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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 650357" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>When we adopted our son from the East and took him out of his country and his orphanage, where he had obviously never had a stable caregiver or any love, my husband and I knew about attachment problems in older adoptees (and some younger ones and some kids in bio. homes who had very early chaos and a lack of stability). I read all I could on attachment and attachment disorder. My ex-husband is rather a clueless man so I don't blame him for not being concerned about adopting a child from another country who did not end up arriving here until he was nearly six. I wanted to do it so he said, "Ah, all right." I see that now. He had no fear. But I knew. I can't go back in time to wonder why I felt it would be different for us or if I felt it would or if I could just hold him enough to make him bond with us. Knowing what I did, which was a lot, I'm surprised I wanted to adopt a child who was as old as GoneBoy. He did have a great recommendation for him and was brilliant, which just made them more eager to get him out of the country and into a home.</p><p></p><p>He never acted up. He was as good as gold. I did try to hug him, but he never seemed to like it much and he wanted to do everything himself from tying his shoes to doing his homework. Yet he did better than most older adopted kids and never ever got into any trouble or acted out or struck out. He held a lot of anger and curiousity about his identity and low self-esteem inside of him. He was going to show everyone how important he was by making more money than anybody else, and he did.</p><p></p><p>Sometimes he would talk, frustrated, about how he could not feel like we were his parents. He was bright enough to talk about attachment disorder with and apparently he had looked it up and knew about it. He had no trouble bonding with peers. His famly was different. He was making good progress in his 20's, then he met his current wife, whom I will call nothing because I'd have to censor it. I don't blame her, but he really fell for her and it became all about her. It was easy for him to let us go and switch to her and her family. She was of his origin and very strong!!!! She told us straight up that he was hers now. She didn't like us. She was especially jealous of his sister Princess because they were so close. As silly as this may sound, I think she thought Goneboy and Princess were attracted to each other and that she was a threat to her. In her culture, there is little adoption and to her she was not really his sister. And he used to rave about his sister before he dumped her. That was the end of Goneboy trying to hug us or love us or have anything to do with us. She told us he was hers. And I asked him about it and he said, "Yes, she is. I'm a Christian man and she's my family now." He was very cold when he said it. I had never heard him that way before. He meant it. Totally. He married her and that was the end.</p><p></p><p>He has two boys I have never seen and am told I will never see per his wife and what she says goes. I don't see wife so there is no chance to talk. She won't. </p><p></p><p>They were both extremely religious, but not in a normal way; most religious folks are not as literal as them. For example, I am positive they were both virgins until they married and she was in her mid thirties and quite pretty and he was a few years younger only. He feels divorce is a vile sin. He won't allow any cuss words in his hearing or anyone to slip and say OMG in his presence. Think of the extreme view, and he has it. I think he feels safe having so many rules spelled out for him. Unlike most Christians, he doesn't relax any rules either. I shudder to think of how he'll feel if one of his boys is ever caught having sex before marriage or if one rebels and becomes difficult. I don't wish it; I just don't know how either of them would handle it.</p><p></p><p>Goneboy is no longer in our lives and we aren't even sure why. All we know is, after going to a psychologist for a long time who specialized only in adopted kids and adopted family issues, I was convinced finally what I had denied for so long: This young man has abnormal attachment. His first six years were terribly unstable, then he was told he had a family and he was supposed to love us, adjust to our ways, learn a new language, learn a new culture, put up with Bart's dislike (we hadn't seen THAT coming because Bart had seemed so eager to have a same age brother!). But this wasn't about him and Bart. It was about him and Princess, who he had once been very close to, and him and me and Jumper and Sonic, who he has really never interacted with.</p><p></p><p>I have many kids and two grands because I wanted a big family. I feel fortunate for that. It made things easier when I realized it would never work and that I would have to live without him by his choice. Although I had four other kids when it happened (no grands yet), it was still gutwrenching as I had loved him so much. More than that, I had respected the person he was...coming here from so far away, no love before us, and becoming so hardworking and successful in life. It hurt to think that he did not feel we were good enough to be his family. I feel that is a part of this. I don't think I'm wrong. When I think about it, I still get tears in my eyes.