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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 756512" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Hi, Overwhelmed. How are you doing right now? Stop. Breathe deeply. If you believe, remind yourself that God is right beside you.</p><p></p><p>You do not have to either put up with abuse from your kids, live with your son AND the girlfriend (really???) or forever shudder about what other people think of you. Once I did, but that is very much over. I don't care anymore. Neither does my husband.</p><p></p><p>I am in the community eye because of church and a business we run. So we are fair game for gossip and we get it. My difficult daughter used to visit a lot and caused scenes in public that had jaws flapping for months. I am sure many were happy to talk about our crazy daughter plus our deficient parenting skills.</p><p></p><p>Some good came of our decision to stop caring about those "other people" and what they said/thought. I think the same would happen in your case. Stop putting others before you please. If you do this...first of all, you find out who your real friends are. You find out who they aren't too.</p><p></p><p>If that leaves you alone, good! You can start to get to know different people.We made tons of real friends in Al Anon. Church too only some church friends turned out to be NOT real friends and talked about us behind our backs. So we stopped engaging with them. Same with neighbors. Some family, more distant relatives, were cut off for acting unkind and we have since reconciled with them because they apologized and stopped.</p><p></p><p>The best part is that if you stop trying to figure out what you did wrong and just realize that THEY are the ones going wrong for their own reasons, it sets you free. To get there, we used a therapist AND Al Anon. I think one is enough but two changed our once miserable lives for good.</p><p></p><p>Once you get real and face it that your kids are adults doing what they do because of themselves only, then you are free. Free to set reasonable boundaries. Free to evict your almost middle age son and this girlfriend, who is nothing to you. Free to say no without guilt. Free to lose touch if the kids refuse to hang around you unless you act as a bank and a slave. Free to turn off your phone, block, refuse to answer your door. Free to refuse poor treatment from anyone. Period.</p><p></p><p>We all needed to care for our ten year olds, not our 20, 30 and 40 year olds...and older!! They know what to do. If they won't, that is on them.</p><p></p><p>If you have baby/child pictures of your kids on your walls I recommend taking them down. Don't look back. They are grown ups now. Those cute little.kids are gone. Don't think of your kids as helpless cute babies who need you for survival.</p><p></p><p>Your grown kids have no right to make you so sad. Neither do others who don't understand your situation.</p><p></p><p>Only one person can make you happy. That is you. You have to learn to love yourself. Toxic people do not enrich your life, even if they are your kids, now grown up and abusive and not thriving.</p><p></p><p>I had to grow up myself to get here. But my husband and I are done with false friends, gossips, the opinions of others and allowing our daughter to abuse us. It will never happen again.</p><p></p><p>If God is in your life lean on Him. Do seek out professional help. Like Copa said, go to another town if you feel more comfortable but go. Try Al Anon. Everyone will understand you for once. You don't have to talk at all unless you are ready. Listening is healing. We did nothing but listen for a long time.</p><p></p><p>Do not let anyone but you be the boss of your personal life.</p><p></p><p>In these times, you may not be able to do all my suggestions if you want to, but I hope you look up therapist,and see where and when Al Anon meets and plan to evict the son and girlfriend. One thing we did not allow was for Kay to have males with her under our roof. That may have been the only boundary we set for a decade, although she moved out we helped. We did not want her there.</p><p></p><p>You hold your chin up and please please plan to care for YOU! You have the time now to plan. We will be here. Every step of the way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 756512, member: 23706"] Hi, Overwhelmed. How are you doing right now? Stop. Breathe deeply. If you believe, remind yourself that God is right beside you. You do not have to either put up with abuse from your kids, live with your son AND the girlfriend (really???) or forever shudder about what other people think of you. Once I did, but that is very much over. I don't care anymore. Neither does my husband. I am in the community eye because of church and a business we run. So we are fair game for gossip and we get it. My difficult daughter used to visit a lot and caused scenes in public that had jaws flapping for months. I am sure many were happy to talk about our crazy daughter plus our deficient parenting skills. Some good came of our decision to stop caring about those "other people" and what they said/thought. I think the same would happen in your case. Stop putting others before you please. If you do this...first of all, you find out who your real friends are. You find out who they aren't too. If that leaves you alone, good! You can start to get to know different people.We made tons of real friends in Al Anon. Church too only some church friends turned out to be NOT real friends and talked about us behind our backs. So we stopped engaging with them. Same with neighbors. Some family, more distant relatives, were cut off for acting unkind and we have since reconciled with them because they apologized and stopped. The best part is that if you stop trying to figure out what you did wrong and just realize that THEY are the ones going wrong for their own reasons, it sets you free. To get there, we used a therapist AND Al Anon. I think one is enough but two changed our once miserable lives for good. Once you get real and face it that your kids are adults doing what they do because of themselves only, then you are free. Free to set reasonable boundaries. Free to evict your almost middle age son and this girlfriend, who is nothing to you. Free to say no without guilt. Free to lose touch if the kids refuse to hang around you unless you act as a bank and a slave. Free to turn off your phone, block, refuse to answer your door. Free to refuse poor treatment from anyone. Period. We all needed to care for our ten year olds, not our 20, 30 and 40 year olds...and older!! They know what to do. If they won't, that is on them. If you have baby/child pictures of your kids on your walls I recommend taking them down. Don't look back. They are grown ups now. Those cute little.kids are gone. Don't think of your kids as helpless cute babies who need you for survival. Your grown kids have no right to make you so sad. Neither do others who don't understand your situation. Only one person can make you happy. That is you. You have to learn to love yourself. Toxic people do not enrich your life, even if they are your kids, now grown up and abusive and not thriving. I had to grow up myself to get here. But my husband and I are done with false friends, gossips, the opinions of others and allowing our daughter to abuse us. It will never happen again. If God is in your life lean on Him. Do seek out professional help. Like Copa said, go to another town if you feel more comfortable but go. Try Al Anon. Everyone will understand you for once. You don't have to talk at all unless you are ready. Listening is healing. We did nothing but listen for a long time. Do not let anyone but you be the boss of your personal life. In these times, you may not be able to do all my suggestions if you want to, but I hope you look up therapist,and see where and when Al Anon meets and plan to evict the son and girlfriend. One thing we did not allow was for Kay to have males with her under our roof. That may have been the only boundary we set for a decade, although she moved out we helped. We did not want her there. You hold your chin up and please please plan to care for YOU! You have the time now to plan. We will be here. Every step of the way. [/QUOTE]
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