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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 640232" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Sheila, I am sorry you are having to deal with your two adult kids and your grandchild in the manner in which you do. I can completely understand why you say you hate your life, your life has been taken over by the needs of others who have kept you held hostage by those needs and your giving nature. It is time to stop it.</p><p></p><p>Both of your kids are way past the age of requiring parenting. If you want to go to Florida with your husband then do it. Give your daughter a date to move out, find out the eviction requirements in your state and stick with the date. Tell your son you are stopping all payments as of the same date. <em>Grab hold of your own life</em>. The way you will do that is two fold, get some serious support for YOU, private therapy would likely be best since it sounds as if you are an enabler, someone who consistently puts others needs before their own. Attend 12 step groups if that sounds okay to you, Al-Anon, Narc-Anon, Families Anonymous, CoDa. Get help for <em><u>you</u></em> to make these tough decisions. Second step, figure out what it is you want to do for YOU and your husband, figure out a plan, then set those boundaries and <em>do it</em>. You may need a couple of months to implement your plan, to assist your daughter in gaining Social Services, food stamps, a job, etc. and offer your son a list of shelters in the area. His threat of dying is most likely a manipulation to get you to keep paying for him. Both of your kids sound entitled. Often our enabling patterning helps keep them in that entitled state. They will likely not be the ones to change this situation. It will likely have to be YOU. </p><p></p><p>If I were you I would feel stuck and hate my life as well. I have been in a similar place not 3 years ago with my almost 42 year old daughter. With the help of an almost 2 year long Codependency Course where I saw therapists weekly, privately and in a group setting, going to CoDa groups, this forum and my complete resolve and commitment to stop the insane runaway train I found myself on.........I got off the crazy roller coaster ride of enabling and was able to learn how to detach. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post.</p><p></p><p>As soon as possible, find some form of support for you. It will not only make a huge difference to assist you in making the decisions to get out from under, it will shorten the duration of change considerably. This is such a difficult position to be in, all of our parental fears come to the fore......but with support, learning to set boundaries and a plan of action, you can come out the other side and once again enjoy your own life, which you deserve to be doing........now.</p><p></p><p>And, Sheila, your kids MAY fail. That is not your responsibility. It is theirs. That is what needs to change, the fact that you take responsibility for their lives and that they are used to you doing it so they let you and promote the idea by manipulating you. My daughter is homeless and has a warrant out for her arrest. Three years ago she would have made that my responsibility, and I would have taken it. Now she doesn't. Her life hasn't changed much, but mine has changed immeasurably and for the better. I wanted peace of mind and I wanted to stop the enabling. I did. You can too. Start today. Look for help. Figure out your plan. Implement it. Stop all the money going out. Put it away for your move to Florida.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. We're here. I'm glad you found us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 640232, member: 13542"] Sheila, I am sorry you are having to deal with your two adult kids and your grandchild in the manner in which you do. I can completely understand why you say you hate your life, your life has been taken over by the needs of others who have kept you held hostage by those needs and your giving nature. It is time to stop it. Both of your kids are way past the age of requiring parenting. If you want to go to Florida with your husband then do it. Give your daughter a date to move out, find out the eviction requirements in your state and stick with the date. Tell your son you are stopping all payments as of the same date. [I]Grab hold of your own life[/I]. The way you will do that is two fold, get some serious support for YOU, private therapy would likely be best since it sounds as if you are an enabler, someone who consistently puts others needs before their own. Attend 12 step groups if that sounds okay to you, Al-Anon, Narc-Anon, Families Anonymous, CoDa. Get help for [I][U]you[/U][/I] to make these tough decisions. Second step, figure out what it is you want to do for YOU and your husband, figure out a plan, then set those boundaries and [I]do it[/I]. You may need a couple of months to implement your plan, to assist your daughter in gaining Social Services, food stamps, a job, etc. and offer your son a list of shelters in the area. His threat of dying is most likely a manipulation to get you to keep paying for him. Both of your kids sound entitled. Often our enabling patterning helps keep them in that entitled state. They will likely not be the ones to change this situation. It will likely have to be YOU. If I were you I would feel stuck and hate my life as well. I have been in a similar place not 3 years ago with my almost 42 year old daughter. With the help of an almost 2 year long Codependency Course where I saw therapists weekly, privately and in a group setting, going to CoDa groups, this forum and my complete resolve and commitment to stop the insane runaway train I found myself on.........I got off the crazy roller coaster ride of enabling and was able to learn how to detach. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. As soon as possible, find some form of support for you. It will not only make a huge difference to assist you in making the decisions to get out from under, it will shorten the duration of change considerably. This is such a difficult position to be in, all of our parental fears come to the fore......but with support, learning to set boundaries and a plan of action, you can come out the other side and once again enjoy your own life, which you deserve to be doing........now. And, Sheila, your kids MAY fail. That is not your responsibility. It is theirs. That is what needs to change, the fact that you take responsibility for their lives and that they are used to you doing it so they let you and promote the idea by manipulating you. My daughter is homeless and has a warrant out for her arrest. Three years ago she would have made that my responsibility, and I would have taken it. Now she doesn't. Her life hasn't changed much, but mine has changed immeasurably and for the better. I wanted peace of mind and I wanted to stop the enabling. I did. You can too. Start today. Look for help. Figure out your plan. Implement it. Stop all the money going out. Put it away for your move to Florida. Hang in there. We're here. I'm glad you found us. [/QUOTE]
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