</p><p></p><p>I hate attachment disorder.</p><p></p><p>When people who are younger ask me where/how/what to adopt, I say a dog first...lol. J/K. But I do tell them to adopt a baby, as young as possible. I don't feel the race or country of origin matters, but I do think you have the best chance for it to work out if you get a child who is young enough to bond with you and has not had a horrendous, loveless first few years. I learned that love doesn't heal their poor hurt souls and that we can not make up for those early years where we were not there to dry their tears. We had another older child in our life and it went even worse...he did act out and sexually abused and God knows what he is doing now as we let him go. He could not sexually abuse our babies and stay in our family and, from what I hear, he didn't miss anything about us except "I miss the toys and the money."</p><p></p><p>You did a very brave thing for a needy boy and he is a better man for it, even if he fan't show it. It sounds like he tried hard to have a good heart. I can only imagine what he went through in his birthfamily and foster care. I hear from social workers that it is usually not pretty. They don't tell us that though before we adopt them.</p><p></p><p>Of all the kids who I know of that were adopted from my son's orphanage, only Goneboy and one other boy were able to live in this world without getting into legal, drug abuse and school trouble. The other boy is still doing well in his family. He is the only one. We have all kept in touch. It is one horror story after another. Adopting an older child is not for the faint of heart.</p><p></p><p>If I had it to do over again, I don't think I could take the hurt a second and third time.</p><p></p><p>My three adopted kids who are doing well all came young. Sonic was two, which is old enough to be permanantly damaged, but he had a wonderful foster family and never had to live with his druggie mom so he has always been very bonded to us. We lucked out there. We could have had a third heartbreak.</p><p></p><p>I feel so badly for you and for your son, but mostly for you because I don't know how your son feels. I do know about the emptiness because Goneboy would mention that too. And I had it myself for many years because my mother, biological and all, had not bonded with me. It's like a horrible empty feeling in the pit of your stomach.</p><p></p><p>I hope one day your son heals enough to come back to you.</p><p></p><p>Hugs for your hurting heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 650357, member: 1550"] When we adopted our son from the East and took him out of his country and his orphanage, where he had obviously never had a stable caregiver or any love, my husband and I knew about attachment problems in older adoptees (and some younger ones and some kids in bio. homes who had very early chaos and a lack of stability). I read all I could on attachment and attachment disorder. My ex-husband is rather a clueless man so I don't blame him for not being concerned about adopting a child from another country who did not end up arriving here until he was nearly six. I wanted to do it so he said, "Ah, all right." I see that now. He had no fear. But I knew. I can't go back in time to wonder why I felt it would be different for us or if I felt it would or if I could just hold him enough to make him bond with us. Knowing what I did, which was a lot, I'm surprised I wanted to adopt a child who was as old as GoneBoy. He did have a great recommendation for him and was brilliant, which just made them more eager to get him out of the country and into a home. He never acted up. He was as good as gold. I did try to hug him, but he never seemed to like it much and he wanted to do everything himself from tying his shoes to doing his homework. Yet he did better than most older adopted kids and never ever got into any trouble or acted out or struck out. He held a lot of anger and curiousity about his identity and low self-esteem inside of him. He was going to show everyone how important he was by making more money than anybody else, and he did. Sometimes he would talk, frustrated, about how he could not feel like we were his parents. He was bright enough to talk about attachment disorder with and apparently he had looked it up and knew about it. He had no trouble bonding with peers. His famly was different. He was making good progress in his 20's, then he met his current wife, whom I will call nothing because I'd have to censor it. I don't blame her, but he really fell for her and it became all about her. It was easy for him to let us go and switch to her and her family. She was of his origin and very strong!!!! She told us straight up that he was hers now. She didn't like us. She was especially jealous of his sister Princess because they were so close. As silly as this may sound, I think she thought Goneboy and Princess were attracted to each other and that she was a threat to her. In her culture, there is