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Birthdays -- Photographs & Memories
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<blockquote data-quote="HeadlightsMom" data-source="post: 650326" data-attributes="member: 18284"><p><strong><u>CoM </u></strong>-- Acceptance, grieving, celebrating. I still do all of the above. I think because I have become so keenly aware of the "grieving" portion of the program, I have become even more aware of the "celebrating" portion of the program. There are a great many mainstream parenting experiences we didn't have because our son isn't mainstream. But it doesn't mean there aren't beautiful experiences to be had.</p><p></p><p>Ya know, I work with Special Education kids. I see so many kids (K-12) who are multi-ortho or autistic who can't speak at all. Not ONE word. I sometimes go home at night thinking............ "What would their parents give to just hear their child speak ONE word?" We've had the blessing of hearing our child speak MANY words. (oy vey! Some I wish he'd kept to himself! LOLOL!). But, seriously, we each have a battle.......or a grieving. This gives us each the opportunity to find our acceptance. It's a haaaaard path, but it can be done. Took me years (really.......years). And sometimes I still wrestle with it....slip into hurt, sadness, anger, grief, etc. But the more time goes on, the more I accept -- and the shorter those difficult periods are. They are who they are. And we are who we are. And we are ALLOWED to have joy! Even in the middle of it. Sometimes in spite of it.......right in the face of it. To hell with whatever "box" others may try to put us into. We know we do our best and we know we love deeply.</p><p></p><p>One thing about love which helped me tremendously.........BOUNDARIES. Boundaries didn't limit my love or theirs. It grew our safety, sanity, wisdom and respect. Over time, I'm sure it's helped us all.....parents and child. Boundaries don't limit love.</p><p></p><p><strong><u>SeekingStrength</u></strong> --- Wow! I can sooooo relate to your Burger King story! Oh, yeah.... I suspect there's a whole pile of us with crazy stories around vacations, grocery stores, eating out, clothes shopping, waking kids up in the morning, holidays, etc. What a crazy pile of experiences! Really...... I can picture your Burger King story vividly. Zoiks! We did the same thing you did. We had to quit taking him on vacation. Once he was bigger than we were (and I'm only 4'11" and my husband is only 5'6"!), it got exponentially harder. When my 12-yo was shoving me waiting in line at Rhino Rally (really? Who does that while waiting in line for a theme park ride? Who's torturing him? LOL!), he was taller than I already. It was just bizarre.</p><p></p><p>You sound VERY strong and wise to me! </p><p></p><p>And, much like your Burger King experience (I'm guessing you've got dozens more similar experiences!), it just seems crazy. In fact, it seems SO crazy, that I conclude that it is.......in fact.......crazy. I don't mean that diagnostically (although I could) or judgmentally (although I could). I mean that literally. It's just out of nowhere and, often, seemingly inexplicable. And so it is. It just is.</p><p></p><p>Reminds me of our biggest fast food saga. When our son was 14, we owned property in the woods we were clearing. We went out there every other weekend to clear the land (burn slash piles, etc). After hours of work, we always followed it up with hours of either riding quads/motorcycles (we had 2) or swimming in the lake nearby (depended on weather). Some work, some fun and then we headed out for a LOT of food (as we were famished). We usually took 3 kids (younger teens) and 4 adults. One day I had the 3 teens in my car (our son, 2 family friends -- great guys...still are). We voted on where we wanted to eat. 3 of us voted for Crazy Eric's Burgers, our son voted for McDonalds. Majority rules. That's life. We went to Crazy Eric's. In the parking lot, our son just went ballistic. I mean BALLISTIC. We had all gotten back into the car with our food and he wouldn't get in. So we drove in S-L-O-W circles around the rural shopping center trying to wear him out so he'd calm down. He chased the car, but wouldn't get in......just kept pounding on the windows, screaming threats of.......???? Nothing in particular. It was an epic crazy episode. I spoke directly with the other 2 teen boys (both of whom were terrified, but did know our son well enough so they'd seen this happen before). I kept telling them, "We just have to wait it out." They were compassionate and wise and agreed.