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Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 674776" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>In light of Camille Paglia's words, who while speaking of something else, addressed the idea of "moving on," "not evolving" with respect to being a victim/survivor of date rape.</p><p></p><p>There is an intersection when a sense one that has been harmed by another, or others, becomes a way of living. The term is "secondary gain" when something difficult or noxious comes to provide a win to the person who is suffering, complaining of suffering, or accusing another of hurting them. "A win" that comes from feeling and thinking of oneself as a victim of somebody else.</p><p></p><p>The thing is that the win itself, that comes from portraying oneself as a victim, can be quite aggressor and hurtful in intention and in effect. Paglia talks about how it hurts the victim/survivor. By reinforcing their victimization and labeling them as such far longer than is necessary. Confining them to that role. Winning by losing. </p><p></p><p>Some think the survivor uses an identity as a victim to hurt others. As a vendetta. At Emma's graduation the President of Columbia University would not shake her hand. The young man who Emma denounced as a rapist feels that his own life has been destroyed by her. He has alleged that she is behaving vengefully towards him because she wanted an exclusive relationship. Of course, who can know if this is true or self-serving.</p><p></p><p>I am back here to my sister and my mother. My sister believed she was the victim. I believe she did a very hurtful thing when she shunned my dying mother.I lived my life like this. Alone. I raised a child alone. Before I adopted my son I was completely alone. I thought I chose it. I no longer believe I did. That makes me very sad.</p><p>This is what your sister does Serenity. When she stalks you here. She is consumed by you. She seems to want to continue hurting you. When you were not destroyed when she shunned you, and seemed rather relieved, she came to stalk you. She seems obsessed with the idea that you hurt her. Just like my sister feels about me and my mother. She does not seem to accept her own destructive acts and intentions. But she ascribes her own aggressive intent to others. Namely you. And when she feels angry or empty out of control, she blames you as having caused it.</p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>I am thinking here about wanting somebody in your life who you feel has hurt you, to suffer. Wanting vengeance and being sick with rage when you, yourself suffer, and the hated other does not.</p><p></p><p>Especially when you have love for that person and would long for somebody with whom to talk about your life, to understand and to remember. And there is nobody. The only person who could be that shuns you.</p><p></p><p>I have wanted my sister to suffer. I have wanted her investments to go down in value. I have not wanted her children to suffer but if I am really honest, there have been times when I wish my sister would know what it feels like to be me. I will admit it.</p><p></p><p>It is hard when somebody treats you with meanness, has invalidated you, and damaged your interests, disrespected you and your mate, and there is no consequence. That you are the only one who seems to suffer. It is hard and painful.</p><p></p><p>You know that saying: Back to you. I recognize that all of that wishing, really comes back to me. Whose investments go down in value? Mine. Who is out of control with money? Me. Whose child is suffering? My own.</p><p></p><p>I seek understanding and acceptance of my life and myself. It is hard, because there has been so little family for 50 years or more. I still am wondering if it is my fault.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 674776, member: 18958"] In light of Camille Paglia's words, who while speaking of something else, addressed the idea of "moving on," "not evolving" with respect to being a victim/survivor of date rape. There is an intersection when a sense one that has been harmed by another, or others, becomes a way of living. The term is "secondary gain" when something difficult or noxious comes to provide a win to the person who is suffering, complaining of suffering, or accusing another of hurting them. "A win" that comes from feeling and thinking of oneself as a victim of somebody else. The thing is that the win itself, that comes from portraying oneself as a victim, can be quite aggressor and hurtful in intention and in effect. Paglia talks about how it hurts the victim/survivor. By reinforcing their victimization and labeling them as such far longer than is necessary. Confining them to that role. Winning by losing. Some think the survivor uses an identity as a victim to hurt others. As a vendetta. At Emma's graduation the President of Columbia University would not shake her hand. The young man who Emma denounced as a rapist feels that his own life has been destroyed by her. He has alleged that she is behaving vengefully towards him because she wanted an exclusive relationship. Of course, who can know if this is true or self-serving. I am back here to my sister and my mother. My sister believed she was the victim. I believe she did a very hurtful thing when she shunned my dying mother.I lived my life like this. Alone. I raised a child alone. Before I adopted my son I was completely alone. I thought I chose it. I no longer believe I did. That makes me very sad. [B][I][/I][/B]This is what your sister does Serenity. When she stalks you here. She is consumed by you. She seems to want to continue hurting you. When you were not destroyed when she shunned you, and seemed rather relieved, she came to stalk you. She seems obsessed with the idea that you hurt her. Just like my sister feels about me and my mother. She does not seem to accept her own destructive acts and intentions. But she ascribes her own aggressive intent to others. Namely you. And when she feels angry or empty out of control, she blames you as having caused it. [B][I][I][/I][/I][/B]Yes. I am thinking here about wanting somebody in your life who you feel has hurt you, to suffer. Wanting vengeance and being sick with rage when you, yourself suffer, and the hated other does not. Especially when you have love for that person and would long for somebody with whom to talk about your life, to understand and to remember. And there is nobody. The only person who could be that shuns you. I have wanted my sister to suffer. I have wanted her investments to go down in value. I have not wanted her children to suffer but if I am really honest, there have been times when I wish my sister would know what it feels like to be me. I will admit it. It is hard when somebody treats you with meanness, has invalidated you, and damaged your interests, disrespected you and your mate, and there is no consequence. That you are the only one who seems to suffer. It is hard and painful. You know that saying: Back to you. I recognize that all of that wishing, really comes back to me. Whose investments go down in value? Mine. Who is out of control with money? Me. Whose child is suffering? My own. I seek understanding and acceptance of my life and myself. It is hard, because there has been so little family for 50 years or more. I still am wondering if it is my fault. COPA [/QUOTE]
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Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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