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Another rough day...
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 649670" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Albatross, I do think what you say is somewhat true. But the issue is...how much do WE want to take? Do we want to have a life of our own and spend as much time with our significant others and respectful, caring family members and friends than we do with our manipulative, using adult children? Do we want to give them all of our retirement? We have to all know they certainly are not going to be there for us if we run out of money and get sick. In fact, in many cases, once the ATM is turned off, they have nothing more to do with us. This is our story as well as theirs.</p><p></p><p>In some cases it does help. We have examples here on this forum. My daughter is an example. She got her own life together when she realized nobody else would. That included a job, quitting drugs including meth, quitting cigarettes too!!!, dumping the losers who were always around when trouble struck and who encouraged her to keep using, and starting her real life over again. Some adult kids will do what my daughter did. Some will be messes no matter what we do. Do we owe them our lives? To die young of stress and leave everyone prematurely, even those who had nothing to do with our troubled sweethearts? To get high blood pressure and other stress related diseases while never have a clear mind or peace?</p><p></p><p>That is truly up to the person. There are 85 year old moms still running to rescuse 60 year old adult seniors (I guess that's what you'd call them at that age) who are abusive, still stealing from them, literally waiting for them to die so they can inherit money. They HAVE given up their entire life to difficult child. Their dreams were never seen. Their other chidlren are angry and distraught and probably will not be much support for Troubled Adult Senior.</p><p></p><p>But the 85 year old may be doing the only thing she feels comfortable doing, even if she has lived for fifty years worrying about this "child." It's not wrong...to me, it's just sad. Sad for her.</p><p></p><p>I have seen posts where people put, "I can't be happy while he is suffering."</p><p></p><p>Well, you can learn coping skills and do it. And, after all, who causes his suffering? It's the adult child, not you. Why does what he is experiencing make some of us unable to be happy or to feel guilty if we, who worked hard all our lives, experience well-earned joy? It isn't logical. Better to think, in my opinion, "I wish he could be happy too, but he has chosen not to and we can't control his chosen path."</p><p></p><p>So in the end we do what is right for us. For me, I need to bask in my blessings. I have had many trials, but have ended up oh-so-blessed and I choose to concentrate on that. I am happy now, peaceful. I can not assure that my adult children will always be happy. But I can be a loving mom with a shoulder to cry on without allowing my adult children to abuse me or use me or disrespect me. And I can have much joy and happiness. I never dreamed I'd be so contented. I never dreamed I'd ever be able to let go. I was that mom who even worried about her best behaved and most balanced children. I have even learned to let go of that quickly. I have no control over anyone but me. I can be loving without pretending that my adult children and I are the same person who should feel the same emotions...and if they are sad that I have to be sad with them. Sympathetic, if the cause is worthwhile, of course. Sad? No. That doesn't help anyone.</p><p></p><p>My attitude has always been to let them know we believe they can do better, even if they struggle. In the case of my own two kids who struggled, both landed on their feet...one in spectacular fashion and the other still struggling a little, but supporting himself 100%. Maybe because of that, I think tough love (the love included) is better than never giving them the feeling that they can do it. Sure, it could take years, but many of our troubled adult children WILL find their way, but in my opinion only, not if he are there to catch them every time they stumble or whine. Yes, it's hard not to do it. But I feel we have to remind them that are are men and women, no longer children.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 649670, member: 1550"] Albatross, I do think what you say is somewhat true. But the issue is...how much do WE want to take? Do we want to have a life of our own and spend as much time with our significant others and respectful, caring family members and friends than we do with our manipulative, using adult children? Do we want to give them all of our retirement? We have to all know they certainly are not going to be there for us if we run out of money and get sick. In fact, in many cases, once the ATM is turned off, they have nothing more to do with us. This is our story as well as theirs. In some cases it does help. We have examples here on this forum. My daughter is an example. She got her own life together when she realized nobody else would. That included a job, quitting drugs including meth, quitting cigarettes too!!!, dumping the losers who were always around when trouble struck and who encouraged her to keep using, and starting her real life over again. Some adult kids will do what my daughter did. Some will be messes no matter what we do. Do we owe them our lives? To die young of stress and leave everyone prematurely, even those who had nothing to do with our troubled sweethearts? To get high blood pressure and other stress related diseases while never have a clear mind or peace? That is truly up to the person. There are 85 year old moms still running to rescuse 60 year old adult seniors (I guess that's what you'd call them at that age) who are abusive, still stealing from them, literally waiting for them to die so they can inherit money. They HAVE given up their entire life to difficult child. Their dreams were never seen. Their other chidlren are angry and distraught and probably will not be much support for Troubled Adult Senior. But the 85 year old may be doing the only thing she feels comfortable doing, even if she has lived for fifty years worrying about this "child." It's not wrong...to me, it's just sad. Sad for her. I have seen posts where people put, "I can't be happy while he is suffering." Well, you can learn coping skills and do it. And, after all, who causes his suffering? It's the adult child, not you. Why does what he is experiencing make some of us unable to be happy or to feel guilty if we, who worked hard all our lives, experience well-earned joy? It isn't logical. Better to think, in my opinion, "I wish he could be happy too, but he has chosen not to and we can't control his chosen path." So in the end we do what is right for us. For me, I need to bask in my blessings. I have had many trials, but have ended up oh-so-blessed and I choose to concentrate on that. I am happy now, peaceful. I can not assure that my adult children will always be happy. But I can be a loving mom with a shoulder to cry on without allowing my adult children to abuse me or use me or disrespect me. And I can have much joy and happiness. I never dreamed I'd be so contented. I never dreamed I'd ever be able to let go. I was that mom who even worried about her best behaved and most balanced children. I have even learned to let go of that quickly. I have no control over anyone but me. I can be loving without pretending that my adult children and I are the same person who should feel the same emotions...and if they are sad that I have to be sad with them. Sympathetic, if the cause is worthwhile, of course. Sad? No. That doesn't help anyone. My attitude has always been to let them know we believe they can do better, even if they struggle. In the case of my own two kids who struggled, both landed on their feet...one in spectacular fashion and the other still struggling a little, but supporting himself 100%. Maybe because of that, I think tough love (the love included) is better than never giving them the feeling that they can do it. Sure, it could take years, but many of our troubled adult children WILL find their way, but in my opinion only, not if he are there to catch them every time they stumble or whine. Yes, it's hard not to do it. But I feel we have to remind them that are are men and women, no longer children. [/QUOTE]
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