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<blockquote data-quote="elizabrary" data-source="post: 744781" data-attributes="member: 11235"><p>Learn about boundaries and enabling. It took me a long time to understand and enforce boundaries with my daughter, but once I got it my life changed for the better. I keep in mind that enabling is doing something for an adult that they are capable of doing for themselves. Notice the important word- CAPABLE. They may have to struggled to do it or they may not want to do it themselves, but if they are capable, they should be doing it themselves. The adult children we are all dealing with on here are adults who act like children. When they don't have to face the repercussions of their actions they are never forced to mature and learn how to be healthy, happy adults. We also stay sick when we focus on our adult kids, rather than ourselves. We can love our troubled children without enabling them. We can love them while we watch them struggle and sometimes fail. As I tell my daughter- I will do nothing that helps keep you sick and I will do anything that helps you get healthy. </p><p></p><p>I would also mention that when you begin enforcing boundaries with your son (and sticking to them) he will likely up the ante. These kids have been able to manipulate and push us around to get their way for years. It is unbelievable to them when we create and enforce boundaries. And boy do they ever react. When I stopped allowing my daughter to disrespect me in any way she lost her sh*t. Any time she became disrespectful on the phone I would hang up and not answer again for however long I needed to be away from her- usually a day or two. At first she would lose it and call repeatedly, leaving screaming messages. She would call like 20 times until I just turned off the phone. It took several months for her to really get it. Now she rarely does it and if I hang up if she does, she just lets it go. She knows I won't engage when she's rude or mean to me. Hang in there, I know how hard this is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="elizabrary, post: 744781, member: 11235"] Learn about boundaries and enabling. It took me a long time to understand and enforce boundaries with my daughter, but once I got it my life changed for the better. I keep in mind that enabling is doing something for an adult that they are capable of doing for themselves. Notice the important word- CAPABLE. They may have to struggled to do it or they may not want to do it themselves, but if they are capable, they should be doing it themselves. The adult children we are all dealing with on here are adults who act like children. When they don't have to face the repercussions of their actions they are never forced to mature and learn how to be healthy, happy adults. We also stay sick when we focus on our adult kids, rather than ourselves. We can love our troubled children without enabling them. We can love them while we watch them struggle and sometimes fail. As I tell my daughter- I will do nothing that helps keep you sick and I will do anything that helps you get healthy. I would also mention that when you begin enforcing boundaries with your son (and sticking to them) he will likely up the ante. These kids have been able to manipulate and push us around to get their way for years. It is unbelievable to them when we create and enforce boundaries. And boy do they ever react. When I stopped allowing my daughter to disrespect me in any way she lost her sh*t. Any time she became disrespectful on the phone I would hang up and not answer again for however long I needed to be away from her- usually a day or two. At first she would lose it and call repeatedly, leaving screaming messages. She would call like 20 times until I just turned off the phone. It took several months for her to really get it. Now she rarely does it and if I hang up if she does, she just lets it go. She knows I won't engage when she's rude or mean to me. Hang in there, I know how hard this is. [/QUOTE]
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