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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 756631" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I will reply to this based upon my own life and my own child and relationship.</p><p></p><p>This is one aspect of what I meant about feeling bad around my son. This is so painful to write. My son was a very handsome young man and still could be a quite handsome man. But with his hoody, and beard he puts out his light. He smokes. And he has adopted mannerisms and modes of speech that I experience as odd, at times. When I speak to him on the phone, I don't have to confront so much his oddities or habits. When I see him in person, I am forced to experience the reality. I hate it. There is no pleasure in seeing or being with my child who I love.</p><p></p><p>It is way better lately. He is shaving, and the worst of it is gone, like, for example when he returned from the big Metro and he looked as bad as the worst homeless people, or it felt that way to me. But even a few months ago when he was living in the property I own, he was often dirty and disheveled.</p><p></p><p>So. I am finally to my point here.</p><p></p><p>What mother in the world would feel good at this?</p><p></p><p>I don't want to imagine a lifetime of wanting distance from my only child. But the reality is this: If our children make choices to make themselves pariahs, those around them will be forced to experience this with them. Why should we? It's not the same thing as a physically disabled or ill person. My son has been diagnosed with mental illness. But he also makes myriad and continuing choices to reinforce his mental illness rather than confront it.</p><p></p><p>What I am trying to say here is I don't think there are shoulds about being obligated to share the space of our children who are not doing for themselves what they could be doing. I no longer feel obligated to take on my son. I see both that I hurt him by doing this and I hurt myself. I see that part of me that needed to shield and protect and to carry him as a damaged part of myself, that I can and am healing.</p><p></p><p>My son as he is now is very much not in my interests, in terms of my healing, my peace of mind, my spiritual growth and my actual physical and mental well-being. This is because of choices he makes. It has nothing to do with anything about me as a person or a mother. I don't think it is wrong to acknowledge this. I think there is a point where people need to stand on their own. And I don't think it's wrong to protect ourselves. Personally, I think it's the right thing to protect ourselves. Those of you who have been on this site for a long time recognize how much my outlook has changed.</p><p></p><p>I am not angry with my son. I am no longer frustrated. I don't feel like his victim any longer. This shift has happened because I no longer am (as much) putting myself in a position where he can victimize me, transgress my boundaries, frustrate or anger me. As a consequence everything changed, for me.</p><p></p><p>There was no conscious or deliberate choice to have no contact. I have had minimal phone/text contact. But the reality is every time I do, I feel bad and I feel sad. He can't summon up even a modicum of sustained responsibility or humanity or reciprocity vis a vis me. I don't know how he comports in other relationships, but that's not my business. When I do experience the reality of my son, it reaffirms my position that I am better off away from him.</p><p></p><p>I feel a little bit sad, but not overcome. It's just real. I don't think I do anybody any favors hiding from reality. Paradoxically, I am better able to hang onto hope because my hope now is based upon facing the truth. My son, not I, is responsible for his life.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 756631, member: 18958"] I will reply to this based upon my own life and my own child and relationship. This is one aspect of what I meant about feeling bad around my son. This is so painful to write. My son was a very handsome young man and still could be a quite handsome man. But with his hoody, and beard he puts out his light. He smokes. And he has adopted mannerisms and modes of speech that I experience as odd, at times. When I speak to him on the phone, I don't have to confront so much his oddities or habits. When I see him in person, I am forced to experience the reality. I hate it. There is no pleasure in seeing or being with my child who I love. It is way better lately. He is shaving, and the worst of it is gone, like, for example when he returned from the big Metro and he looked as bad as the worst homeless people, or it felt that way to me. But even a few months ago when he was living in the property I own, he was often dirty and disheveled. So. I am finally to my point here. What mother in the world would feel good at this? I don't want to imagine a lifetime of wanting distance from my only child. But the reality is this: If our children make choices to make themselves pariahs, those around them will be forced to experience this with them. Why should we? It's not the same thing as a physically disabled or ill person. My son has been diagnosed with mental illness. But he also makes myriad and continuing choices to reinforce his mental illness rather than confront it. What I am trying to say here is I don't think there are shoulds about being obligated to share the space of our children who are not doing for themselves what they could be doing. I no longer feel obligated to take on my son. I see both that I hurt him by doing this and I hurt myself. I see that part of me that needed to shield and protect and to carry him as a damaged part of myself, that I can and am healing. My son as he is now is very much not in my interests, in terms of my healing, my peace of mind, my spiritual growth and my actual physical and mental well-being. This is because of choices he makes. It has nothing to do with anything about me as a person or a mother. I don't think it is wrong to acknowledge this. I think there is a point where people need to stand on their own. And I don't think it's wrong to protect ourselves. Personally, I think it's the right thing to protect ourselves. Those of you who have been on this site for a long time recognize how much my outlook has changed. I am not angry with my son. I am no longer frustrated. I don't feel like his victim any longer. This shift has happened because I no longer am (as much) putting myself in a position where he can victimize me, transgress my boundaries, frustrate or anger me. As a consequence everything changed, for me. There was no conscious or deliberate choice to have no contact. I have had minimal phone/text contact. But the reality is every time I do, I feel bad and I feel sad. He can't summon up even a modicum of sustained responsibility or humanity or reciprocity vis a vis me. I don't know how he comports in other relationships, but that's not my business. When I do experience the reality of my son, it reaffirms my position that I am better off away from him. I feel a little bit sad, but not overcome. It's just real. I don't think I do anybody any favors hiding from reality. Paradoxically, I am better able to hang onto hope because my hope now is based upon facing the truth. My son, not I, is responsible for his life. [/QUOTE]
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