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At wits end...what are my options?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 726458" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am so very sorry that you are dealing with all of this. I know it must seem very hopeless. I really wish I could give you a great solution to help you manage this.</p><p></p><p>Have you ever filed charges on her for stealing from you or being violent to you or damaging your property? When she does have these strangers come to have sex with her, if they are adult men, did you ever have the police involved with her? To help her see that the consequences could be very dangerous to her?</p><p></p><p>One way to get some resources for help is to get the cops involved. I don't know that it will really accomplish anything long term though. It will make her very angry at you and it will strain your relationship. It may even damage it permanently. That is something you have to think about. I am pretty sure I would take that risk if my child was putting himself or herself in such hugely dangerous situations, but I am a nut for safety issues. </p><p></p><p>Something you can do is to go to your County Courthouse and speak to the Court Clerk to ask about a CHINS petition. This is a CHild In Need of Supervision. It means your child needs a probation officer and would the county assign one. You could also try to get her into one of those "Scared Straight" type of programs where they visit the jail. I don't know if you feel that would be appropriate. </p><p></p><p>Have you thought about the dangers to yourself if she is bringing strangers into your home? You may want to speak to the police to see what your legal options are if you encounter a stranger in your home having sex with your daughter. What if he is aggressive? How will you know if she invited him or not? What can you do to make him leave? What are her rights and what are yours? I would do this when she is NOT at home. </p><p></p><p>Why not make her go live with her father? I personally would feel very unsafe if my child was bringing strangers home, especially random people she met online for sex. I would not be able to live with her if she could not stop doing that. I just personally would not be able to handle it. It might upset my child, and maybe my ex, but my child would have to go live with my ex where he could deal with the random strangers. It would be FAR safer, and maybe he would see that she truly does have problems that require him to give the supervision that you asked him to provide.</p><p></p><p>I did manage to find a placement in a Boy's Home for my son that would be at no charge to us. It was one of the best places for troubled boys in my state. We wound up making another choice, but I will tell you how I got the placement and the scholarship (it was for 4 years, all of high school). It started with my son being very violent and not being able to live at home any longer. I had to have the cops remove him because he was fixated on killing his little sister, and beating me to death because I was the obstacle between them. He was 14, but bigger and stronger than I was. He just wasn't meaner yet. Even the cops were afraid that one of us was going to end up dead very soon. </p><p></p><p>I got a notebook and wrote down the name of a couple of people who might know the names of programs that would take my son. 2 were priests/reverends at our churches, 2 were counselors that I knew either through school or that we had seen for therapy. I called them and told them very briefly why I needed a placement for Wiz (my son). When they didn't have a name, I asked if they knew anyone who might know of a placement. I wrote those names down. </p><p></p><p>If I teared up when I told our story, I tried to be composed but to let the emotion show in my voice. I didn't hide the fact that I was terrified that I might end up with a destroyed family. I was desperate and let it show. I kept track of each place that I called, the person that I spoke to or wanted to speak to, the time I called, if I left a message, and if I needed to call back. I always asked if they knew of anyone who might know of a placement. </p><p></p><p>I spent 2 days making these phone calls and filled a 1 subject notebook. I ended up with a bed in a home that is incredibly hard to get. We would have had to participate in the program and do some volunteer things that they ask all parents to do (if the boys have parents), but that was the only cost to us. </p><p></p><p>I will say that the next couple of years are going to be very hard on you. I would strongly suggest reading "Parenting Teens With Love & Logic" and other Love and Logic books. They might help you give her some logical consequences for her actions. This probably won't change her actions much, but it will help prepare her for the real world where there WILL be consequences for what she does. </p><p></p><p>Birth control should be one thing that you make a top priority for her. Preferably a method that she does NOT have to think about every day. The shot that lasts for months, or an IUD or the implant that lasts several years if she can tolerate it. Something that will take care of the issue so that you don't end up with an infant to raise also. She is nowhere near ready to handle an infant. Many parents with difficult daughters have gone so far as to pay or bribe their daughters to have long term birth control. If this is something you can afford, and are willing to do, and she is resistant to birth control, I would strongly suggest this. Sadly, even at age 16, if she decides she wants a baby, she can choose to get pregnant and keep the baby. Guess who gets to pay for it? Mom and Dad do!!!!! Or should I call them Grandma and Grandpa! </p><p></p><p>I am glad you found us. It is a shame that I couldn't give you more positive information about finding a residential placement. Others will come along soon with more information and advice.