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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 338089" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I agree that would have helped (grandma inviting him over for brief visits, just as much as he can handle) but because the prohibition has been put in place, I think it has to now stand.</p><p></p><p>However, maybe once he's endured the ban then perhaps G'ma could invite him over for one hour, for afternoon tea. If she uses this time to teach him some basic social skills (small talk, how to take tea with someone socially etc) then at least it could give him confidence in these situations if he's well practiced.</p><p></p><p>I'm not excusing him, but Daughter losing it with him was NOT helpful. I know she's a easy child and that PCs often bear the brunt of the turmoil, but it's something I've also noticed - PCs, especially those "not fully cooked" and even those who are now adults, often have a very short, inappropriately short, fuse for their difficult child siblings. And they are not backward in coming forward and telling them off, either, which can cause all sorts of simmering problems to boil over.</p><p></p><p>We saw this with easy child and difficult child 3 over his birthday weekend - we went to the theatre as a family. difficult child 3 was a bit anxious beforehand (as he always is with theatre or a movie he hasn't seen before) and so husband & I were aware of the need to keep his anxiety level soothed down a bit. We let him have his Nintendo DS with him to play at quiet moments as we know it helps him stay calm. </p><p>But in the restaurant before the show, easy child immediately chipped difficult child 3 when he got out his DS. I had just said it was OK, she really should have stayed out of it. I had to correct her in front of difficult child 3, which meant she lost face as an authority figure. But really, there was no need for her to be fussy about it. He had politely waited until we chose what we were going to eat and had placed our order. It was not a fancy restaurant, it was simply a place to get a fast, good quality sit-down meal. It was also a Chinese restaurant, and they are extremely flexible when it comes to children in their restaurants. Nothing pretentious here. </p><p></p><p>When we travelled in NZ, easy child was on difficult child 3's casr then, too, because he was gaming in the car while we were driving around, and gaming when we stopped to eat. Some of the time we supported her strictness over this because he DOES need to put it down sometimes. But she tried to push far too hard on it, she really needed to back off a bit and allow some leeway.</p><p></p><p>It was the same yesterday with easy child 2/difficult child 2, behaving like difficult child 3's mother instead of his sister. While I was there! I am quite capable of managing my son!</p><p></p><p>Sometimes difficult child 3 clashes with husband. Sometimes husband is right, sometimes the problem gets out of hand because husband is pushing that little bit too hard. Sometimes difficult child 3 is being reactive because he's hypersensitive to husband's criticism. Lately there have been a few times when I've had to step into an escalating altercation with, "Stop! Pause this! Both of you, cut it out NOW! Now tell me, what is going on?"</p><p></p><p>I use "pause" because it is gaming terminology. It has a strict, specific meaning. I am then more likely to get a break in them trying to kill one another, and be able to get enough information to adjudicate the situation. Often I am tempted to bang heads together. A few times I've said to difficult child 3, "If you had two heads I'd bang them together." It has meant that sometimes I chastise husband in front of difficult child 3, but only if it's already obvious to difficult child 3 that his dad is in the wrong - I'm not changing his opinion one iota. But the good thing - if he's wrong, husband will apologise to difficult child 3. And difficult child 3 needs to experience this in order to, in his turn, learn to apologise when HE is wrong.</p><p></p><p>At the moment we are working towards learning "unconditional apology". It's going to take time.</p><p></p><p>Oh, and good for your husband to drive him to the store to make difficult child apologise. It's the BEST punishment for the crime. The only addition would be at the store's discretion, if they decided they didn't want the merchandise back - they could insist that difficult child pay for the pencils.</p><p></p><p>Have you tried to find out why he took them? It is probably worth digging for, I think he needs to understand what tempted him so he won't be so easily tempted next time.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 338089, member: 1991"] I agree that would have helped (grandma inviting him over for brief visits, just as much as he can handle) but because the prohibition has been put in place, I think it has to now stand. However, maybe once he's endured the ban then perhaps G'ma could invite him over for one hour, for afternoon tea. If she uses this time to teach him some basic social skills (small talk, how to take tea with someone socially etc) then at least it could give him confidence in these situations if he's well practiced. I'm not excusing him, but Daughter losing it with him was NOT helpful. I know she's a easy child and that PCs often bear the brunt of the turmoil, but it's something I've also noticed - PCs, especially those "not fully cooked" and even those who are now adults, often have a very short, inappropriately short, fuse for their difficult child siblings. And they are not backward in coming forward and telling them off, either, which can cause all sorts of simmering problems to boil over. We saw this with easy child and difficult child 3 over his birthday weekend - we went to the theatre as a family. difficult child 3 was a bit anxious beforehand (as he always is with theatre or a movie he hasn't seen before) and so husband & I were aware of the need to keep his anxiety level soothed down a bit. We let him have his Nintendo DS with him to play at quiet moments as we know it helps him stay calm. But in the restaurant before the show, easy child immediately chipped difficult child 3 when he got out his DS. I had just said it was OK, she really should have stayed out of it. I had to correct her in front of difficult child 3, which meant she lost face as an authority figure. But really, there was no need for her to be fussy about it. He had politely waited until we chose what we were going to eat and had placed our order. It was not a fancy restaurant, it was simply a place to get a fast, good quality sit-down meal. It was also a Chinese restaurant, and they are extremely flexible when it comes to children in their restaurants. Nothing pretentious here. When we travelled in NZ, easy child was on difficult child 3's casr then, too, because he was gaming in the car while we were driving around, and gaming when we stopped to eat. Some of the time we supported her strictness over this because he DOES need to put it down sometimes. But she tried to push far too hard on it, she really needed to back off a bit and allow some leeway. It was the same yesterday with easy child 2/difficult child 2, behaving like difficult child 3's mother instead of his sister. While I was there! I am quite capable of managing my son! Sometimes difficult child 3 clashes with husband. Sometimes husband is right, sometimes the problem gets out of hand because husband is pushing that little bit too hard. Sometimes difficult child 3 is being reactive because he's hypersensitive to husband's criticism. Lately there have been a few times when I've had to step into an escalating altercation with, "Stop! Pause this! Both of you, cut it out NOW! Now tell me, what is going on?" I use "pause" because it is gaming terminology. It has a strict, specific meaning. I am then more likely to get a break in them trying to kill one another, and be able to get enough information to adjudicate the situation. Often I am tempted to bang heads together. A few times I've said to difficult child 3, "If you had two heads I'd bang them together." It has meant that sometimes I chastise husband in front of difficult child 3, but only if it's already obvious to difficult child 3 that his dad is in the wrong - I'm not changing his opinion one iota. But the good thing - if he's wrong, husband will apologise to difficult child 3. And difficult child 3 needs to experience this in order to, in his turn, learn to apologise when HE is wrong. At the moment we are working towards learning "unconditional apology". It's going to take time. Oh, and good for your husband to drive him to the store to make difficult child apologise. It's the BEST punishment for the crime. The only addition would be at the store's discretion, if they decided they didn't want the merchandise back - they could insist that difficult child pay for the pencils. Have you tried to find out why he took them? It is probably worth digging for, I think he needs to understand what tempted him so he won't be so easily tempted next time. Marg [/QUOTE]
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