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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 297275" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Nomad, </p><p> </p><p>When I think about your situation with your daughter, and compare it to the same type of necessary 'salvation' of others it is not surprising to me. It's frustrating and I guess in a way one half of me wants NOTHING to do with the kinds of kids that Dude is drawn to or feels he has to save. THe other half of me sits and thinks - What in the world makes ME think that I am ANY better than those kids? Who do they have? Isn't my son a very special person for reaching out to them when no one else will and being a friend? I've discussed it in therapy a lot with and without Dude being there, because while we all want to set a good example for our kids to NOT hang with "those" types of kids - what comes back to haunt me and bite ME in the butt is Dudes words - "Mom did you ever stop to think that other people, other kids, other nice families think that I am "those" types of a kid?" - and that never dawned on me in a million years - but...once I really sat and thought about it - (sorta reality slap) I guess the straight A, well-to-do neighborhood, dual degree educated families 'could' look at Dude and tell their children - I don't want you hanging with THOSE (meaning my son) types of kids and that was an eye opener for me. </p><p> </p><p>Sometimes we are justified in our judgements of our the people that our kids choose to hang around with because of the influences that they bring. I'm not for anyone that is enticing my already disturbed kid with drugs or alcohol and get very upset at the thought of anyone bringing anything like that around him. Personally our lives have had enough of that sort of thing in it and nearly killed us both. Then there is the easily influenced factor and the longing to belong to a group at any cost desires that after so many years of being rejected by every other group of kids - when they finally FIND someone that says "HEY - you can be part of OUR group!" Our kids literally jump through hoops to be part of any clan. If you break it down like that? It's not so unbelievable or such a slap in the face to you as a parent. Then there is another component of what our kids feel - and that is that just once - they'd like to know what a good feeling it is to be the one that saves someone else. To be the big sister/brother. To be the one that is GIVING help - not GETTING help all the time. </p><p> </p><p>After years of being angry, lashing out, kicking, screaming, being obstinant, defiant, oppositional then having windows of kindness - small that they were when Dude would be in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) setting and a younger child would come into the program and be scared, cry or be so shy - it was ALWAYS Dude that they saw go to that kid and be the first to befriend him. The counselors thought this was the ODDEST thing ever. Here was a kid that was so out of control he couldn't be handled - yet bring in a younger kid - and WHAM - instant big brother - best of the group, no bad behaviors - no outrageous meltdowns, and no one got to hurt the new kid. The psychiatrist told them it was because he found a niche - for once he was able to help. It made him feel good. It released endorphines - and that made him feel so good, so much better than bad behavior - Wierd huh? </p><p> </p><p>So in a way - when your daughter is helping - it makes her feel good and she can't help it. It's like she's fighting against herself and honestly - I think she's willing to give up the food to get the feel good. The feeling of helping others far outweighs the consequences of being hungry, of being kicked out, of making you and husband angry. So she's on a right path - of helping - but she just can't do it at her home. And I know this is true because when we picked up and took Dude to the Salvation Army and he loaded furniture and sorted books and helped people? It was like he shined. He really loved it - and ESPECIALLY if the manger hugged him and made a fuss over him to the customers - WOW - it helped him out of his shell. We'd volunteered there for years on and off - but when he got to where he was without ME (MOM) there? The difference was amazing - he was chatty - and talked, cut up with the other staff....had good influences his own age....met a few bad ones too - but it wasn't so bad. And he met a lot of really down and out folks - homeless people who told him their story - and he listened. </p><p> </p><p>I don't know if any of this makes ANY sense with regards to your daughter. Maybe none at all. Maybe she doesn't want to volunteer or has no desire to do anything like that at all. But I think - if you talked to the therapist about it - well, I don't think our therapist was too far off the mark with Dude. I don't know your daughter, but I think she must have a lovely heart despite seeming to her parents like she's missing a part of her logical brain. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" /> I think it falls off during teen years and they get it back as adults if they ask for it. </p><p> </p><p>Also - if she's volunteering - it can - not for sure - but it CAN lead to someone seeing her doing a good job and maybe a paying job - or getting job skills, learning how to be responsible....get's them in a mode for getting up, going to work - exercise - and gets them around people. </p><p> </p><p>Just my .02 which I must spend today because with the way things are now - by the time I have grandchildren my .02 will cost 1.28<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/laugh.