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Another rough day...
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<blockquote data-quote="Albatross" data-source="post: 649664" data-attributes="member: 17720"><p>I think it is a question of what is right or wrong for YOU, not what's right or wrong for your son. We ultimately have to decide what we can live with in our hearts. We aren't blessed with knowing the outcome of helping or not helping.</p><p></p><p>I personally think any help other than verbal encouragement is going to ensure that he keeps expecting you to solve his problems for him if he screams loud and long enough. That's been my experience.</p><p></p><p>In my case, we cut my son off from all assistance other than words of encouragement. Since then he has finally gotten a job, he shows up, and he even got himself a raise. He does his laundry, has a cute little apartment that he takes pride in and is finally going back to college to make up those classes he failed. He even got himself an adorable new kitten.</p><p></p><p>I'm totally kidding, of course.</p><p></p><p>He has no job and no intentions of getting one. He is staying rent-free with 2 friends, and I probably don't want to know why they let him. He somehow comes up with money for gas and fast food...I don't want to know how. I know he had an arraignment for some misdemeanor drug charges, so I can take an educated guess. And we only found out about that because the notice was mailed to my son's address of record. He went to his arraignment and agreed to show up for a few drug tests and pay a minimal fine in the next 30 days and the charges would be dismissed.</p><p></p><p>But he's disappeared again, so I guess he will be arrested and/or have his license suspended.</p><p></p><p>Would it have been right to step in this time, when we have always believed it is right to hold firm about not helping other than words of encouragement?</p><p></p><p>We actually did. We provided an attorney for him at the arraignment. And he's disappeared again. And the outcome is the same as if he had not even shown up at the arraignment in the first place.</p><p></p><p>As parents, we CARE about not being arrested, being able to get to work, having food, etc. Apparently they do not. And helping them doesn't make them care.</p><p></p><p>Then again, NOT helping apparently doesn't make them care either. So there's no right answer in terms of how it affects them. We can only do what we can live with, as parents and as a couple.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Albatross, post: 649664, member: 17720"] I think it is a question of what is right or wrong for YOU, not what's right or wrong for your son. We ultimately have to decide what we can live with in our hearts. We aren't blessed with knowing the outcome of helping or not helping. I personally think any help other than verbal encouragement is going to ensure that he keeps expecting you to solve his problems for him if he screams loud and long enough. That's been my experience. In my case, we cut my son off from all assistance other than words of encouragement. Since then he has finally gotten a job, he shows up, and he even got himself a raise. He does his laundry, has a cute little apartment that he takes pride in and is finally going back to college to make up those classes he failed. He even got himself an adorable new kitten. I'm totally kidding, of course. He has no job and no intentions of getting one. He is staying rent-free with 2 friends, and I probably don't want to know why they let him. He somehow comes up with money for gas and fast food...I don't want to know how. I know he had an arraignment for some misdemeanor drug charges, so I can take an educated guess. And we only found out about that because the notice was mailed to my son's address of record. He went to his arraignment and agreed to show up for a few drug tests and pay a minimal fine in the next 30 days and the charges would be dismissed. But he's disappeared again, so I guess he will be arrested and/or have his license suspended. Would it have been right to step in this time, when we have always believed it is right to hold firm about not helping other than words of encouragement? We actually did. We provided an attorney for him at the arraignment. And he's disappeared again. And the outcome is the same as if he had not even shown up at the arraignment in the first place. As parents, we CARE about not being arrested, being able to get to work, having food, etc. Apparently they do not. And helping them doesn't make them care. Then again, NOT helping apparently doesn't make them care either. So there's no right answer in terms of how it affects them. We can only do what we can live with, as parents and as a couple. [/QUOTE]
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