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Parent Emeritus
Bipolar adult son, is wanting to move back in.
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 741019" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Personally, my sense is that you DON"T want him back. But you feel guilty that you SHOULD let him back, in that he is vulnerable and mentally ill and has nobody else. </p><p></p><p>While I understand totally why somebody would feel this way I think acting on these feeling is an accident waiting to happen. Why? First because of what is on this thread. As important, you would be denying your real feelings. This would backfire on him. It is not in his interests to be in a situation that would blow up. And if you let him come to your house without a real thought through commitment, it would be a set up. And it would be dangerous.</p><p> I think these should be conditions for help but I do not feel convinced that you want him home. I think you feel a bunch of shoulds. Personally, I do not think the possibility of him living with you should be mentioned, until he has stabilized and completed all of the conditions: stabilization, medication compliance over a long period, therapy, productivity, drug free over a long period, family counseling, if at all. A demonstrated life change. And then I would be hesitant. Because he would have established an independent life. He would have a family, without the need to live with you.</p><p></p><p>But why would he come home if he has achieved all of that? What is the reason to come home? I can see none at all. He is an adult.</p><p></p><p>I believe that people do become stabilized on medication. Bipolar people become stabilized and productive. But the thing is they often LIKE the manic state. They like it. It is a feel-good state for them, frequently, that they do not want to give up.</p><p></p><p>There are so many programs for mentally ill people who are motivated to be stable. But it is the same as for all the rest of our kids...there has to be motivation. And all to often they do not want the structure of programs or even required to get support. </p><p></p><p>They prefer our homes and our help because they perceive they have power and because they do not feel accountable. They believe (rightfully) that they can impose their own rules on us, and make us accountable to THEM.</p><p></p><p>If you feel guilty about not housing him, you are acceding to and conforming to HIS expectations for YOU. This would not be a good way to enter into this. I do not believe my son is bipolar although he has self-identified as such. I have tried and tried and tried to make housing him work out. It was always his terms. He never had the incentive to really make it work. He never accepted that there is an exchange required in relationships. </p><p></p><p>And still I want to bring him back. It is not guilt on my part. It is misery. But that is not a reason.</p><p>I would not say this, although I respect the spirit of these words. He assaulted his grandmother. He is making death threats. Nobody alive would want somebody like this close. Terror decimates love. I would be more apt to tell him the truth if it ever comes up: I am afraid of you. I am afraid because of what you did to grandma. I am afraid because of the threats you have made to kill me. </p><p></p><p>This is real and this is true. I would try as hard as I can to figure out what I really feel, and act from it. Sometimes love is hard.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 741019, member: 18958"] Personally, my sense is that you DON"T want him back. But you feel guilty that you SHOULD let him back, in that he is vulnerable and mentally ill and has nobody else. While I understand totally why somebody would feel this way I think acting on these feeling is an accident waiting to happen. Why? First because of what is on this thread. As important, you would be denying your real feelings. This would backfire on him. It is not in his interests to be in a situation that would blow up. And if you let him come to your house without a real thought through commitment, it would be a set up. And it would be dangerous. I think these should be conditions for help but I do not feel convinced that you want him home. I think you feel a bunch of shoulds. Personally, I do not think the possibility of him living with you should be mentioned, until he has stabilized and completed all of the conditions: stabilization, medication compliance over a long period, therapy, productivity, drug free over a long period, family counseling, if at all. A demonstrated life change. And then I would be hesitant. Because he would have established an independent life. He would have a family, without the need to live with you. But why would he come home if he has achieved all of that? What is the reason to come home? I can see none at all. He is an adult. I believe that people do become stabilized on medication. Bipolar people become stabilized and productive. But the thing is they often LIKE the manic state. They like it. It is a feel-good state for them, frequently, that they do not want to give up. There are so many programs for mentally ill people who are motivated to be stable. But it is the same as for all the rest of our kids...there has to be motivation. And all to often they do not want the structure of programs or even required to get support. They prefer our homes and our help because they perceive they have power and because they do not feel accountable. They believe (rightfully) that they can impose their own rules on us, and make us accountable to THEM. If you feel guilty about not housing him, you are acceding to and conforming to HIS expectations for YOU. This would not be a good way to enter into this. I do not believe my son is bipolar although he has self-identified as such. I have tried and tried and tried to make housing him work out. It was always his terms. He never had the incentive to really make it work. He never accepted that there is an exchange required in relationships. And still I want to bring him back. It is not guilt on my part. It is misery. But that is not a reason. I would not say this, although I respect the spirit of these words. He assaulted his grandmother. He is making death threats. Nobody alive would want somebody like this close. Terror decimates love. I would be more apt to tell him the truth if it ever comes up: I am afraid of you. I am afraid because of what you did to grandma. I am afraid because of the threats you have made to kill me. This is real and this is true. I would try as hard as I can to figure out what I really feel, and act from it. Sometimes love is hard. [/QUOTE]
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Bipolar adult son, is wanting to move back in.
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