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Being Direct with-difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="hexemaus2" data-source="post: 191949" data-attributes="member: 4560"><p>I have seen the same kind of thing with my difficult child 2. He likes to "hide" behind easy child excuses and sugar coatings and gets extremely defensive if you put the "real" labels on his choices/actions. (Like "boundary issues" instead of "stealing.") I can also see now, looking back, how often his meltdowns were more choice than anything - a way to deflect attention from his wrong-doings. </p><p> </p><p>I have to agree with everyone else - call a spade a spade and don't give a difficult child the opportunity to slide out from under what he/she has really done by calling it something less "offensive," if you know what I mean. Their challenges make their actions more understandable, but by no means does it make them excusable. If anything, making any such allowances (no matter how slight) for a difficult child just makes it that much harder for them to understand that they have consequences too, just like the rest of us. At least that's my humble little opinion. And it's hard sometimes for me to realize I've enabled one of my difficult children to sugar coat their actions by calling them something else. It's so easy to make excuses for them - even in our own minds. We don't do them any favors that way.</p><p> </p><p>For me, at least, especially now that my difficult children are getting older and much closer to adulthood (scary thought!) I can truly value the advice another parent here once gave me about preparing the child for the path, not the path for the child. I try to keep that in mind when I find myself slipping into sugar coating or trying to be "easy child" about my children's' actions/choices. I'm not doing them any favors that way. </p><p> </p><p>Keep staying strong. Keep reminding yourself of the big picture of your difficult child's future and how what they learn now will affect them in the future. Looking back I can see how my mistakes have played out as my kids have gotten older. I can see times where my willingness to slide into "boundary issue" kind of thinking instead of "stealing" kind of thinking has come back to bite me in the rear. I don't know that it would have made any difference with difficult child 2 in regard to using plain, straight-forward language...but I can see where it would have made a difference with difficult child 1 if I had been a little more "realistic" with the way I phrased things or viewed things. If that makes any sense. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hexemaus2, post: 191949, member: 4560"] I have seen the same kind of thing with my difficult child 2. He likes to "hide" behind easy child excuses and sugar coatings and gets extremely defensive if you put the "real" labels on his choices/actions. (Like "boundary issues" instead of "stealing.") I can also see now, looking back, how often his meltdowns were more choice than anything - a way to deflect attention from his wrong-doings. I have to agree with everyone else - call a spade a spade and don't give a difficult child the opportunity to slide out from under what he/she has really done by calling it something less "offensive," if you know what I mean. Their challenges make their actions more understandable, but by no means does it make them excusable. If anything, making any such allowances (no matter how slight) for a difficult child just makes it that much harder for them to understand that they have consequences too, just like the rest of us. At least that's my humble little opinion. And it's hard sometimes for me to realize I've enabled one of my difficult children to sugar coat their actions by calling them something else. It's so easy to make excuses for them - even in our own minds. We don't do them any favors that way. For me, at least, especially now that my difficult children are getting older and much closer to adulthood (scary thought!) I can truly value the advice another parent here once gave me about preparing the child for the path, not the path for the child. I try to keep that in mind when I find myself slipping into sugar coating or trying to be "easy child" about my children's' actions/choices. I'm not doing them any favors that way. Keep staying strong. Keep reminding yourself of the big picture of your difficult child's future and how what they learn now will affect them in the future. Looking back I can see how my mistakes have played out as my kids have gotten older. I can see times where my willingness to slide into "boundary issue" kind of thinking instead of "stealing" kind of thinking has come back to bite me in the rear. I don't know that it would have made any difference with difficult child 2 in regard to using plain, straight-forward language...but I can see where it would have made a difference with difficult child 1 if I had been a little more "realistic" with the way I phrased things or viewed things. If that makes any sense. :) [/QUOTE]
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