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At My Witt's End
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<blockquote data-quote="WiseChoices" data-source="post: 756950" data-attributes="member: 24254"><p>Maybe it's not black and white. Maybe there is a whole lot of grey. </p><p></p><p>I go through exactly the same thing. And I am learning that it's my fear of setting calm boundaries and my fear of peoples' reactions to my boundaries that is holding me back from being in the grey. I bring out the big guns because of my fear. I throw the baby out with the bath water so to speak .</p><p></p><p>I am learning -slowly- to find balance and navigate the -for me- difficult area of setting and maintaining loving and calm boundaries . Al-anon is helping me a great deal with this. </p><p></p><p>I think it is possible to see the grandkids, to celebrate Easter with them, but not give in to any demands of your daughter for money - if you feel strong enough to maintain that boundary and not cave. And should your daughter chose to react badly and display unacceptable behavior, to realize the feelings belong to her, and to set a boundary like telling her you will not be berated and will have to leave if it doesn't stop immediately. Following through and leaving every time if she does not stop. We teach people how we will allow to be treated. When daughter learns that Mom walks away every single time she acts unacceptably, she learns that that does not work. You have the ability to participate at the level you wish and set for yourself. You can say that discussions about money are no longer on the table , that you know she will feel better about herself if she provides for herself and her children and that you refuse to help because you don't want to. After that , NO is a complete sentence. I can also refuse to accept someone's learned helplessness. I can respond with statements of empowerment: how I know she can figure this out for herself, how she is stronger than she thinks, how I need to take care of myself while she takes care of herself so when we come together, we can celebrate life instead of argue. Your grown daughter asking you for money is a boundary issue. You are not a bank. Supplying her with money is a boundary issue . When you start to solve yours, she has a chance to solve hers. </p><p></p><p>Your son and his girlfriend have already shown you over years how they will treat you when they live in your home. And we can't change other people. You have made the decision to have them move and reclaim your own space for your sanctuary. Them being nice to you doesn't change the fact that living together does not work for you anymore. Enjoy the meal and the company, and then watch them pack their boxes and leave. Put the focus on what you need, what you want, and what you feel. This is the only power and control you have. I want my house to myself, I need my home to be my sanctuary, I feel better when I live alone. </p><p></p><p>You are not crazy. It's just that when things are bad, you put on your black glasses and see everything through the lense of fear. And when things feel good, you put on the pink glasses and see everything through the lense of love. Finding the middle ground is what's hard as I have trained myself over years to engage in black and white thinking. It's a cognitive distortion. </p><p></p><p>You will find your way with this. We are all capable of learning new things and finding our own way. And by modeling that, others may be inspired to do the same. You've got this, OW.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WiseChoices, post: 756950, member: 24254"] Maybe it's not black and white. Maybe there is a whole lot of grey. I go through exactly the same thing. And I am learning that it's my fear of setting calm boundaries and my fear of peoples' reactions to my boundaries that is holding me back from being in the grey. I bring out the big guns because of my fear. I throw the baby out with the bath water so to speak . I am learning -slowly- to find balance and navigate the -for me- difficult area of setting and maintaining loving and calm boundaries . Al-anon is helping me a great deal with this. I think it is possible to see the grandkids, to celebrate Easter with them, but not give in to any demands of your daughter for money - if you feel strong enough to maintain that boundary and not cave. And should your daughter chose to react badly and display unacceptable behavior, to realize the feelings belong to her, and to set a boundary like telling her you will not be berated and will have to leave if it doesn't stop immediately. Following through and leaving every time if she does not stop. We teach people how we will allow to be treated. When daughter learns that Mom walks away every single time she acts unacceptably, she learns that that does not work. You have the ability to participate at the level you wish and set for yourself. You can say that discussions about money are no longer on the table , that you know she will feel better about herself if she provides for herself and her children and that you refuse to help because you don't want to. After that , NO is a complete sentence. I can also refuse to accept someone's learned helplessness. I can respond with statements of empowerment: how I know she can figure this out for herself, how she is stronger than she thinks, how I need to take care of myself while she takes care of herself so when we come together, we can celebrate life instead of argue. Your grown daughter asking you for money is a boundary issue. You are not a bank. Supplying her with money is a boundary issue . When you start to solve yours, she has a chance to solve hers. Your son and his girlfriend have already shown you over years how they will treat you when they live in your home. And we can't change other people. You have made the decision to have them move and reclaim your own space for your sanctuary. Them being nice to you doesn't change the fact that living together does not work for you anymore. Enjoy the meal and the company, and then watch them pack their boxes and leave. Put the focus on what you need, what you want, and what you feel. This is the only power and control you have. I want my house to myself, I need my home to be my sanctuary, I feel better when I live alone. You are not crazy. It's just that when things are bad, you put on your black glasses and see everything through the lense of fear. And when things feel good, you put on the pink glasses and see everything through the lense of love. Finding the middle ground is what's hard as I have trained myself over years to engage in black and white thinking. It's a cognitive distortion. You will find your way with this. We are all capable of learning new things and finding our own way. And by modeling that, others may be inspired to do the same. You've got this, OW. [/QUOTE]
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