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Beating Myself Up in My Dreams ~ Good Lord What's Next?
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<blockquote data-quote="rejectedmom" data-source="post: 575287" data-attributes="member: 2315"><p>Barbara I wonder if there is something in the air because I am dreaming too. Not about self condemnation though but about my troubled childhood and young adult years. </p><p></p><p>I have been fighting bitterness for having my my life decided by others rather than being able to choose the life I really wanted. consequently, I'm looking back trying to figure out what to do for the next 20 or so years of my life that will be about me and make me happy and content. The bitterness comes from feelings of resentment and frustration about the way I was treated as a kid. My father was a tyrant. He was an alcholic and abusive. I was his target child and took the brunt of the abuse.</p><p></p><p>He put so many restrictions and barriers in my way I ended up making a jailbreak marrage at 20. The first baby came two years later. Then husband decided to continue his education earned his PHd and got a job that required him to travel constantly. Kids, house, and yardwork, everything all fell on me. husband was gone 6or more days a week and on call 24/7. He often didn't even call home for days. With all the responsibility and no family close by (husband made sure of that) I never got to go to college untill I was 45. </p><p></p><p> So anyway I have been thinking about my future by examining my past. I remember feeling so unloved, unappreciated and stiffeled. I was also physically abused by my father. I never really knew why I was so disliked by him and why they so obviously played favorites. I'm reading alot now and understanding more about why parents might target one child out of many. It doesn't make it right or make the hurt go away but it does tell me that it wasn't me it was them. They are both dead now so it is something I have to work through on my own. My mother did admit that my father was hard on me. She said if I would have cried when he beat me it would have stopped. That doesn't sit well with me because I distinctly remember him slapping me hard across the face and then telling me to stop my sniviling. But maybe because I remember that my youngest sister would scream and run to her room before he even touched her and she wouldn't get hit. But I am off on a tangent and that isn't what I wanted to do so back to topic...</p><p></p><p>As a kid and an young teen I had lots of dreams of flying. I learned in Psyc 101 that they are usually casued by really poor self esteem. I havent had one in eons but I do remember them and that I loved those dreams. I felt so special and strong and free in them. I would always push off while running and I would soar up over the neighborhood looking down on everyone, and the tree tops, and roofs of the houses. Or I would float up to the ceilingin the house and look down on my siblings. Some times I would teach them how to do it too. </p><p></p><p>Well last night I had one of those flying dreams. It was a little different than the ones from when I was a kid. In those I always tried to hide my flying powers from my parents In the one last night, the first thing I did was go and get my parents to show them (I was about 8-9 in the dream). Of course they tried to tell me to go away and not bother them but I just pushed myself up off the floor and flew all around my father's head while gloating at him. When I woke up I said: "Well sure Dad, that would have been the only way I could have earned your approval back then". LOL So yes my thoughts have manifested in my dreams lately but just not in a very negative way. Hoping your dreams tonight are happier ones. -RM</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rejectedmom, post: 575287, member: 2315"] Barbara I wonder if there is something in the air because I am dreaming too. Not about self condemnation though but about my troubled childhood and young adult years. I have been fighting bitterness for having my my life decided by others rather than being able to choose the life I really wanted. consequently, I'm looking back trying to figure out what to do for the next 20 or so years of my life that will be about me and make me happy and content. The bitterness comes from feelings of resentment and frustration about the way I was treated as a kid. My father was a tyrant. He was an alcholic and abusive. I was his target child and took the brunt of the abuse. He put so many restrictions and barriers in my way I ended up making a jailbreak marrage at 20. The first baby came two years later. Then husband decided to continue his education earned his PHd and got a job that required him to travel constantly. Kids, house, and yardwork, everything all fell on me. husband was gone 6or more days a week and on call 24/7. He often didn't even call home for days. With all the responsibility and no family close by (husband made sure of that) I never got to go to college untill I was 45. So anyway I have been thinking about my future by examining my past. I remember feeling so unloved, unappreciated and stiffeled. I was also physically abused by my father. I never really knew why I was so disliked by him and why they so obviously played favorites. I'm reading alot now and understanding more about why parents might target one child out of many. It doesn't make it right or make the hurt go away but it does tell me that it wasn't me it was them. They are both dead now so it is something I have to work through on my own. My mother did admit that my father was hard on me. She said if I would have cried when he beat me it would have stopped. That doesn't sit well with me because I distinctly remember him slapping me hard across the face and then telling me to stop my sniviling. But maybe because I remember that my youngest sister would scream and run to her room before he even touched her and she wouldn't get hit. But I am off on a tangent and that isn't what I wanted to do so back to topic... As a kid and an young teen I had lots of dreams of flying. I learned in Psyc 101 that they are usually casued by really poor self esteem. I havent had one in eons but I do remember them and that I loved those dreams. I felt so special and strong and free in them. I would always push off while running and I would soar up over the neighborhood looking down on everyone, and the tree tops, and roofs of the houses. Or I would float up to the ceilingin the house and look down on my siblings. Some times I would teach them how to do it too. Well last night I had one of those flying dreams. It was a little different than the ones from when I was a kid. In those I always tried to hide my flying powers from my parents In the one last night, the first thing I did was go and get my parents to show them (I was about 8-9 in the dream). Of course they tried to tell me to go away and not bother them but I just pushed myself up off the floor and flew all around my father's head while gloating at him. When I woke up I said: "Well sure Dad, that would have been the only way I could have earned your approval back then". LOL So yes my thoughts have manifested in my dreams lately but just not in a very negative way. Hoping your dreams tonight are happier ones. -RM [/QUOTE]
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