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 726458, member: 1233"] I am so very sorry that you are dealing with all of this. I know it must seem very hopeless. I really wish I could give you a great solution to help you manage this. Have you ever filed charges on her for stealing from you or being violent to you or damaging your property? When she does have these strangers come to have sex with her, if they are adult men, did you ever have the police involved with her? To help her see that the consequences could be very dangerous to her? One way to get some resources for help is to get the cops involved. I don't know that it will really accomplish anything long term though. It will make her very angry at you and it will strain your relationship. It may even damage it permanently. That is something you have to think about. I am pretty sure I would take that risk if my child was putting himself or herself in such hugely dangerous situations, but I am a nut for safety issues. Something you can do is to go to your County Courthouse and speak to the Court Clerk to ask about a CHINS petition. This is a CHild In Need of Supervision. It means your child needs a probation officer and would the county assign one. You could also try to get her into one of those "Scared Straight" type of programs where they visit the jail. I don't know if you feel that would be appropriate. Have you thought about the dangers to yourself if she is bringing strangers into your home? You may want to speak to the police to see what your legal options are if you encounter a stranger in your home having sex with your daughter. What if he is aggressive? How will you know if she invited him or not? What can you do to make him leave? What are her rights and what are yours? I would do this when she is NOT at home. Why not make her go live with her father? I personally would feel very unsafe if my child was bringing strangers home, especially random people she met online for sex. I would not be able to live with her if she could not stop doing that. I just personally would not be able to handle it. It might upset my child, and maybe my ex, but my child would have to go live with my ex where he could deal with the random strangers. It would be FAR safer, and maybe he would see that she truly does have problems that require him to give the supervision that you asked him to provide. I did manage to find a placement in a Boy's Home for my son that would be at no charge to us. It was one of the best places for troubled boys in my state. We wound up making another choice, but I will tell you how I got the placement and the scholarship (it was for 4 years, all of high school). It started with my son being very violent and not being able to live at home any longer. I had to have the cops remove him because he was fixated on killing his little sister, and beating me to death because I was the obstacle between them. He was 14, but bigger and stronger than I was. He just wasn't meaner yet. Even the cops were afraid that one of us was going to end up dead very soon. I got a notebook and wrote down the name of a couple of people who might know the names of programs that would take my son. 2 were priests/reverends at our churches, 2 were counselors that I knew either through school or that we had seen for therapy. I called them and told them very briefly why I needed a placement for Wiz (my son). When they didn't have a name, I asked if they knew anyone who might know of a placement. I wrote those names down. If I teared up when I told our story, I tried to be composed but to let the emotion show in my voice. I didn't hide the fact that I was terrified that I might end up with a destroyed family. I was desperate and let it show. I kept track of each place that I called, the person that I spoke to or wanted to speak to, the time I called, if I left a message, and if I needed to call back. I always asked if they knew of anyone who might know of a placement. I spent 2 days making these phone calls and filled a 1 subject notebook. I ended up with a bed in a home that is incredibly hard to get. We would have had to participate in the program and do some volunteer things that they ask all parents to do (if the boys have parents), but that was the only cost to us. I will say that the next couple of years are going to be very hard on you. I would strongly suggest reading "Parenting Teens With Love & Logic" and other Love and Logic books. They might help you give her some logical consequences for her actions. This probably won't change her actions much, but it will help prepare her for the real world where there WILL be consequences for what she does. Birth control should be one thing that you make a top priority for her. Preferably a method that she does NOT have to think about every day. The shot that lasts for months, or an IUD or the implant that lasts several years if she can tolerate it. Something that will take care of the issue so that you don't end up with an infant to raise also. She is nowhere near ready to handle an infant. Many parents with difficult daughters have gone so far as to pay or bribe their daughters to have long term birth control. If this is something you can afford, and are willing to do, and she is resistant to birth control, I would strongly suggest this. Sadly, even at age 16, if she decides she wants a baby, she can choose to get pregnant and keep the baby. Guess who gets to pay for it? Mom and Dad do!!!!! Or should I call them Grandma and Grandpa! I am glad you found us. It is a shame that I couldn't give you more positive information about finding a residential placement. Others will come along soon with more information and advice. [/QUOTE]
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