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Family of Origin
Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 674775" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>When my sister shunned my mother and I as my mother died I thought it was control. And vengeance.</p><p></p><p>But a lot of me thinks it was because she was afraid.</p><p></p><p>What she said was that she had to protect herself against my mother and I because we were toxic to her. That we would poison her and make her sick or weak or kill her. That we were hurtful <em>to her</em>. </p><p></p><p>(I do not know how anybody could do anything more hurtful than what she did to my dying mother.)</p><p></p><p>But I think she just could not take it. She could not tolerate the lack of control over my mother or over me. She could not tolerate the lack of control <em>over life itself</em>. She was losing her mother. For infinity. She preferred to shun my mother rather than tolerate the helplessness of losing her. She took control by shunning somebody who was dying. So she would not have to lose her. She was afraid. She shunned us to be proactive, to be in control over something she could not control</p><p></p><p>She blamed me. For all of it. Everything. That was easier. Or all she felt capable of. And saw it as strength. She saw it as "no contact." But I do not believe that no contact involves the kind of hurt she inflicted.</p><p></p><p>All of these things are so complicated. To feel strong we do weak, treacherous things. To absolve ourselves of responsibility, we blame others. Hold others accountable for what we cannot be or choose not to be. All of us. At one point or another.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 674775, member: 18958"] When my sister shunned my mother and I as my mother died I thought it was control. And vengeance. But a lot of me thinks it was because she was afraid. What she said was that she had to protect herself against my mother and I because we were toxic to her. That we would poison her and make her sick or weak or kill her. That we were hurtful [I]to her[/I]. (I do not know how anybody could do anything more hurtful than what she did to my dying mother.) But I think she just could not take it. She could not tolerate the lack of control over my mother or over me. She could not tolerate the lack of control [I]over life itself[/I]. She was losing her mother. For infinity. She preferred to shun my mother rather than tolerate the helplessness of losing her. She took control by shunning somebody who was dying. So she would not have to lose her. She was afraid. She shunned us to be proactive, to be in control over something she could not control She blamed me. For all of it. Everything. That was easier. Or all she felt capable of. And saw it as strength. She saw it as "no contact." But I do not believe that no contact involves the kind of hurt she inflicted. All of these things are so complicated. To feel strong we do weak, treacherous things. To absolve ourselves of responsibility, we blame others. Hold others accountable for what we cannot be or choose not to be. All of us. At one point or another. COPA [/QUOTE]
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Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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