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Birthmom is now "Mom"
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 139727" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Nancy, </p><p> </p><p>You never need identify yourself to anyone as difficult child's Mom. A Mother is the person who cares for you regardless of where you come from. A Mother the person who quite literally wipes your butt, your nose, your tears. A Mother isn't the person who gave you life, a Mother is the person who gave you a life. A Mother is the person that despite how badly she's treated, stands strong and still loves and hopes that someday maybe a tiny portion of what she's invested into the live of her child will return to her. A Mother hurts when you hurt, she smiles when you smile, she makes you feel beautiful and keeps you close to her heart. A biological parent - Gives you up because she loves you so much she's willing to live her life without you for you to have the things she wanted you to have, but couldn't give you. It doesn't necessarily mean that 18 years later you go running back to this stranger, calling her Mom and expect things to take off from where you left off. That would be impossible, and she's moved on. No doubt the love will be there but not like a Mother that raised you. There is no greater gift from one Mother to another than a child. Somewhere along the line you hope that the child figures out that where she is - is exactly where her biological parent wanted her to be. Otherwise she would have found a way to keep her. That it's not important in any way where she came from - but it is life altering if she doesn't know where she's headed. </p><p></p><p>Nancy - your daughter is who she is because you raised her to be just that. She became what she has become because she believes she wants something different. To her - those pictures of her biomom holding her must mean she was wanted and had to be given away forceably. That there must be a connection - why would she hold her if she didn't wnat her. I think in difficult child's head this is all a huge mistake and she's angry to her soul about it. She needs to know that no matter where she goes she'll always be unhappy until she figures out what it is in her head that makes her unhappy. And sadly that may not be for years and years. </p><p> </p><p>What if - she finds her bio-mom and the woman is just the most fantastic person in the world, outgoing, rich, beautiful, well-off and welcomes difficult child into her house only to find out that difficult child is a difficult child? There is a potential for huge hurt. Or what if difficult child finds this biomom and she is beautiful and not so rich and willing to meet difficult child but has moved on in her life, has gotten married, has a family - and never told anyone about her? Has difficult child considered that for her biomom? And last but not least my favorite fantasy - where I meet my biomom, and she's dirt poor, is on drugs, lives in squallor, is mentally ill, and I have brothers and sisters, but they are all thieves, addicts, and I lead them back to MY family and put them in danger? We (as adoptees) rarely ever consider anything other than the gleeful running into each others arms at long last with flowers, and rainbows and joy and welcome - what if biomom doesn't want you? It is a possibility - and now I've hurt my MOM, my own self and dug a wedge so deep in my family that I don't know if I can ever go back. </p><p> </p><p>The grass is always greener until we're standing on that farm looking back at that distant greener hill that was our home. </p><p> </p><p>Take the knife out of your heart, take the sadness out of your life - present difficult child with her other options - maybe it will make some sense to her. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 139727, member: 4964"] Nancy, You never need identify yourself to anyone as difficult child's Mom. A Mother is the person who cares for you regardless of where you come from. A Mother the person who quite literally wipes your butt, your nose, your tears. A Mother isn't the person who gave you life, a Mother is the person who gave you a life. A Mother is the person that despite how badly she's treated, stands strong and still loves and hopes that someday maybe a tiny portion of what she's invested into the live of her child will return to her. A Mother hurts when you hurt, she smiles when you smile, she makes you feel beautiful and keeps you close to her heart. A biological parent - Gives you up because she loves you so much she's willing to live her life without you for you to have the things she wanted you to have, but couldn't give you. It doesn't necessarily mean that 18 years later you go running back to this stranger, calling her Mom and expect things to take off from where you left off. That would be impossible, and she's moved on. No doubt the love will be there but not like a Mother that raised you. There is no greater gift from one Mother to another than a child. Somewhere along the line you hope that the child figures out that where she is - is exactly where her biological parent wanted her to be. Otherwise she would have found a way to keep her. That it's not important in any way where she came from - but it is life altering if she doesn't know where she's headed. Nancy - your daughter is who she is because you raised her to be just that. She became what she has become because she believes she wants something different. To her - those pictures of her biomom holding her must mean she was wanted and had to be given away forceably. That there must be a connection - why would she hold her if she didn't wnat her. I think in difficult child's head this is all a huge mistake and she's angry to her soul about it. She needs to know that no matter where she goes she'll always be unhappy until she figures out what it is in her head that makes her unhappy. And sadly that may not be for years and years. What if - she finds her bio-mom and the woman is just the most fantastic person in the world, outgoing, rich, beautiful, well-off and welcomes difficult child into her house only to find out that difficult child is a difficult child? There is a potential for huge hurt. Or what if difficult child finds this biomom and she is beautiful and not so rich and willing to meet difficult child but has moved on in her life, has gotten married, has a family - and never told anyone about her? Has difficult child considered that for her biomom? And last but not least my favorite fantasy - where I meet my biomom, and she's dirt poor, is on drugs, lives in squallor, is mentally ill, and I have brothers and sisters, but they are all thieves, addicts, and I lead them back to MY family and put them in danger? We (as adoptees) rarely ever consider anything other than the gleeful running into each others arms at long last with flowers, and rainbows and joy and welcome - what if biomom doesn't want you? It is a possibility - and now I've hurt my MOM, my own self and dug a wedge so deep in my family that I don't know if I can ever go back. The grass is always greener until we're standing on that farm looking back at that distant greener hill that was our home. Take the knife out of your heart, take the sadness out of your life - present difficult child with her other options - maybe it will make some sense to her. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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