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Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 674896" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I have been researching the mix of feelings attending shunning or being shunned. Shunning, in any of its manifestations, is about power-over. Shunning, in any of its manifestations, is about bullying and ostracizing to establish and stabilize the superiority of the "in group".</p><p></p><p>That is the "why" behind shunning.</p><p></p><p>The same "why" we found behind all other forms of abuse.</p><p></p><p>Rage is something we feel when we are powerless to stop repeated cycles of hurt. When we are victimized, and can neither leave nor take vengeance nor accept what is happening over and over again. The danger in shunning, in any of its manifestations (racism is shunning; politics, as we know it today, is powered by a shunning dynamic; medical care has taken on a hectoring, judgmental tone, as has education), is that the victim will begin to believe he is intrinsically wrong in some way he can no longer name or defend against. In fact, it is those who shun who are, in choosing to foster pain, evil.</p><p></p><p>Blatantly evil people fomenting hatred, whether in the family unit, or in the complex fabric that comprises social interaction.</p><p></p><p>Listen to the news. You will see and hear it, the dynamic of shunning. Watch commercials for makeup or clothing or medicines...there it is, again, from a different perspective.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>In one of the articles I read yesterday, the government having required Jewish people to wear the Star of David was noted as an example of shunning with the authority of the government to legitimize it. <em>This helped establish and solidify the fledgling authoritarian government. That is why it was done. This is an important piece for us all to remember. Once begun, these decisions to exclude and to ridicule take on terrible lives of their own. </em> During that same time in Germany, homosexuals were forced to wear pink triangle armbands. The greater harm done these groups was that, required to wear highly visible signs that their communities had judged them undesirable, they identified themselves as undesirable.</p><p></p><p>For people of color, the "badge" can be their own skin.</p><p></p><p>As this dynamic matured in the society, those symbols alone became incendiary things, stoking hatred and divisiveness even in relationships which had been friendly, before. The person wearing the armband was hated on sight. The armband dehumanized the person required to wear it, leaving him vulnerable to every kind of victimization.</p><p></p><p><em>And that was its purpose.</em></p><p></p><p>The dynamic in our societies makes no more sense than it does, in our families of origin.</p><p></p><p>But how to fight it?</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Over time, rage and the continued hurt our families of origin seem determined to inflict through their stalking behaviors especially, can become, for us, deepest depression. The way to take our senses of efficacy back is to begin with small steps. Give ourselves the gift of the way the sun looks. Or the way a song we love sounds. That we love our pets or our children or our mates. (This is a piece of the reason our families of origin lie about and condemn our mates. This is a piece of why they attack when we are vulnerable over the pain we are in when our children are endangered. They operate through the coward's dynamic, victimizing the fallen. They can be seen like jackals in that way.) According to the research I read, this is not going to change.</p><p></p><p>Therefore, we will need to save ourselves.</p><p></p><p>This is where Copa's Sleeping Beauty kiss comes in. Copa was very right: We save ourselves through the love we give, through the good we do.</p><p></p><p>Again, according to the research I read yesterday, this dynamic that works so well for our families of origin is not going to change.</p><p></p><p>We need to let them go.</p><p></p><p>Here is a quote from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross:</p><p></p><p><em>The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not "get over" the loss. You will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole, again. You will not be the same. Nor would you want to be.</em></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>It isn't only the elephant in the room that leaves us feeling exposed when we tell someone that we are not seeing, or are not being seen by, our families. It isn't only the positives that we miss that make us feel badly, it is the good, strengthening, life-affirming things that happen from one minute to the next in healthy families. Catching the eye of someone we love, seeing them smile, bringing them food they like to eat, creating a network of support. The familiar routine of the holidays, of tradition and cherishment over time matters very much ~ even though everyone complains about family and they even make movies about love and frustration and being glad the holidays are over and at the same time, looking forward to next year's holiday.</p><p></p><p>We don't have that. We are lonely in a peculiarly piercing way almost always, and especially, at the holidays.</p><p></p><p>I hear what you are saying Serenity about being strong enough within ourselves to acknowledge the dynamic fueling the engines grinding away at the hearts of our families of origin, but it seems very hard for me to admit that it is what it is.</p><p></p><p>That is where the grieving piece comes in, maybe.</p><p></p><p>There is some comfort for me in acknowledging the sincerity of what I feel, instead of trying to sidestep it.</p><p></p><p>Here is a partial quote from memory:</p><p></p><p><em>I am ashamed of these tears and yet, at the extreme of my misfortune, I am ashamed not to shed them.</em></p><p></p><p>We are alone in some vital, essential way, without our families of origin.</p><p></p><p>Those dirty rats.</p><p></p><p>I think it is healthy to define these feelings well enough to funnel anger and rejection through the proper channels. Remember that we will have formed emotional channels that will leave us berating ourselves for our loneliness through the holidays.