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At what point.....
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<blockquote data-quote="Woofens" data-source="post: 201163" data-attributes="member: 4425"><p>Thanks again to everyone here... just knowing I'm not alone is so very helpful. I'm not sure why we were so quickly accepted in to see the psychiatrist, unless the pediatrician had something to do with it, or the fact that I was sobbing almost hysterically during the phone call to his office. Every phone call I made today I cried through. The counselor, the pediatrician, the school, I went through an entire box of tissues. Not to mention the conversation with my mother (which went much better than expected) and Moonwolf and her SO. (Moonwolf is my daughter in my heart and a daily caregiver to my difficult child and now a member here). Does admitting that you need help always hurt this much? I'm not even sure why I'm crying but every time I start to talk about it (or even type here) I'm in tears. </p><p></p><p>I told my mom today that one of the biggest problems I'm having accepting that something is not right with difficult child is that he was the first of my 4 bio kids that I actually felt like I was "ready" for. He was the only one of my kids that was planned, I was 29 when he was born, and had finally grown up. (I wasn't so much a difficult child as a kid, but as a young adult OMG LOL I was a wreck and my first difficult child D was born when I was barely 18.) When difficult child J was born I felt for the first time in my life that I was ready to be a good parent. I knew I had made mistakes with the older kids, and was convinced that with difficult child J I was finally going to "do it right". So I guess that is possibly what is causing the crying.... coming to terms with the realization that he isn't the child I thought I'd have. I went through the same thing with easy child 1 T when she was first diagnosed as MRDD. I don't remember it being this severe though. I had a very hard time with easy child 1 T with wanting to blame myself for her problems, I had done something... I made myself sick wondering if it was because I had worked full time when she was a baby (night shift) and didn't spend the time with her she needed... what I could have done differently during pregnancy, and during her infantry. She had problems from before birth.. and I wondered if the medications I took to prevent pre-term labor had contributed.. etc etc. It took me a long time but I got past that... I realized if I hadn't taken the medications, she probably would have been born premature and that would have been an entirely different set of problems. Thing like that...</p><p></p><p>With difficult child J I know that I didn't cause this, that I haven't done anything to cause this and I am trying (successfully for the most part) not to blame myself, and my experiences with easy child 1 T have helped so much. I am going to make an appointment with my doctor this week to explain this all to him and see if I possibly need to go back on my anti-depressants. Possibly something for my nerves also. I know that I am at risk for needing medications for depression, I have suffered from chronic depression most of my life. I've been off medications for over 2 years, but know myself well enough to know that its time to see the DR. When we had our intake for the county Behavioral Health to get difficult child J in to see a counselor, they asked me for a goal for his time with them. I told them that I wanted to get through the day with difficult child without crying. I have cried more in the past 3 days than I did in the 6 months before we went to the intake.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry I'm rambling. Its just such a relief to be able to talk to people that understand I tend to run off at the mouth.</p><p></p><p>Hugs,</p><p>Jan</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Woofens, post: 201163, member: 4425"] Thanks again to everyone here... just knowing I'm not alone is so very helpful. I'm not sure why we were so quickly accepted in to see the psychiatrist, unless the pediatrician had something to do with it, or the fact that I was sobbing almost hysterically during the phone call to his office. Every phone call I made today I cried through. The counselor, the pediatrician, the school, I went through an entire box of tissues. Not to mention the conversation with my mother (which went much better than expected) and Moonwolf and her SO. (Moonwolf is my daughter in my heart and a daily caregiver to my difficult child and now a member here). Does admitting that you need help always hurt this much? I'm not even sure why I'm crying but every time I start to talk about it (or even type here) I'm in tears. I told my mom today that one of the biggest problems I'm having accepting that something is not right with difficult child is that he was the first of my 4 bio kids that I actually felt like I was "ready" for. He was the only one of my kids that was planned, I was 29 when he was born, and had finally grown up. (I wasn't so much a difficult child as a kid, but as a young adult OMG LOL I was a wreck and my first difficult child D was born when I was barely 18.) When difficult child J was born I felt for the first time in my life that I was ready to be a good parent. I knew I had made mistakes with the older kids, and was convinced that with difficult child J I was finally going to "do it right". So I guess that is possibly what is causing the crying.... coming to terms with the realization that he isn't the child I thought I'd have. I went through the same thing with easy child 1 T when she was first diagnosed as MRDD. I don't remember it being this severe though. I had a very hard time with easy child 1 T with wanting to blame myself for her problems, I had done something... I made myself sick wondering if it was because I had worked full time when she was a baby (night shift) and didn't spend the time with her she needed... what I could have done differently during pregnancy, and during her infantry. She had problems from before birth.. and I wondered if the medications I took to prevent pre-term labor had contributed.. etc etc. It took me a long time but I got past that... I realized if I hadn't taken the medications, she probably would have been born premature and that would have been an entirely different set of problems. Thing like that... With difficult child J I know that I didn't cause this, that I haven't done anything to cause this and I am trying (successfully for the most part) not to blame myself, and my experiences with easy child 1 T have helped so much. I am going to make an appointment with my doctor this week to explain this all to him and see if I possibly need to go back on my anti-depressants. Possibly something for my nerves also. I know that I am at risk for needing medications for depression, I have suffered from chronic depression most of my life. I've been off medications for over 2 years, but know myself well enough to know that its time to see the DR. When we had our intake for the county Behavioral Health to get difficult child J in to see a counselor, they asked me for a goal for his time with them. I told them that I wanted to get through the day with difficult child without crying. I have cried more in the past 3 days than I did in the 6 months before we went to the intake. I'm sorry I'm rambling. Its just such a relief to be able to talk to people that understand I tend to run off at the mouth. Hugs, Jan [/QUOTE]
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