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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 620075" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thank you all for your kind responses. I so appreciate all of you.</p><p></p><p>The last few days have been about SO and I setting new boundaries with my granddaughter. It is WAY, WAY easier then it was with my difficult child, but still..................it is not my strong suit, so I am having to be strong and hold that line, override my empathy and natural giving tendencies (and old enabling tendencies) and look at this newly................that this is for HER, for her future, for her ability to stand on her own and make good choices, to not be entitled, to teach her independence from the safe cocoon we have provided for her.</p><p></p><p>Last night we drove her to the Apple store to get a new phone. The phone I bought her for Christmas broke. Fortunately we have insurance for it, but still it was $79. I insisted she pay for the phone. (she has a job and makes enough to pay for some things)The other day I insisted she pay for the overage on the Verizon cell phone bill for her using the internet on her phone which runs about an extra $40 a month. Last week I insisted she pay for a part of the repairs to SO's car which she had an accident with and the repairs were rather costly. I made a budget for her to do all of these payments for the next few months so she could begin to really understand what the value of money is and how immediate gratification doesn't work when you have bills to pay. ( a lesson her mother has yet to learn) She has to meet a GPA criteria before she can continue to drive our cars and have her own. Her hang out time with her bff is limited to do homework and we have stopped driving her anywhere but to school and work. These all represent big changes for all of us. No one is comfortable quite yet with the new regime. Sigh. I have to say, I will be relieved when my tenure in this teenage world is complete!!</p><p></p><p>This is a small pocket of change compared to so many others which have been devastating............this is not so hard as it is bumpy and new and that I have to be awake to continue to make the changes. It's all good..............I'm a little tired though, not as peppy as I used to be!</p><p></p><p>So much has happened in the last two years............so many changes gone on inside and outside of me.............with each step forward now I am gaining momentum in this new life............no more two steps forward and 10 steps back like it was for so long as I was stopping the enabling with my daughter..............<em>there is real progress happening on all fronts. </em></p><p></p><p>I have mostly looked at this as a spiritual journey............often depicted as three stages............my understanding of it is this............the first being the old life blows up...........one is forced to retreat from normal life........... the second stage is to go within to find ones true value and ones own authenticity and one's own identity now bringing along spirit, or divinity or God, or however one see's a higher power.............shifting from a completely physical interpretation to a more spiritual perspective...............and then the "return"...........stepping out of that internal place back into the world, but with a whole new outlook and (hopefully) a whole new, healthy, authentic, empowered self who has the ability to withstand uncertainty and flow with events without judgments, comparisons and attachments. Tall order. Many years ago, when I was in the first stages of this journey, I came across books and teachers which showed me I could look at it this way rather then simply massive suffering and loss..................</p><p></p><p>That's what it feels like to me now.............that I am emerging from an internal hurricane which lasted for quite some time and now the terrain is completely changed, cleansed by the massive power of the force of the light, the expansion of values more in tune with the soul rather then my ego or my shame or my own fears and 'small' self........</p><p></p><p>I have the tools to use to shift things with my granddaughter...............I can have some level of trust in myself to make good, healthy choices...........even when it feels weird and hard...........and I am tired. And, I have you guys............all of us huddled together, reporting our various stages of change, facing our fears, showing up each day to do battle, or rest, or have a pot of tea.............and to realize, wherever we are in the journey, that <strong>we are doing it</strong>, we are here, present, accounted for, ready for the next step...............wow............hooray for all of us....................keep those wagons circled............<em>I like you all being close......</em>.......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 620075, member: 13542"] Thank you all for your kind responses. I so appreciate all of you. The last few days have been about SO and I setting new boundaries with my granddaughter. It is WAY, WAY easier then it was with my difficult child, but still..................it is not my strong suit, so I am having to be strong and hold that line, override my empathy and natural giving tendencies (and old enabling tendencies) and look at this newly................that this is for HER, for her future, for her ability to stand on her own and make good choices, to not be entitled, to teach her independence from the safe cocoon we have provided for her. Last night we drove her to the Apple store to get a new phone. The phone I bought her for Christmas broke. Fortunately we have insurance for it, but still it was $79. I insisted she pay for the phone. (she has a job and makes enough to pay for some things)The other day I insisted she pay for the overage on the Verizon cell phone bill for her using the internet on her phone which runs about an extra $40 a month. Last week I insisted she pay for a part of the repairs to SO's car which she had an accident with and the repairs were rather costly. I made a budget for her to do all of these payments for the next few months so she could begin to really understand what the value of money is and how immediate gratification doesn't work when you have bills to pay. ( a lesson her mother has yet to learn) She has to meet a GPA criteria before she can continue to drive our cars and have her own. Her hang out time with her bff is limited to do homework and we have stopped driving her anywhere but to school and work. These all represent big changes for all of us. No one is comfortable quite yet with the new regime. Sigh. I have to say, I will be relieved when my tenure in this teenage world is complete!! This is a small pocket of change compared to so many others which have been devastating............this is not so hard as it is bumpy and new and that I have to be awake to continue to make the changes. It's all good..............I'm a little tired though, not as peppy as I used to be! So much has happened in the last two years............so many changes gone on inside and outside of me.............with each step forward now I am gaining momentum in this new life............no more two steps forward and 10 steps back like it was for so long as I was stopping the enabling with my daughter..............[I]there is real progress happening on all fronts. [/I] I have mostly looked at this as a spiritual journey............often depicted as three stages............my understanding of it is this............the first being the old life blows up...........one is forced to retreat from normal life........... the second stage is to go within to find ones true value and ones own authenticity and one's own identity now bringing along spirit, or divinity or God, or however one see's a higher power.............shifting from a completely physical interpretation to a more spiritual perspective...............and then the "return"...........stepping out of that internal place back into the world, but with a whole new outlook and (hopefully) a whole new, healthy, authentic, empowered self who has the ability to withstand uncertainty and flow with events without judgments, comparisons and attachments. Tall order. Many years ago, when I was in the first stages of this journey, I came across books and teachers which showed me I could look at it this way rather then simply massive suffering and loss.................. That's what it feels like to me now.............that I am emerging from an internal hurricane which lasted for quite some time and now the terrain is completely changed, cleansed by the massive power of the force of the light, the expansion of values more in tune with the soul rather then my ego or my shame or my own fears and 'small' self........ I have the tools to use to shift things with my granddaughter...............I can have some level of trust in myself to make good, healthy choices...........even when it feels weird and hard...........and I am tired. And, I have you guys............all of us huddled together, reporting our various stages of change, facing our fears, showing up each day to do battle, or rest, or have a pot of tea.............and to realize, wherever we are in the journey, that [B]we are doing it[/B], we are here, present, accounted for, ready for the next step...............wow............hooray for all of us....................keep those wagons circled............[I]I like you all being close......[/I]....... [/QUOTE]
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