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":laugh:" title="laugh :laugh:" data-shortname=":laugh:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 297275, member: 4964"] Nomad, When I think about your situation with your daughter, and compare it to the same type of necessary 'salvation' of others it is not surprising to me. It's frustrating and I guess in a way one half of me wants NOTHING to do with the kinds of kids that Dude is drawn to or feels he has to save. THe other half of me sits and thinks - What in the world makes ME think that I am ANY better than those kids? Who do they have? Isn't my son a very special person for reaching out to them when no one else will and being a friend? I've discussed it in therapy a lot with and without Dude being there, because while we all want to set a good example for our kids to NOT hang with "those" types of kids - what comes back to haunt me and bite ME in the butt is Dudes words - "Mom did you ever stop to think that other people, other kids, other nice families think that I am "those" types of a kid?" - and that never dawned on me in a million years - but...once I really sat and thought about it - (sorta reality slap) I guess the straight A, well-to-do neighborhood, dual degree educated families 'could' look at Dude and tell their children - I don't want you hanging with THOSE (meaning my son) types of kids and that was an eye opener for me. Sometimes we are justified in our judgements of our the people that our kids choose to hang around with because of the influences that they bring. I'm not for anyone that is enticing my already disturbed kid with drugs or alcohol and get very upset at the thought of anyone bringing anything like that around him. Personally our lives have had enough of that sort of thing in it and nearly killed us both. Then there is the easily influenced factor and the longing to belong to a group at any cost desires that after so many years of being rejected by every other group of kids - when they finally FIND someone that says "HEY - you can be part of OUR group!" Our kids literally jump through hoops to be part of any clan. If you break it down like that? It's not so unbelievable or such a slap in the face to you as a parent. Then there is another component of what our kids feel - and that is that just once - they'd like to know what a good feeling it is to be the one that saves someone else. To be the big sister/brother. To be the one that is GIVING help - not GETTING help all the time. After years of being angry, lashing out, kicking, screaming, being obstinant, defiant, oppositional then having windows of kindness - small that they were when Dude would be in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) setting and a younger child would come into the program and be scared, cry or be so shy - it was ALWAYS Dude that they saw go to that kid and be the first to befriend him. The counselors thought this was the ODDEST thing ever. Here was a kid that was so out of control he couldn't be handled - yet bring in a younger kid - and WHAM - instant big brother - best of the group, no bad behaviors - no outrageous meltdowns, and no one got to hurt the new kid. The psychiatrist told them it was because he found a niche - for once he was able to help. It made him feel good. It released endorphines - and that made him feel so good, so much better than bad behavior - Wierd huh? So in a way - when your daughter is helping - it makes her feel good and she can't help it. It's like she's fighting against herself and honestly - I think she's willing to give up the food to get the feel good. The feeling of helping others far outweighs the consequences of being hungry, of being kicked out, of making you and husband angry. So she's on a right path - of helping - but she just can't do it at her home. And I know this is true because when we picked up and took Dude to the Salvation Army and he loaded furniture and sorted books and helped people? It was like he shined. He really loved it - and ESPECIALLY if the manger hugged him and made a fuss over him to the customers - WOW - it helped him out of his shell. We'd volunteered there for years on and off - but when he got to where he was without ME (MOM) there? The difference was amazing - he was chatty - and talked, cut up with the other staff....had good influences his own age....met a few bad ones too - but it wasn't so bad. And he met a lot of really down and out folks - homeless people who told him their story - and he listened. I don't know if any of this makes ANY sense with regards to your daughter. Maybe none at all. Maybe she doesn't want to volunteer or has no desire to do anything like that at all. But I think - if you talked to the therapist about it - well, I don't think our therapist was too far off the mark with Dude. I don't know your daughter, but I think she must have a lovely heart despite seeming to her parents like she's missing a part of her logical brain. :raspberry-tounge: I think it falls off during teen years and they get it back as adults if they ask for it. Also - if she's volunteering - it can - not for sure - but it CAN lead to someone seeing her doing a good job and maybe a paying job - or getting job skills, learning how to be responsible....get's them in a mode for getting up, going to work - exercise - and gets them around people. Just my .02 which I must spend today because with the way things are now - by the time I have grandchildren my .02 will cost 1.28:funny: [/QUOTE]
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