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Family of Origin
Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 674787" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Copa...I hope this helps.</p><p></p><p>You both left each other. You did not want to play the family role they cast you in, and they only wanted you if you would. This is healthy of you and unhealthy of them. In all families, even non-dyysfunctional ones, we get labeled with roles (I saw this on Dr. Phil Friday. I used to roll my eyes at him, but he was brilliant and it is true). He was trying to get a family to stop shunning and taking all their problems out on one daughter who he labled the family black sheep. There was a victim/giving up mother (he doesn't feel anyone should give up completely on a minor child) and the bleacher bum dad who never interacted and the "good" sister. I wanted to jump up and down and cheer for him. He nailed it. Then he said that he can't fix Black Sheep because it is a family problem. One person does not make the family problem. The entire family has a problem.</p><p></p><p>I believe this.</p><p></p><p>My mom would have been a horrible mother to ALL of us as children whether I had been there or not. She had no idea how to truly nurture, teach boundaries, teach coping skills, be comforting, nothing. And my brother would have still been physically ill and friendless and suffering because she did not know how to deal with his problems and my sister, the one who left the house as often as possible, would have still been ignored. And my dad would have been even a greater scapegoat because my mother knew no other way than to have a "lesser than" to her golden child brother, as it was in her home, and she was unwilling or unable to have the insight to see that she was doing the same thing she had to endure...being the "lesser than." I don't think my grandmother abused her, but then she was a people pleaser to her mother's wishes and I was not. How dare I question our family unit, especially as a kid. In a dysfunctional family, you do not s it down and discuss problems. The dynamics for that are not there. You just get shunned for bringing anything up.</p><p></p><p>There is no real one answer to this question. Whose fault is it? It was the way your family unit worked. Like mine. You did what you had to do. It was not wrong. You were mistreated. They retaliated like most dysfunctional families do if they shunned or semi-shunned you or tried to make you feel guilty for having a robust life that does not include them.</p><p></p><p>I hope one day you can move on and make friends, and find your own family of choice. Luckily you have M, but he is only one person. You are so intelligent and nice, I'm sure you could make many friends who would value you. I value you.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and let's try to both have serene and happy days!!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 674787, member: 1550"] Copa...I hope this helps. You both left each other. You did not want to play the family role they cast you in, and they only wanted you if you would. This is healthy of you and unhealthy of them. In all families, even non-dyysfunctional ones, we get labeled with roles (I saw this on Dr. Phil Friday. I used to roll my eyes at him, but he was brilliant and it is true). He was trying to get a family to stop shunning and taking all their problems out on one daughter who he labled the family black sheep. There was a victim/giving up mother (he doesn't feel anyone should give up completely on a minor child) and the bleacher bum dad who never interacted and the "good" sister. I wanted to jump up and down and cheer for him. He nailed it. Then he said that he can't fix Black Sheep because it is a family problem. One person does not make the family problem. The entire family has a problem. I believe this. My mom would have been a horrible mother to ALL of us as children whether I had been there or not. She had no idea how to truly nurture, teach boundaries, teach coping skills, be comforting, nothing. And my brother would have still been physically ill and friendless and suffering because she did not know how to deal with his problems and my sister, the one who left the house as often as possible, would have still been ignored. And my dad would have been even a greater scapegoat because my mother knew no other way than to have a "lesser than" to her golden child brother, as it was in her home, and she was unwilling or unable to have the insight to see that she was doing the same thing she had to endure...being the "lesser than." I don't think my grandmother abused her, but then she was a people pleaser to her mother's wishes and I was not. How dare I question our family unit, especially as a kid. In a dysfunctional family, you do not s it down and discuss problems. The dynamics for that are not there. You just get shunned for bringing anything up. There is no real one answer to this question. Whose fault is it? It was the way your family unit worked. Like mine. You did what you had to do. It was not wrong. You were mistreated. They retaliated like most dysfunctional families do if they shunned or semi-shunned you or tried to make you feel guilty for having a robust life that does not include them. I hope one day you can move on and make friends, and find your own family of choice. Luckily you have M, but he is only one person. You are so intelligent and nice, I'm sure you could make many friends who would value you. I value you. Hugs and let's try to both have serene and happy days!!!! [/QUOTE]
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Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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