</p><p></p><p>Well, after 30 crazy minutes, I actually considered just driving away. Seriously. So I drove onto the highway (rural highway, but, still, a highway with cars going 55+ mph) and drove a very short distance to the very next parking lot off the highway. I looked in the rearview mirror and could see our son running down the MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY filled with cars. OMG! I was shocked and terrified all at once. "Oh, please, God, please don't let him get hit!"</p><p></p><p>I don't know what drivers though, but they did stop for him (amazing he wasn't hit). Scared the hell out of me. I mean, REALLY scared me. I kept thinking, "All this for what? McDonald's?"</p><p></p><p>Eventually, he did tire out. He agreed to get in the car, but wanted everyone to switch their seats. "NO. Get in the car where the seat is open or so help me, I'm driving off." (and I meant it). He got in.</p><p></p><p>Driving home I was suddenly very, VERY tired. I realized the car was quiet. I looked in the rearview mirror and all 3 teenagers were sound asleep, exhausted. So was I. It was an hour-long episode.........over McDonalds.</p><p></p><p>Is it any wonder this is so exhausting?</p><p></p><p>However, let me add this....... The next day our son had some recognition of what he'd done. He apologized (he's generally been very good at that.....we're not always sure when it's genuine, but we always hope). During those young teen years he also told me that we should take him to the mental hospital and leave him........he knows he's not "right in the head".</p><p></p><p>Foremost in my mind is the day he just flopped onto our living room floor (age 10 or 11?), curled up into a fetal ball and began wailing, "It hurts! It hurts! It's like a hole I can never fill up!" All I could do was get down on the floor with him and wrap him in my arms and cry with him. We did. We stayed there for a long time. We just loved.</p><p></p><p>I don't know what it's like to be him. He doesn't know what it's like to be me. But when our worlds intersect in genuine, real, candid love (which may not be often), I treasure those moments. Even when there is grieving. I need to remind myself that he is not merely a ONE-dimensional being. I also need to remind myself that I am not merely a ONE-dimensional being. Nor is anyone else, purely ONE-dimensional.</p><p></p><p>Right after our son told me we should take him to the mental hospital and leave him, I said, "I wish I could walk in your shoes just for a day and know what it felt like to be you." He gently replied, "No you don't, Mom. Trust me."</p><p></p><p>Everyone's pain, joy and feelings matter. Theirs, ours, everyone's. It's good to remember we're all on this journey of life together. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p><p></p><p><strong><u>RE</u></strong> -- Amen, amen, amen! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="HeadlightsMom, post: 650326, member: 18284"] [B][U]CoM [/U][/B]-- Acceptance, grieving, celebrating. I still do all of the above. I think because I have become so keenly aware of the "grieving" portion of the program, I have become even more aware of the "celebrating" portion of the program. There are a great many mainstream parenting experiences we didn't have because our son isn't mainstream. But it doesn't mean there aren't beautiful experiences to be had. Ya know, I work with Special Education kids. I see so many kids (K-12) who are multi-ortho or autistic who can't speak at all. Not ONE word. I sometimes go home at night thinking............ "What would their parents give to just hear their child speak ONE word?" We've had the blessing of hearing our child speak MANY words. (oy vey! Some I wish he'd kept to himself! LOLOL!). But, seriously, we each have a battle.......or a grieving. This gives us each the opportunity to find our acceptance. It's a haaaaard path, but it can be done. Took me years (really.......years). And sometimes I still wrestle with it....slip into hurt, sadness, anger, grief, etc. But the more time goes on, the more I accept -- and the shorter those difficult periods are. They are who they are. And we are who we are. And we are ALLOWED to have joy! Even in the middle of it. Sometimes in spite of it.......right in the face of it. To hell with whatever "box" others may try to put us into. We know we do our best and we know we love deeply. One thing about love which helped me tremendously.........BOUNDARIES. Boundaries didn't limit my love or theirs. It grew our safety, sanity, wisdom and respect. Over time, I'm sure it's helped us all.....parents and child. Boundaries don't limit love. [B][U]SeekingStrength[/U][/B] --- Wow! I can sooooo relate to your Burger King story! Oh, yeah.... I suspect there's a whole pile of us with crazy stories around vacations, grocery stores, eating out, clothes shopping, waking kids up in the morning, holidays, etc. What a crazy pile of experiences! Really...... I can picture your Burger King story vividly. Zoiks! We did the same thing you did. We had to quit taking him on vacation. Once he was bigger