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At the end of my rope, ready to pop a vein in my forehead
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<blockquote data-quote="Farmwife" data-source="post: 338695" data-attributes="member: 8617"><p>Thanks Star. I always hated the voice of reason.<img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /></p><p> </p><p>I fell into the trap of hoping for a cure. Seems crazy now to say that knowing full well there isn't one. The doctor said he could maybe outgrow this after the hormones fade. I kept feeling like his difficult childhood was my fault (essentially it is because I made very bad choices) and that if he turned out messed up it was my doing.</p><p> </p><p>I also spent 4 long, lonely miserable years trying to help ex husband. I knew he would never be well but I kept thinking, if only the next medication helps, if only he could stop being paranoid and realize he needed help...</p><p> </p><p>I HATE mental illness and the way you lose someone you love one tiny piece over an agonizingly slow amount of time. Most of the time they are too angry and lost to care. It's the care givers who watch the slow death of the person you knew and the birth of a beast you don't recognize. To make it even more cruel you may sneak of glimpse of your loved one like a ghost, just long enough to recognize how much you miss them before they fade and the beast consumes them again. It's like they wake up scared and confused and you want so much to reach out and save them. Then in an instant they're gone and hate you again.</p><p> </p><p>My difficult child will be the second I have lost this way.</p><p> </p><p>The funniest or saddest thing about it is that I have survived worse, many times. I just miss the part where life was about living not just about surviving.</p><p> </p><p>Mostly right now I weep for my baby. 10 months old, sleep issues and pulled almost a bald patch in the back of her hair due to stress. Of all the most painful things in life is to have to choose between saving one child or another. Then after the horrifying decision is made and the guilt is overwhelming realizing that you can't make that choice afterall, there is no real help. I can't afford boarding school, end of story.</p><p> </p><p>difficult child is infant easy child's favorite person. They have the closest sibling bond I have ever seen. They are like magnets and only seem whole when together. It is because of that I know no matter what choice I make the baby will suffer. The choice is growing up seeing how men are from dysfunctional difficult child 15 yeaqrs her senior or losing (being abandoned) by the one person who she loves the deepest.</p><p> </p><p>I don't want to sacrifice easy child in the hopes difficult child may improve. I don't have that choice. Even if I did it would haunt me to my death bed. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I told DCFS where to put their services. My dad is mostly useless as he dumped plenty of dysfunction on me and works in the prison system. All he could suggest is agood parole officer...out of my home state.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>I just feel like a shadow of my former self. I'm not sure I will ever be the same after all of this. I miss the person I used to be before life stole my soul away. Maybe I'm depressed but can you blame me? I can't remeber the last time we were a happy family. Such a sad way for a baby to grow up.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Farmwife, post: 338695, member: 8617"] Thanks Star. I always hated the voice of reason.:happy: I fell into the trap of hoping for a cure. Seems crazy now to say that knowing full well there isn't one. The doctor said he could maybe outgrow this after the hormones fade. I kept feeling like his difficult childhood was my fault (essentially it is because I made very bad choices) and that if he turned out messed up it was my doing. I also spent 4 long, lonely miserable years trying to help ex husband. I knew he would never be well but I kept thinking, if only the next medication helps, if only he could stop being paranoid and realize he needed help... I HATE mental illness and the way you lose someone you love one tiny piece over an agonizingly slow amount of time. Most of the time they are too angry and lost to care. It's the care givers who watch the slow death of the person you knew and the birth of a beast you don't recognize. To make it even more cruel you may sneak of glimpse of your loved one like a ghost, just long enough to recognize how much you miss them before they fade and the beast consumes them again. It's like they wake up scared and confused and you want so much to reach out and save them. Then in an instant they're gone and hate you again. My difficult child will be the second I have lost this way. The funniest or saddest thing about it is that I have survived worse, many times. I just miss the part where life was about living not just about surviving. Mostly right now I weep for my baby. 10 months old, sleep issues and pulled almost a bald patch in the back of her hair due to stress. Of all the most painful things in life is to have to choose between saving one child or another. Then after the horrifying decision is made and the guilt is overwhelming realizing that you can't make that choice afterall, there is no real help. I can't afford boarding school, end of story. difficult child is infant easy child's favorite person. They have the closest sibling bond I have ever seen. They are like magnets and only seem whole when together. It is because of that I know no matter what choice I make the baby will suffer. The choice is growing up seeing how men are from dysfunctional difficult child 15 yeaqrs her senior or losing (being abandoned) by the one person who she loves the deepest. I don't want to sacrifice easy child in the hopes difficult child may improve. I don't have that choice. Even if I did it would haunt me to my death bed. I told DCFS where to put their services. My dad is mostly useless as he dumped plenty of dysfunction on me and works in the prison system. All he could suggest is agood parole officer...out of my home state. I just feel like a shadow of my former self. I'm not sure I will ever be the same after all of this. I miss the person I used to be before life stole my soul away. Maybe I'm depressed but can you blame me? I can't remeber the last time we were a happy family. Such a sad way for a baby to grow up. [/QUOTE]
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