little adoption and to her she was not really his sister. And he used to rave about his sister before he dumped her. That was the end of Goneboy trying to hug us or love us or have anything to do with us. She told us he was hers. And I asked him about it and he said, "Yes, she is. I'm a Christian man and she's my family now." He was very cold when he said it. I had never heard him that way before. He meant it. Totally. He married her and that was the end. He has two boys I have never seen and am told I will never see per his wife and what she says goes. I don't see wife so there is no chance to talk. She won't. They were both extremely religious, but not in a normal way; most religious folks are not as literal as them. For example, I am positive they were both virgins until they married and she was in her mid thirties and quite pretty and he was a few years younger only. He feels divorce is a vile sin. He won't allow any cuss words in his hearing or anyone to slip and say OMG in his presence. Think of the extreme view, and he has it. I think he feels safe having so many rules spelled out for him. Unlike most Christians, he doesn't relax any rules either. I shudder to think of how he'll feel if one of his boys is ever caught having sex before marriage or if one rebels and becomes difficult. I don't wish it; I just don't know how either of them would handle it. Goneboy is no longer in our lives and we aren't even sure why. All we know is, after going to a psychologist for a long time who specialized only in adopted kids and adopted family issues, I was convinced finally what I had denied for so long: This young man has abnormal attachment. His first six years were terribly unstable, then he was told he had a family and he was supposed to love us, adjust to our ways, learn a new language, learn a new culture, put up with Bart's dislike (we hadn't seen THAT coming because Bart had seemed so eager to have a same age brother!). But this wasn't about him and Bart. It was about him and Princess, who he had once been very close to, and him and me and Jumper and Sonic, who he has really never interacted with. I have many kids and two grands because I wanted a big family. I feel fortunate for that. It made things easier when I realized it would never work and that I would have to live without him by his choice. Although I had four other kids when it happened (no grands yet), it was still gutwrenching as I had loved him so much. More than that, I had respected the person he was...coming here from so far away, no love before us, and becoming so hardworking and successful in life. It hurt to think that he did not feel we were good enough to be his family. I feel that is a part of this. I don't think I'm wrong. When I think about it, I still get tears in my eyes. I hate attachment disorder. When people who are younger ask me where/how/what to adopt, I say a dog first...lol. J/K. But I do tell them to adopt a baby, as young as possible. I don't feel the race or country of origin matters, but I do think you have the best chance for it to work out if you get a child who is young enough to bond with you and has not had a horrendous, loveless first few years. I learned that love doesn't heal their poor hurt souls and that we can not make up for those early years where we were not there to dry their tears. We had another older child in our life and it went even worse...he did act out and sexually abused and God knows what he is doing now as we let him go. He could not sexually abuse our babies and stay in our family and, from what I hear, he didn't miss anything about us except "I miss the toys and the money." You did a very brave thing for a needy boy and he is a better man for it, even if he fan't show it. It sounds like he tried hard to have a good heart. I can only imagine what he went through in his birthfamily and foster care. I hear from social workers that it is usually not pretty. They don't tell us that though before we adopt them. Of all the kids who I know of that were adopted from my son's orphanage, only Goneboy and one other boy were able to live in this world without getting into legal, drug abuse and school trouble. The other boy is still doing well in his family. He is the only one. We have all kept in touch. It is one horror story after another. Adopting an older child is not for the faint of heart. If I had it to do over again, I don't think I could take the hurt a second and third time. My three adopted kids who are doing well all came young. Sonic was two, which is old enough to be permanantly damaged, but he had a wonderful foster family and never had to live with his druggie mom so he has always been very bonded to us. We lucked out there. We could have had a third heartbreak. I feel so badly for you and for your son, but mostly for you because I don't know how your son feels. I do know about the emptiness because Goneboy would mention that too. And I had it myself for many years because my mother, biological and all, had not bonded with me. It's like a horrible empty feeling in the pit of your stomach. I hope one day your son heals enough to come back to you. Hugs for your hurting heart. 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