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Attention Seeking.....Cutting
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<blockquote data-quote="DammitJanet" data-source="post: 9322" data-attributes="member: 1514"><p>WARNING: There are swear words in here, very strong emotions, and some descriptions of physical and emotional abuse. Please take this into consideration before reading. The writers of these words retain the copyright: they may not be used elsewhere.</p><p></p><p>An Interview with Someone Who Self Mutilates</p><p></p><p>2ND WARNING: This is a very graphic description of self-mutilation. Please consider not reading it if you are someone who does self-mutilate, as it could trigger unwanted feelings. We are placing it on this site to help those who do not cut understand why some people do cut themselves. (This is only a portion of the interview -- the rest hasn't been transcribed). The interview is with a woman in her 20s who is now doing much better, thanks to medication she is taking.</p><p></p><p>Q. What thoughts are going through your head before the mutilation, during the mutilation, after, how does it make you feel and what specifically what are you doing?</p><p></p><p>A. It's just despair, absolute despair, hopelessness, anger and rage, that I am unable to cope or express the rage, kind of a mute kind of rage, helpless rage, and a need to express the horror and the blackness inside, and I'm unable to express it or say it or show it so the only way to do that is to mark up my body, and so I don't have to say it. I can say, "look, this is how I'm feeling, and I'm being very logical about this, but it's just a need, it's an addiction." I carry around sharp objects just in case, sleep with knives under my pillow. I kind of disappear in a way, where I'm functioning, and I'm talking, and I'm driving, or here, but my mind is gone somewhere, and so, during the act, it's just this rage and acting out, and wanting to bleed, wanting to see, if I just scratch it, that's not enough, it has to bleed. The desire to see blood, to show blood, sometimes is uncontrollable, to where I can't stop. And then, afterwards, kind of a peacefulness or having been expressed, and then very logical and calm, kind of. But then remorse and anger at myself for doing that, that I said that I wouldn't do that anymore and I did, I couldn't help it.</p><p></p><p>Q. What triggers cutting?</p><p></p><p>A. It was triggered even by traffic, today, it's just the anger and frustration of being in a place where I don't want to be. Or helplessness really triggers it, anger, where I've made mistakes, it's kind of my fault, and then there's something else I deal with also, is that I search for attention. I think that's part of the reason that I do it, so I struggle with that, I'm like, God, I think that part of it's reinforced because I get attention, and the shock and the reaction that I get from people, and people don't know how to deal with it, and that's satisfying to me somehow. So then I won't tell people, just because I think that's just doubly sick, if I'm doing this just for attention, and I don't know why I do it, and I've done it ever since I was about 7 or 8, some kind of self-mutilation, always hurting myself.</p><p></p><p>One time I was in the hospital, I wanted to get out of there very badly. I was so angry at being there, because they wouldn't let me go, and the doctor said, "well, I will come see you today before the day is through, and hopefully, if you are a good girl or whatever we'll let you out." Well, she didn't come and she didn't come, and then I was afraid, I said well she said she'd be here, and she didn't come, and I was so angry, so I found a paper clip that had come off of the food trays from the menus at the hospital, and I cut up my arm until it was bleeding, and then she walked in, and she saw that, and so that's why I had to stay in the hospital, so it's when a promise is broken, when I'm ... let's see, another specific example, supposed to show up at work at a certain time and getting into a minor accident, and my boss yelled at me because I didn't let him know.</p><p></p><p>Q. You got into the minor accident, and so you came in late?</p><p></p><p>A. Yes, and I had called, I had called and said, I'm in this, you know, and he didn't get the message. So when I finally did talk to him, he screamed at me, but I had done what I was supposed to do, and so I was misunderstood.</p><p></p><p>Q. What happened?</p><p></p><p>A. That was a particularly bad incident, I had taken, what was it, I think it was scissors and just gouged my arm on the top and I have scars all over my arm. Another thing that triggers it is abandonment. There was this person I was interested in, this man, and he was going to India for two years, and just the thought of him leaving me . . .I couldn't deal with it, and that's when I cut up my leg very severely, because he was going to be leaving. I was very conscious of what I'm doing, and I plan it in advance, it's like, OK, well I'm going to do this tonight, and there was about 50, some of them probably needed stitches.