than we were (and I'm only 4'11" and my husband is only 5'6"!), it got exponentially harder. When my 12-yo was shoving me waiting in line at Rhino Rally (really? Who does that while waiting in line for a theme park ride? Who's torturing him? LOL!), he was taller than I already. It was just bizarre. You sound VERY strong and wise to me! And, much like your Burger King experience (I'm guessing you've got dozens more similar experiences!), it just seems crazy. In fact, it seems SO crazy, that I conclude that it is.......in fact.......crazy. I don't mean that diagnostically (although I could) or judgmentally (although I could). I mean that literally. It's just out of nowhere and, often, seemingly inexplicable. And so it is. It just is. Reminds me of our biggest fast food saga. When our son was 14, we owned property in the woods we were clearing. We went out there every other weekend to clear the land (burn slash piles, etc). After hours of work, we always followed it up with hours of either riding quads/motorcycles (we had 2) or swimming in the lake nearby (depended on weather). Some work, some fun and then we headed out for a LOT of food (as we were famished). We usually took 3 kids (younger teens) and 4 adults. One day I had the 3 teens in my car (our son, 2 family friends -- great guys...still are). We voted on where we wanted to eat. 3 of us voted for Crazy Eric's Burgers, our son voted for McDonalds. Majority rules. That's life. We went to Crazy Eric's. In the parking lot, our son just went ballistic. I mean BALLISTIC. We had all gotten back into the car with our food and he wouldn't get in. So we drove in S-L-O-W circles around the rural shopping center trying to wear him out so he'd calm down. He chased the car, but wouldn't get in......just kept pounding on the windows, screaming threats of.......???? Nothing in particular. It was an epic crazy episode. I spoke directly with the other 2 teen boys (both of whom were terrified, but did know our son well enough so they'd seen this happen before). I kept telling them, "We just have to wait it out." They were compassionate and wise and agreed. Well, after 30 crazy minutes, I actually considered just driving away. Seriously. So I drove onto the highway (rural highway, but, still, a highway with cars going 55+ mph) and drove a very short distance to the very next parking lot off the highway. I looked in the rearview mirror and could see our son running down the MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY filled with cars. OMG! I was shocked and terrified all at once. "Oh, please, God, please don't let him get hit!" I don't know what drivers though, but they did stop for him (amazing he wasn't hit). Scared the hell out of me. I mean, REALLY scared me. I kept thinking, "All this for what? McDonald's?" Eventually, he did tire out. He agreed to get in the car, but wanted everyone to switch their seats. "NO. Get in the car where the seat is open or so help me, I'm driving off." (and I meant it). He got in. Driving home I was suddenly very, VERY tired. I realized the car was quiet. I looked in the rearview mirror and all 3 teenagers were sound asleep, exhausted. So was I. It was an hour-long episode.........over McDonalds. Is it any wonder this is so exhausting? However, let me add this....... The next day our son had some recognition of what he'd done. He apologized (he's generally been very good at that.....we're not always sure when it's genuine, but we always hope). During those young teen years he also told me that we should take him to the mental hospital and leave him........he knows he's not "right in the head". Foremost in my mind is the day he just flopped onto our living room floor (age 10 or 11?), curled up into a fetal ball and began wailing, "It hurts! It hurts! It's like a hole I can never fill up!" All I could do was get down on the floor with him and wrap him in my arms and cry with him. We did. We stayed there for a long time. We just loved. I don't know what it's like to be him. He doesn't know what it's like to be me. But when our worlds intersect in genuine, real, candid love (which may not be often), I treasure those moments. Even when there is grieving. I need to remind myself that he is not merely a ONE-dimensional being. I also need to remind myself that I am not merely a ONE-dimensional being. Nor is anyone else, purely ONE-dimensional. Right after our son told me we should take him to the mental hospital and leave him, I said, "I wish I could walk in your shoes just for a day and know what it felt like to be you." He gently replied, "No you don't, Mom. Trust me." Everyone's pain, joy and feelings matter. Theirs, ours, everyone's. It's good to remember we're all on this journey of life together. :) [B][U]RE[/U][/B] -- Amen, amen, amen! :) [/QUOTE]
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