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Family of Origin
Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 674790" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I agree Serenity. I think we naturally long to have a good relationship with our FOO. Sometimes it is not possible. It depends on the willingness on all sides, and how people <em>treat one another</em>. I think there are some folks out there who have some very real problems with treating others with kindness and fellow feeling, with <em>empathy</em>.</p><p>We are all imperfect humans and make mistakes. By ones actions, or repeated actions, mistakes reveal character flaws and show at times a <em>twisted value system</em>.</p><p>If one has been mistreated from childhood, it is difficult to step back and see just what the reality of it is. I think many people coming from dysfunctional families (and I write this realizing <em>every family has a bit of dysfunction</em>) go through a period of time self examining and wondering what they did, or have done to warrant ill treatment. Then there is an Ah Ha moment, hopefully somewhere down the line, that it was not a fault of their own, but a reflection of their family system.</p><p>It definitely takes a lot of work and <em>undoing, </em>damage done<em>. </em></p><p>A large part of our self image is formed during our childhoods. Finding a way to process and learn, grow away from past experiences and others perceptions of who we are, is paramount.</p><p>I think it is true that we all have our inner child still within us, certain incidences in our present lives, may trigger painful memories of the past. I think this is a way of our selves, trying to heal wounds that we were not able to understand or fix as children.</p><p><a href="http://www.mindful.org/healing-the-child-within/" target="_blank">http://www.mindful.org/healing-the-child-within/</a></p><p>If family members continue to act in the same cycle of roles, this is damaging.</p><p></p><p>I agree with you, that it is important to move on, and develop relationships with others, that become your own family.</p><p>Part of the problem may be, if people are so hurt by their own blood, how does one trust to bond with others? Then it becomes a matter of trusting yourself and being vulnerable.</p><p>I think people may shy away from trying to create relationship with others, because of past hurts and trust issues. Then, it is learning to trust ourselves, to make good judgement calls, on who we should allow into our inner circle.</p><p>I know, in my case, I have made mistakes in trusting people, and have felt at times that I have a "kick me" sign on.</p><p></p><p>I have learned to proceed a little more cautiously, before I let my guard down, and dive full force into friendships.</p><p></p><p>I absolutely love<em> people, </em>I am fascinated by the range of personalities and experiences out there.</p><p>I do realize, there are people out there, who are cunning and have hidden agendas, so one does have to be careful.</p><p></p><p>It is a matter of guarding our hearts, and discovering who we are, and what we would like our time left on this earth, to be. There is always the spice of circumstance, that we have to deal with. I guess it is a matter of being the captains of our own ships, and the people we draw close to, are on the journey with us.</p><p></p><p>It is all about how we choose to spend our valuable time. </p><p>In this life, we do not have the opportunity to call time outs, and stop the clock.</p><p>It just keeps ticking on, faster and faster it seems, the older I get.</p><p></p><p>Here is a quote from Epictetus, one of my Dads favorite philosophers</p><p></p><p>"The greater the difficulty the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests."</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yup, serene and happy days! So important. </p><p>Thank you Copa and Serenity for sharing your heart thoughts. I think when the day is done, and we have overcome our challenges, we should all be pretty skilled "pilots"......</p><p></p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 674790, member: 19522"] I agree Serenity. I think we naturally long to have a good relationship with our FOO. Sometimes it is not possible. It depends on the willingness on all sides, and how people [I]treat one another[/I]. I think there are some folks out there who have some very real problems with treating others with kindness and fellow feeling, with [I]empathy[/I]. We are all imperfect humans and make mistakes. By ones actions, or repeated actions, mistakes reveal character flaws and show at times a [I]twisted value system[/I]. If one has been mistreated from childhood, it is difficult to step back and see just what the reality of it is. I think many people coming from dysfunctional families (and I write this realizing [I]every family has a bit of dysfunction[/I]) go through a period of time self examining and wondering what they did, or have done to warrant ill treatment. Then there is an Ah Ha moment, hopefully somewhere down the line, that it was not a fault of their own, but a reflection of their family system. It definitely takes a lot of work and [I]undoing, [/I]damage done[I]. [/I] A large part of our self image is formed during our childhoods. Finding a way to process and learn, grow away from past experiences and others perceptions of who we are, is paramount. I think it is true that we all have our inner child still within us, certain incidences in our present lives, may trigger painful memories of the past. I think this is a way of our selves, trying to heal wounds that we were not able to understand or fix as children. [URL]http://www.mindful.org/healing-the-child-within/[/URL] If family members continue to act in the same cycle of roles, this is damaging. I agree with you, that it is important to move on, and develop relationships with others, that become your own family. Part of the problem may be, if people are so hurt by their own blood, how does one trust to bond with others? Then it becomes a matter of trusting yourself and being vulnerable. I think people may shy away from trying to create relationship with others, because of past hurts and trust issues. Then, it is learning to trust ourselves, to make good judgement calls, on who we should allow into our inner circle. I know, in my case, I have made mistakes in trusting people, and have felt at times that I have a "kick me" sign on. I have learned to proceed a little more cautiously, before I let my guard down, and dive full force into friendships. I absolutely love[I] people, [/I]I am fascinated by the range of personalities and experiences out there. I do realize, there are people out there, who are cunning and have hidden agendas, so one does have to be careful. It is a matter of guarding our hearts, and discovering who we are, and what we would like our time left on this earth, to be. There is always the spice of circumstance, that we have to deal with. I guess it is a matter of being the captains of our own ships, and the people we draw close to, are on the journey with us. It is all about how we choose to spend our valuable time. In this life, we do not have the opportunity to call time outs, and stop the clock. It just keeps ticking on, faster and faster it seems, the older I get. Here is a quote from Epictetus, one of my Dads favorite philosophers "The greater the difficulty the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests." Yup, serene and happy days! So important. Thank you Copa and Serenity for sharing your heart thoughts. I think when the day is done, and we have overcome our challenges, we should all be pretty skilled "pilots"...... (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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