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Family of Origin
Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 674835" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Yes. That there is not commitment or loyalty or fidelity or fealty. There is no constancy of caring or protection. No promise that means anything at all. No clarity of meaning or intention. Confusion and emotion and vendetta, whether conscious or not.</p><p>Yes. And we may leave first, before it is done to us. Because our understanding of relationship is disappointment and vulnerability.</p><p>I agree with your latter point. That the win for the abuser is power and control. It is a way to defend against their own pain and confusion. To make the child responsible in the abuser's mind but most damaging in the child's own mind for the bad thing that happened. Particularly if the abuser is responsible. It is to deflect responsibility and culpability. Is to avoid the psychological effects of the abuser's own errant conduct and emotions.. To hold the child responsible.</p><p></p><p>But the child could never allow herself to understand the mental trickery in this maneuver. Because look at the abandonment that it conceals. The child is a sacrificial lamb. And then the child sacrifices herself. And learns to do it over and over again, in response to myriad other situations throughout her life.</p><p></p><p>Especially damaging is when a situation becomes precarious or even unknowable or tense. The adult child will sacrifice herself in an attempt to restore equilibrium or security. It becomes the worst sort of survival technique. To sacrifice yourself in order to live.</p><p>I think it was always the primary power. More damaging and effective than isolation or corporal punishment or ridicule. All damaging in themselves. But banishing is the worst of punishments, next to death. Banishing from the social group is social death. We were as if killed hundreds and hundreds of times. By our mothers. At home. We had nowhere to go. Nobody else.</p><p>And stilettos in the back, most typically.</p><p>Cedar, you have just described it. The most exquisite of powers.</p><p></p><p>When I made the decision that my mother should leave my house and go to an assisted living or board and care, it was only reasonable. I had already not worked for 4 months, and 3 months I lived at my mother's home far away from my own. I had devoted my life to my mother and her interests during that time. I only came to the decision because I was being eaten alive by her with my mom in my house. As her servant 24 hours a day. And her caretaker.</p><p></p><p>When she began screaming and raging at the board and care part of it was desperation and helplessness, and a sense of being abandoned. I know that. But she was using a ploy to which I responded in a devastating way (against myself.) She was doing to me what she had done thousands of times before. Holding me fully responsible for her feelings. Sacrificing me. Attacking me. Rejecting me. Blaming me. Abandoning me. Punishing me. Better it be me, than her.</p><p></p><p>I forgive her and I forgave her. I knew she was trying to live, and I was her lifeline.</p><p></p><p>But there was a time she was my lifeline.</p><p></p><p>And it did not matter to her. Then. I forgive her for that too. She would have done better if she could have. I believe she loved me.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, I cannot forgive myself. For almost anything.</p><p></p><p>You guys. I am going to try to take a timeout from posting. It may be a day or two. It may be longer. I am going to try to focus on getting better. I will be back as soon as I am in a better space. Thank you all.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 674835, member: 18958"] Yes. That there is not commitment or loyalty or fidelity or fealty. There is no constancy of caring or protection. No promise that means anything at all. No clarity of meaning or intention. Confusion and emotion and vendetta, whether conscious or not. Yes. And we may leave first, before it is done to us. Because our understanding of relationship is disappointment and vulnerability. I agree with your latter point. That the win for the abuser is power and control. It is a way to defend against their own pain and confusion. To make the child responsible in the abuser's mind but most damaging in the child's own mind for the bad thing that happened. Particularly if the abuser is responsible. It is to deflect responsibility and culpability. Is to avoid the psychological effects of the abuser's own errant conduct and emotions.. To hold the child responsible. But the child could never allow herself to understand the mental trickery in this maneuver. Because look at the abandonment that it conceals. The child is a sacrificial lamb. And then the child sacrifices herself. And learns to do it over and over again, in response to myriad other situations throughout her life. Especially damaging is when a situation becomes precarious or even unknowable or tense. The adult child will sacrifice herself in an attempt to restore equilibrium or security. It becomes the worst sort of survival technique. To sacrifice yourself in order to live. I think it was always the primary power. More damaging and effective than isolation or corporal punishment or ridicule. All damaging in themselves. But banishing is the worst of punishments, next to death. Banishing from the social group is social death. We were as if killed hundreds and hundreds of times. By our mothers. At home. We had nowhere to go. Nobody else. And stilettos in the back, most typically. Cedar, you have just described it. The most exquisite of powers. When I made the decision that my mother should leave my house and go to an assisted living or board and care, it was only reasonable. I had already not worked for 4 months, and 3 months I lived at my mother's home far away from my own. I had devoted my life to my mother and her interests during that time. I only came to the decision because I was being eaten alive by her with my mom in my house. As her servant 24 hours a day. And her caretaker. When she began screaming and raging at the board and care part of it was desperation and helplessness, and a sense of being abandoned. I know that. But she was using a ploy to which I responded in a devastating way (against myself.) She was doing to me what she had done thousands of times before. Holding me fully responsible for her feelings. Sacrificing me. Attacking me. Rejecting me. Blaming me. Abandoning me. Punishing me. Better it be me, than her. I forgive her and I forgave her. I knew she was trying to live, and I was her lifeline. But there was a time she was my lifeline. And it did not matter to her. Then. I forgive her for that too. She would have done better if she could have. I believe she loved me. But the thing is, I cannot forgive myself. For almost anything. You guys. I am going to try to take a timeout from posting. It may be a day or two. It may be longer. I am going to try to focus on getting better. I will be back as soon as I am in a better space. Thank you all. COPA [/QUOTE]
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Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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