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Birthday Party Disaster
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 752170" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Daisy. I see your point. Of course your Mom was out of line. But wasn't she acting from the family playbook? Your mom apparently thinks and acts as if she can punish you and your husband for misbehaving even though you are grandparents: This sounds like it is the family system. This is how it is done in your family and many others. You can see how it is working. This way of acting always requires a scapegoat. A guilty party. In this party there were two scapegoats, your daughter and your husband. You recognize that it was wrong that your husband be scapegoated by your mother. Can you see that your daughter was scapegoated too? By you and her father?</p><p></p><p>I recognize that there is pent up frustration from how your daughter acts. But that kind of accumulated tension is ON US. Not just in us. It's on us because we keep doing the same thing, even though it's not working. By that I mean, in my case, living near my son puts impossible pressure on me. And because I have a hard time insisting he be homeless, I keep putting myself in a situation that I can't bear. That's on me.</p><p></p><p>I am not saying that your daughter was right today. She made a couple of errors. She didn't handle the balloons, and then in order to fix that mistake she was late to the party. But the question is this. Is the impossible stress all stemming from today or is it cumulative?</p><p></p><p>It sounds like your choice point is like Eliza wrote. If your daughter is congenitally irresponsible and late, why would you have a party where you depend upon her to do anything? Either don't have this kind of get together, or support her to do things in time by helping her. If you know she is this way, isn't it a setup to let her and you and everybody else fall into the trap so that everybody ends up mad and hurt, talking about never talking to each other ever again?</p><p></p><p>Or maybe the choice point is having her move out entirely. Maybe this was what was supposed to happen some time ago. I don't know. It's hard. I know. I live it too.</p><p></p><p>I have my own family disasters. That are equally intense and overwhelming. But they don't have to be, if I recognize that things are the way they are. Accepting reality. If my son (or I) can't or won't do something...why would I have the expectation that we will? Things don't change that way.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 752170, member: 18958"] Daisy. I see your point. Of course your Mom was out of line. But wasn't she acting from the family playbook? Your mom apparently thinks and acts as if she can punish you and your husband for misbehaving even though you are grandparents: This sounds like it is the family system. This is how it is done in your family and many others. You can see how it is working. This way of acting always requires a scapegoat. A guilty party. In this party there were two scapegoats, your daughter and your husband. You recognize that it was wrong that your husband be scapegoated by your mother. Can you see that your daughter was scapegoated too? By you and her father? I recognize that there is pent up frustration from how your daughter acts. But that kind of accumulated tension is ON US. Not just in us. It's on us because we keep doing the same thing, even though it's not working. By that I mean, in my case, living near my son puts impossible pressure on me. And because I have a hard time insisting he be homeless, I keep putting myself in a situation that I can't bear. That's on me. I am not saying that your daughter was right today. She made a couple of errors. She didn't handle the balloons, and then in order to fix that mistake she was late to the party. But the question is this. Is the impossible stress all stemming from today or is it cumulative? It sounds like your choice point is like Eliza wrote. If your daughter is congenitally irresponsible and late, why would you have a party where you depend upon her to do anything? Either don't have this kind of get together, or support her to do things in time by helping her. If you know she is this way, isn't it a setup to let her and you and everybody else fall into the trap so that everybody ends up mad and hurt, talking about never talking to each other ever again? Or maybe the choice point is having her move out entirely. Maybe this was what was supposed to happen some time ago. I don't know. It's hard. I know. I live it too. I have my own family disasters. That are equally intense and overwhelming. But they don't have to be, if I recognize that things are the way they are. Accepting reality. If my son (or I) can't or won't do something...why would I have the expectation that we will? Things don't change that way. [/QUOTE]
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