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Parent Emeritus
at the end of my rope
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 736074" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Soccerdog, welcome. I'm so sorry you're struggling with your daughter's behaviors and choices. It's a difficult path when our kids go off the rails, no matter the age, no matter the reason......it's devastating for parents. </p><p></p><p>I have a daughter who has behaved in the fashion your daughter behaves...not substance abuse.... mental illness.....and as with your scenario, it was slowly stealing my very life force having to deal with the drama, trauma & manipulation.... I am close to your age......... and I wanted to have peace and joy in my life..... which meant I had to learn how to detach, set boundaries, re-learn self care and how to accept what I can't change. I made the choice to begin learning about detachment before I followed my daughter down the rabbit hole and didn't have the strength or the resolve to get myself back out.</p><p></p><p>I would encourage you to follow your gut. Get yourself in a supportive environment where you can be safe, get heard, learn options, vent, grieve, get your needs met, learn how to set boundaries and learn to prioritize your own needs and desires. When we've been at this a long time, as you have with 2 troubled adult kids, we become depleted, depressed, exhausted and hollowed out inside as a result of years of abandoning ourselves for our kids needs. It's time for you to have the life you've imagined you would have at 71 years old.</p><p></p><p>If you believe your daughter struggles with bi-polar or any mental or emotional issues, try giving NAMI (The National Alliance on Mental Illness) a call. They offer very good parent courses which may give you options, resources, support and information. You can access them online. You might try getting into a 12 step group such as Al Anon, Narc Anon or Families Anonymous. Many members here find solace in the 12 step groups. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. A good resource book is Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. If you want to check out therapists in your area google The Psychology Today website or goodtherapy.org. Both sites offer local therapists.</p><p></p><p>The issue we generally face is we wait for our kids to change. Generally, since we're enabling them, they don't have any incentive to change. WE have to do the heavy lifting of change. WE have to seek out support to learn how to take care of ourselves when our kids are off the rails. </p><p></p><p>Hang in there Soccerdog, this stuff is hard. Take care of you now. You matter, your needs and desires matter, your feelings matter. Find a supportive environment to assist you in making the changes necessary so that you can find your peace and joy. Continue posting here, it helps. You're not alone. We'll do our best to support you. I'm glad you found us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 736074, member: 13542"] Soccerdog, welcome. I'm so sorry you're struggling with your daughter's behaviors and choices. It's a difficult path when our kids go off the rails, no matter the age, no matter the reason......it's devastating for parents. I have a daughter who has behaved in the fashion your daughter behaves...not substance abuse.... mental illness.....and as with your scenario, it was slowly stealing my very life force having to deal with the drama, trauma & manipulation.... I am close to your age......... and I wanted to have peace and joy in my life..... which meant I had to learn how to detach, set boundaries, re-learn self care and how to accept what I can't change. I made the choice to begin learning about detachment before I followed my daughter down the rabbit hole and didn't have the strength or the resolve to get myself back out. I would encourage you to follow your gut. Get yourself in a supportive environment where you can be safe, get heard, learn options, vent, grieve, get your needs met, learn how to set boundaries and learn to prioritize your own needs and desires. When we've been at this a long time, as you have with 2 troubled adult kids, we become depleted, depressed, exhausted and hollowed out inside as a result of years of abandoning ourselves for our kids needs. It's time for you to have the life you've imagined you would have at 71 years old. If you believe your daughter struggles with bi-polar or any mental or emotional issues, try giving NAMI (The National Alliance on Mental Illness) a call. They offer very good parent courses which may give you options, resources, support and information. You can access them online. You might try getting into a 12 step group such as Al Anon, Narc Anon or Families Anonymous. Many members here find solace in the 12 step groups. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. A good resource book is Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. If you want to check out therapists in your area google The Psychology Today website or goodtherapy.org. Both sites offer local therapists. The issue we generally face is we wait for our kids to change. Generally, since we're enabling them, they don't have any incentive to change. WE have to do the heavy lifting of change. WE have to seek out support to learn how to take care of ourselves when our kids are off the rails. Hang in there Soccerdog, this stuff is hard. Take care of you now. You matter, your needs and desires matter, your feelings matter. Find a supportive environment to assist you in making the changes necessary so that you can find your peace and joy. Continue posting here, it helps. You're not alone. We'll do our best to support you. I'm glad you found us. [/QUOTE]
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