</p><p></p><p>That is why it is crucial to come through these times consciously.</p><p></p><p>A resolution to be kinder to ourselves ~ not kind, but only kinder ~ helped me very much.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 674896, member: 17461"] I have been researching the mix of feelings attending shunning or being shunned. Shunning, in any of its manifestations, is about power-over. Shunning, in any of its manifestations, is about bullying and ostracizing to establish and stabilize the superiority of the "in group". That is the "why" behind shunning. The same "why" we found behind all other forms of abuse. Rage is something we feel when we are powerless to stop repeated cycles of hurt. When we are victimized, and can neither leave nor take vengeance nor accept what is happening over and over again. The danger in shunning, in any of its manifestations (racism is shunning; politics, as we know it today, is powered by a shunning dynamic; medical care has taken on a hectoring, judgmental tone, as has education), is that the victim will begin to believe he is intrinsically wrong in some way he can no longer name or defend against. In fact, it is those who shun who are, in choosing to foster pain, evil. Blatantly evil people fomenting hatred, whether in the family unit, or in the complex fabric that comprises social interaction. Listen to the news. You will see and hear it, the dynamic of shunning. Watch commercials for makeup or clothing or medicines...there it is, again, from a different perspective. *** In one of the articles I read yesterday, the government having required Jewish people to wear the Star of David was noted as an example of shunning with the authority of the government to legitimize it. [I]This helped establish and solidify the fledgling authoritarian government. That is why it was done. This is an important piece for us all to remember. Once begun, these decisions to exclude and to ridicule take on terrible lives of their own. [/I] During that same time in Germany, homosexuals were forced to wear pink triangle armbands. The greater harm done these groups was that, required to wear highly visible signs that their communities had judged them undesirable, they identified themselves as undesirable. For people of color, the "badge" can be their own skin. As this dynamic matured in the society, those symbols alone became incendiary things, stoking hatred and divisiveness even in relationships which had been friendly, before. The person wearing the armband was hated on sight. The armband dehumanized the person required to wear it, leaving him vulnerable to every kind of victimization. [I]And that was its purpose.[/I] The dynamic in our societies makes no more sense than it does, in our families of origin. But how to fight it? *** Over time, rage and the continued hurt our families of origin seem determined to inflict through their stalking behaviors especially, can become, for us, deepest depression. The way to take our senses of efficacy back is to begin with small steps. Give ourselves the gift of the way the sun looks. Or the way a song we love sounds. That we love our pets or our children or our mates. (This is a piece of the reason our families of origin lie about and condemn our mates. This is a piece of why they attack when we are vulnerable over the pain we are in when our children are endangered. They operate through the coward's dynamic, victimizing the fallen. They can be seen like jackals in that way.) According to the research I read, this is not going to change. Therefore, we will need to save ourselves. This is where Copa's Sleeping Beauty kiss comes in. Copa was very right: We save ourselves through the love we give, through the good we do. Again, according to the research I read yesterday, this dynamic that works so well for our families of origin is not going to change. We need to let them go. Here is a quote from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross: [I]The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not "get over" the loss. You will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole, again. You will not be the same. Nor would you want to be.[/I] Yes. It isn't only the elephant in the room that leaves us feeling exposed when we tell someone that we are not seeing, or are not being seen by, our families. It isn't only the positives that we miss that make us feel badly, it is the good, strengthening, life-affirming things that happen from one minute to the next in healthy families. Catching the eye of someone we love, seeing them smile, bringing them food they like to eat, creating a network of support. The familiar routine of the holidays, of tradition and cherishment over time matters very much ~ even though everyone complains about family and they even make movies about love and frustration and being glad the holidays are over and at the same time, looking forward to next year's holiday. We don't have that. We are lonely in a peculiarly piercing way almost always, and especially, at the holidays. I hear what you are saying Serenity about being strong enough within ourselves to acknowledge the dynamic fueling the engines grinding away at the hearts of our families of origin, but it seems very hard for me to admit that it is what it is. That is where the grieving piece comes in, maybe. There is some comfort for me in acknowledging the sincerity of what I feel, instead of trying to sidestep it. Here is a partial quote from memory: [I]I am ashamed of these tears and yet, at the extreme of my misfortune, I am ashamed not to shed them.[/I] We are alone in some vital, essential way, without our families of origin. Those dirty rats. I think it is healthy to define these feelings well enough to funnel anger and rejection through the proper channels. Remember that we will have formed emotional channels that will leave us berating ourselves for our loneliness through the holidays. That is why it is crucial to come through these times consciously. A resolution to be kinder to ourselves ~ not kind, but only kinder ~ helped me very much. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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