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Another rough day...
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<blockquote data-quote="2much2recover" data-source="post: 649718" data-attributes="member: 18366"><p>Lil, I want to share a another tact I use to 'bargain" with myself. The " I respect my husband, my life partner too much" to do ____________________.</p><p>I think you Jabber came into both your lives when Difficult Child was 2 years old. To help you to say no to money I did a little math for you. Assuming the apartment and the cellphone average $400 per month - and this is just fantasy math to show you what is happening to your (and Jabber's future) $4000 x 12 = $4800 x 4 (years) x4 % (interest on investments) = $2680 not going into your future retirement. I really respect Jabber, as I do all men who step up to the plate and take care of another man's child. It comes to them at a price - a price of their own future retirement. Your retirement. I did a little research and the costs before collage and car for raising a child to 18 in 1985 averaged $250,000. Half that and you get the amount that Jabber has contributed to a son he loves very much but still it really was the financial responsibility of the bio-dad. Math again: $125000 x .4 (4 percent) and he would have had at minimum another $55,000 for his own future retirement (or $180,000). Add in his contributions to college and a car, cigarettes, dinner out and current ongoing financial needs and you can see that Jabber not only has a lot invested emotionally, but he has invested quite a bit in his own financial security out of love for your son. How much can you continue to ask of Jabber financially - for his share? When can you honestly say enough is enough and I won't let my husband be used one more time, not even for a package of romein noodles?</p><p>It truly took me seeing the disadvantage my daughter wanted to take of my husband (who did more for her than her bio-dad did) or the lack of respect my daughter showed him now we wanted to stop the flow of money to Difficult Child. </p><p>I am disabled. You have mentioned that you and Jabber don't have a lot to give Difficult Child anyway. Imagine, if you keep giving to Difficult Child and God forbid something should happen to one of you - a 2 wage earner family - how would you two make it? What about the TWO OF YOU? I can tell you it takes most people 2 years to get disability - could you financially go for two years without one of your paychecks - waiting that you <em>MAY </em>get a monthly pittance of a disability check? How would one of you financially survive if something happened to the other and what would retirement look like without the extra money thrown away on Difficult Child?</p><p></p><p>I throw really difficult crap your way Lil, because as much as you want to be blind, slowly, slowly through the tough love we offer you here, you begin to open your eyes. I also understand that when you do you are horrified at what you see. I also see big changes from when you first came here. I think you are one stubborn lady (wonder whose DNA that is LOL) but in the end you are capable of seeing what is right and what is wrong and <em>eventually act on it. </em>You get big props from me on that. To stop giving to our children when they are destroying their own lives is the last thing we won't to do. But we love other people (our spouses) and they deserve better than to go through all of this mentally, emotionally AND financially. They deserve what we promised them on our wedding day - the most important part being the number one person in our lives. We all have to let go of or children. Just because you don't like the way you have to "let go" doesn't make your situation any different. At some point child is grown and then it is time for just you and husband. Just because YOUR child is throwing his life away, doesn't mean he gets "special" treatment" in that you keep allowing him to live like a child, keep supporting him like one. No, now is the time, long ago promised for it to be for you and Jabber, alone the two of you as husband and wife - as is meant to be. You are a lucky lady, you have a man that stood by you, a single mother and helped you to raise that child. When, oh when is it Jabber's turn to turn off the money flow and perhaps take his sweetheart on a date instead of throwing it away on an apartment he doesn't even live in - doesn't even want to be on the lease for?</p><p>If you can't let go for yourself, do it for Jabber - he has shown you and your son years of support and respect and now it is your turn to protect the respect that is do him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="2much2recover, post: 649718, member: 18366"] Lil, I want to share a another tact I use to 'bargain" with myself. The " I respect my husband, my life partner too much" to do ____________________. I think you Jabber came into both your lives when Difficult Child was 2 years old. To help you to say no to money I did a little math for you. Assuming the apartment and the cellphone average $400 per month - and this is just fantasy math to show you what is happening to your (and Jabber's future) $4000 x 12 = $4800 x 4 (years) x4 % (interest on investments) = $2680 not going into your future retirement. I really respect Jabber, as I do all men who step up to the plate and take care of another man's child. It comes to them at a price - a price of their own future retirement. Your retirement. I did a little research and the costs before collage and car for raising a child to 18 in 1985 averaged $250,000. Half that and you get the amount that Jabber has contributed to a son he loves very much but still it really was the financial responsibility of the bio-dad. Math again: $125000 x .4 (4 percent) and he would have had at minimum another $55,000 for his own future retirement (or $180,000). Add in his contributions to college and a car, cigarettes, dinner out and current ongoing financial needs and you can see that Jabber not only has a lot invested emotionally, but he has invested quite a bit in his own financial security out of love for your son. How much can you continue to ask of Jabber financially - for his share? When can you honestly say enough is enough and I won't let my husband be used one more time, not even for a package of romein noodles? It truly took me seeing the disadvantage my daughter wanted to take of my husband (who did more for her than her bio-dad did) or the lack of respect my daughter showed him now we wanted to stop the flow of money to Difficult Child. I am disabled. You have mentioned that you and Jabber don't have a lot to give Difficult Child anyway. Imagine, if you keep giving to Difficult Child and God forbid something should happen to one of you - a 2 wage earner family - how would you two make it? What about the TWO OF YOU? I can tell you it takes most people 2 years to get disability - could you financially go for two years without one of your paychecks - waiting that you [I]MAY [/I]get a monthly pittance of a disability check? How would one of you financially survive if something happened to the other and what would retirement look like without the extra money thrown away on Difficult Child? I throw really difficult crap your way Lil, because as much as you want to be blind, slowly, slowly through the tough love we offer you here, you begin to open your eyes. I also understand that when you do you are horrified at what you see. I also see big changes from when you first came here. I think you are one stubborn lady (wonder whose DNA that is LOL) but in the end you are capable of seeing what is right and what is wrong and [I]eventually act on it. [/I]You get big props from me on that. To stop giving to our children when they are destroying their own lives is the last thing we won't to do. But we love other people (our spouses) and they deserve better than to go through all of this mentally, emotionally AND financially. They deserve what we promised them on our wedding day - the most important part being the number one person in our lives. We all have to let go of or children. Just because you don't like the way you have to "let go" doesn't make your situation any different. At some point child is grown and then it is time for just you and husband. Just because YOUR child is throwing his life away, doesn't mean he gets "special" treatment" in that you keep allowing him to live like a child, keep supporting him like one. No, now is the time, long ago promised for it to be for you and Jabber, alone the two of you as husband and wife - as is meant to be. You are a lucky lady, you have a man that stood by you, a single mother and helped you to raise that child. When, oh when is it Jabber's turn to turn off the money flow and perhaps take his sweetheart on a date instead of throwing it away on an apartment he doesn't even live in - doesn't even want to be on the lease for? If you can't let go for yourself, do it for Jabber - he has shown you and your son years of support and respect and now it is your turn to protect the respect that is do him. [/QUOTE]
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