do believe, my Dad was an empath, that is where I get it from.</p><p>I believe he denied himself this, studying Socrates and trying his best to remain even keeled and stoic.</p><p></p><p>I understand what you are saying Serenity, Cedar. Everyone who has suffered shunning.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is okay Serenity, In your perspective and experience, the no contact thing is completely unwarranted and ugly.</p><p></p><p>I am glad for the clarification.</p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>I do have a daily struggle with this, as I think most parents do, with d cs, in their using, even if they are clean, but still have addictive behaviors.</p><p></p><p>My daughter Tornado, uses shunning and withholds the grands. It is extremely painful.</p><p></p><p>I thank you for bringing this up. It touches a deep resonating chord for all of us, experiencing this in all of its different colors and aspects.</p><p></p><p><em>I am looked upon</em>, in the Hawaiian culture of today, as a shunner. </p><p>Allowing Rain to be homeless, not taking in Tornado and the grands,<em> is shunning, to most of hubs family.</em></p><p></p><p>So yes, the subject does strike up a lot of mixed emotions and feelings for me.</p><p></p><p>It is a good discussion Serenity.</p><p></p><p>I apologize for my misunderstanding, and thank you for clarifying your point.</p><p></p><p>I am very sorry this has happened to you.</p><p></p><p>I do not know where my relationship with my sister will go, considering our history, and some of her tendencies. Only time will tell..........</p><p>Shunning...UGH.</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 674758, member: 19522"] I will write of my experience with shunning. My sister actively shunned me as a child. I was a thing. If I was a [I]convenience[/I] to her, [I]useful[/I] in some way, then I was allowed to be a companion. I realize, that a lot of my time as a child was spent alone in my room. When we would play with neighborhood children, I would many times be the outcast, this was initiated, and promoted [I]by my sister[/I]. She would often engage my brother, in this practice. I grew up feeling as if I didn't belong, there was something wrong with me. I still see myself as [I]different[/I]. I have a crazy imagination, and see things in ways that others do not, thus my rantings, off on different tangents and songs, imagery and videos in my posts. I suppose I developed this as a child, in my room, wondering what the devil was wrong with me, but at the same time, being me? I have come to learn that I am not just highly sensitive, I am an empath. [URL]http://themindunleashed.org/2013/10/30-traits-of-empath.html[/URL] Some people may view this as a brand of crazy. In some ways it is........ It is just me. It presents a certain feeling of vulnerability, and also, [I]a sort of defiance[/I], in being me. When I started the same middle school my sister went to, she scathingly warned me "Do not look at me or tell me hi in school, do not talk to my friends, they are [I]my friends[/I]. Find your own friends." I complied. I did not want to face the repercussions. Then, at home, I was her go-for. Her slave. "Get me the ketchup" Do this, do that....." Until one day, I stood up to her and said "Get it yourself." The meanness and bullying continued. I lived with this. There was no other choice. I write this and think "Okay your mom and dad were good people, at least you did not have abusive parents." Yes, and no. They did not stop this. I do not even know how aware they were of it, and the effect on me. I was so lost and alone as a child. My family does not want to talk of this. I am supposed to get over it. In many ways I have gotten over it, but examine it to know myself better and to understand why I go to certain depths of feeling. I acted out as a teen and sought refuge in drugs and the ocean and trying to find someone, [I]anyone to love me[/I]. I became pregnant with my first at 19. I stopped all my crazy partying and concentrated on bringing this child into the world. My father was very upset. It was 1979. I was not married. Mom would have hubs and I over for dinner, family functions. Mom had accepted us, Dad had not. When I came over the house, Dad would say nothing, get up from his chair and retreat to his office upstairs. This continued to happen, until after my daughter was born. I would try to talk with my dad, he had nothing to say to me. Tight lipped, get up and leave the room. My mom tried to no avail. She said "He is hurt, he does not want to suffer hurt. He has shut himself off, he does not want to openly love you or your child and have something happen." Hubs and I were living in a small apartment, [I]taking care of ourselves and not asking for anything[/I]. The shunning continued until after my child started to walk. I remember her crawling to my father, leaning with one hand on his leg and smiling up at him, looking with her big, brown eyes, her other hand raised in the air, motioning for him to carry her. He stood there, for a moment. Then, he stepped over her, and walked out of the room. This was very, very painful for me. My mom, tried to mend things, talking to me of his feelings and how devastated he was when his mother died (he was 11) then his baby sister died tragically, when she was 18. Mom said my Dad shut off parts of himself after that. It was too painful. She equated what was happening to my child and I with[I] that[/I]. She also would tell me Dad never really paid much attention to us when we were babies, only when we could walk and talk, did we become something more to him. [I]I [/I]could take his rejection, [I]but he rejected my innocent child.[/I] Swallow, gulp, sigh. I was hurt and upset, and still to this day it hurts. My father started to come round when hubs and I married. I do understand why Dad, acted as he did. It was unconventional in the 70's having a child out of wedlock. I do believe, my Dad was an empath, that is where I get it from. I believe he denied himself this, studying Socrates and trying his best to remain even keeled and stoic. I understand what you are saying Serenity, Cedar. Everyone who has suffered shunning. It is okay Serenity, In your perspective and experience, the no contact thing is completely unwarranted and ugly. I am glad for the clarification. Thank you. I do have a daily struggle with this, as I think most parents do, with d cs, in their using, even if they are clean, but still have addictive behaviors. My daughter Tornado, uses shunning and withholds the grands. It is extremely painful. I thank you for bringing this up. It touches a deep resonating chord for all of us, experiencing this in all of its different colors and aspects. [I]I am looked upon[/I], in the Hawaiian culture of today, as a shunner. Allowing Rain to be homeless, not taking in Tornado and the grands,[I] is shunning, to most of hubs family.[/I] So yes, the subject does strike up a lot of mixed emotions and feelings for me. It is a good discussion Serenity. I apologize for my misunderstanding, and thank you for clarifying your point. I am very sorry this has happened to you. I do not know where my relationship with my sister will go, considering our history, and some of her tendencies. Only time will tell.......... Shunning...UGH. (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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