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Been a long time...difficult child still breaks my heart
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 627190" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Ah, this is so true. We are taught by nature, culture and custom---what a good person is, what a good mommy is---to attach. To help. To nurture. To support. To connect. We are taught this is what love is. And we grasp it all instinctively. </p><p></p><p>And for most people for most of the time, this is true and this is the best part of life, the real meaning of life---love. I still believe that today---there is no greater purpose in life. </p><p></p><p>As mothers, we are especially good at it. We take care of our children from the day they are born. Every breath they take is dependent on us. And they are supposed to launch and fly and go to college and do better than we have done and come back for visits and phone calls and bring us joy and grandchildren and sit around the table at Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. </p><p></p><p>That is what we all thought would happen. Until it didn't. And then they were and are adults. People told us they were late to mature and we needed to be patient and they would eventually grow up, until the years kept going by and we kept on doing what we did all their lives, and nothing changed. In fact, things got worse because addiction is a progressive disease. It doesn't even stay at the same level of horror it is at today. It WILL and DOES continue to get worse and worse without arrest until the person finally dies of it. It is a fatal disease without treatment. </p><p></p><p>All of the things we hoped for started turning to dust. And I believe we basically have two paths, two choices. We can continue being their mommies until we are spent, depleted and without any resources ourselves. They will take it all from us. Two people will go down, not just one. And we will have handed them the gun that hurries this disease to its final, fatal conclusion. </p><p></p><p>Or we can learn a new way. It has to be for us, not for them. Because even though we walk this new path, they may continue walking their old path. This new path will take work and faith and commitment and patience and strength and time. We will take two steps forward and one step back. I have cycled through the stages of grief so many times I can't even count them. </p><p></p><p>As my son has gone down and down and down and things have happened that I could never have imagined, things that I've never even read about in books or newspapers or magazines, things I was never ever prepared for. I have had to adjust and my naive eyes have been opened wide. </p><p></p><p>I have chosen the new path. Today, I finally care as much about myself as I do my son. That was not the case until more recently, within the past year. I still, no matter what, put him in front of me until about a year ago. I have been working my program of recovery seriously for about three years. So until about a year ago, I was going through the motions because I still believed he is more important than I am. I still backslid a lot. I was anxious and upset and consumed with him. He was still more important than I was. His wants, his needs always came first, no matter how outrageous they were. I kept thinking, this time, this time. This is the corner he has to turn. Then he will do what he is supposed to do. Then things will be okay. </p><p></p><p>I could not see reality. I could not see that truly, I had been dancing the same dance with him since he was 13. The stakes were much lower back then, as he did not break the law (and get caught) until he was 21. But the patterns were set way back then and who even knows what he was doing, flying under the radar, from junior high on. </p><p></p><p>He is a master manipulator and a consummate liar. He is a victim. Everybody has it out for him. Even the teachers in junior high had it out for him. When he does something wrong, it is never his fault. He is always innocent. He is a user. He is a taker. He is a drug addict, with everything---the habits, the faulty thinking and the behavior---that comes with being a drug addict. </p><p></p><p>I think my son has a lot of anxiety and depression. I don't know if it is related to his addiction or if it came before his addiction. I don't know and nobody will know unless and until he stops using. Then he can be evaluated for other mental illnesses. </p><p></p><p>I believe that this path gives me the only chance I have. I also believe this path gives my son a chance, but it is up to him to take it. I love him very much and my constant prayer is that he chooses recovery.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 627190, member: 17542"] Ah, this is so true. We are taught by nature, culture and custom---what a good person is, what a good mommy is---to attach. To help. To nurture. To support. To connect. We are taught this is what love is. And we grasp it all instinctively. And for most people for most of the time, this is true and this is the best part of life, the real meaning of life---love. I still believe that today---there is no greater purpose in life. As mothers, we are especially good at it. We take care of our children from the day they are born. Every breath they take is dependent on us. And they are supposed to launch and fly and go to college and do better than we have done and come back for visits and phone calls and bring us joy and grandchildren and sit around the table at Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. That is what we all thought would happen. Until it didn't. And then they were and are adults. People told us they were late to mature and we needed to be patient and they would eventually grow up, until the years kept going by and we kept on doing what we did all their lives, and nothing changed. In fact, things got worse because addiction is a progressive disease. It doesn't even stay at the same level of horror it is at today. It WILL and DOES continue to get worse and worse without arrest until the person finally dies of it. It is a fatal disease without treatment. All of the things we hoped for started turning to dust. And I believe we basically have two paths, two choices. We can continue being their mommies until we are spent, depleted and without any resources ourselves. They will take it all from us. Two people will go down, not just one. And we will have handed them the gun that hurries this disease to its final, fatal conclusion. Or we can learn a new way. It has to be for us, not for them. Because even though we walk this new path, they may continue walking their old path. This new path will take work and faith and commitment and patience and strength and time. We will take two steps forward and one step back. I have cycled through the stages of grief so many times I can't even count them. As my son has gone down and down and down and things have happened that I could never have imagined, things that I've never even read about in books or newspapers or magazines, things I was never ever prepared for. I have had to adjust and my naive eyes have been opened wide. I have chosen the new path. Today, I finally care as much about myself as I do my son. That was not the case until more recently, within the past year. I still, no matter what, put him in front of me until about a year ago. I have been working my program of recovery seriously for about three years. So until about a year ago, I was going through the motions because I still believed he is more important than I am. I still backslid a lot. I was anxious and upset and consumed with him. He was still more important than I was. His wants, his needs always came first, no matter how outrageous they were. I kept thinking, this time, this time. This is the corner he has to turn. Then he will do what he is supposed to do. Then things will be okay. I could not see reality. I could not see that truly, I had been dancing the same dance with him since he was 13. The stakes were much lower back then, as he did not break the law (and get caught) until he was 21. But the patterns were set way back then and who even knows what he was doing, flying under the radar, from junior high on. He is a master manipulator and a consummate liar. He is a victim. Everybody has it out for him. Even the teachers in junior high had it out for him. When he does something wrong, it is never his fault. He is always innocent. He is a user. He is a taker. He is a drug addict, with everything---the habits, the faulty thinking and the behavior---that comes with being a drug addict. I think my son has a lot of anxiety and depression. I don't know if it is related to his addiction or if it came before his addiction. I don't know and nobody will know unless and until he stops using. Then he can be evaluated for other mental illnesses. I believe that this path gives me the only chance I have. I also believe this path gives my son a chance, but it is up to him to take it. I love him very much and my constant prayer is that he chooses recovery. [/QUOTE]
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Been a long time...difficult child still breaks my heart
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