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DammitJanet, post: 9322, member: 1514"] WARNING: There are swear words in here, very strong emotions, and some descriptions of physical and emotional abuse. Please take this into consideration before reading. The writers of these words retain the copyright: they may not be used elsewhere. An Interview with Someone Who Self Mutilates 2ND WARNING: This is a very graphic description of self-mutilation. Please consider not reading it if you are someone who does self-mutilate, as it could trigger unwanted feelings. We are placing it on this site to help those who do not cut understand why some people do cut themselves. (This is only a portion of the interview -- the rest hasn't been transcribed). The interview is with a woman in her 20s who is now doing much better, thanks to medication she is taking. Q. What thoughts are going through your head before the mutilation, during the mutilation, after, how does it make you feel and what specifically what are you doing? A. It's just despair, absolute despair, hopelessness, anger and rage, that I am unable to cope or express the rage, kind of a mute kind of rage, helpless rage, and a need to express the horror and the blackness inside, and I'm unable to express it or say it or show it so the only way to do that is to mark up my body, and so I don't have to say it. I can say, "look, this is how I'm feeling, and I'm being very logical about this, but it's just a need, it's an addiction." I carry around sharp objects just in case, sleep with knives under my pillow. I kind of disappear in a way, where I'm functioning, and I'm talking, and I'm driving, or here, but my mind is gone somewhere, and so, during the act, it's just this rage and acting out, and wanting to bleed, wanting to see, if I just scratch it, that's not enough, it has to bleed. The desire to see blood, to show blood, sometimes is uncontrollable, to where I can't stop. And then, afterwards, kind of a peacefulness or having been expressed, and then very logical and calm, kind of. But then remorse and anger at myself for doing that, that I said that I wouldn't do that anymore and I did, I couldn't help it. Q. What triggers cutting? A. It was triggered even by traffic, today, it's just the anger and frustration of being in a place where I don't want to be. Or helplessness really triggers it, anger, where I've made mistakes, it's kind of my fault, and then there's something else I deal with also, is that I search for attention. I think that's part of the reason that I do it, so I struggle with that, I'm like, God, I think that part of it's reinforced because I get attention, and the shock and the reaction that I get from people, and people don't know how to deal with it, and that's satisfying to me somehow. So then I won't tell people, just because I think that's just doubly sick, if I'm doing this just for attention, and I don't know why I do it, and I've done it ever since I was about 7 or 8, some kind of self-mutilation, always hurting myself. One time I was in the hospital, I wanted to get out of there very badly. I was so angry at being there, because they wouldn't let me go, and the doctor said, "well, I will come see you today before the day is through, and hopefully, if you are a good girl or whatever we'll let you out." Well, she didn't come and she didn't come, and then I was afraid, I said well she said she'd be here, and she didn't come, and I was so angry, so I found a paper clip that had come off of the food trays from the menus at the hospital, and I cut up my arm until it was bleeding, and then she walked in, and she saw that, and so that's why I had to stay in the hospital, so it's when a promise is broken, when I'm ... let's see, another specific example, supposed to show up at work at a certain time and getting into a minor accident, and my boss yelled at me because I didn't let him know. Q. You got into the minor accident, and so you came in late? A. Yes, and I had called, I had called and said, I'm in this, you know, and he didn't get the message. So when I finally did talk to him, he screamed at me, but I had done what I was supposed to do, and so I was misunderstood. Q. What happened? A. That was a particularly bad incident, I had taken, what was it, I think it was scissors and just gouged my arm on the top and I have scars all over my arm. Another thing that triggers it is abandonment. There was this person I was interested in, this man, and he was going to India for two years, and just the thought of him leaving me . . .I couldn't deal with it, and that's when I cut up my leg very severely, because he was going to be leaving. I was very conscious of what I'm doing, and I plan it in advance, it's like, OK, well I'm going to do this tonight, and there was about 50, some of them probably needed stitches. [/QUOTE]
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