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Birthmom is now "Mom"
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<blockquote data-quote="dreamer" data-source="post: 139769" data-attributes="member: 1697"><p>any possibility difficult child simply did not know how to address letter to bm? (as in useing bms name, or a title or Ms. whatever?) </p><p></p><p>I know it is not just difficult children who are not always appreciative and grateful for what their parents have done for them etc. LOTS of people never stop to realize. </p><p>And some rationalize it out by saying to themself "hey I was the child and I had no vote in whether or not to be born, or anything, I did not ask anyone to be my parent" A good number of people do not realize until they themself become parents and are then in those same miserable shoes, and THEN they have a litebulb monet, oh wow, I am grateful for what my parents did for me. </p><p></p><p>If you know bm is likely not in a position to help difficult child or provide for her, or send her to college etc, than be careful. Bm seeems to have already made HER decision- many years ago, made her stance clear----how she lives her life now really is her own business..she did not subject difficult child to that life, she gave difficult child up. Really, it might not be fair to permit difficult child to grow unrealistic fantasies and it is not fair to bm, either, whether you like her as a person or not....Perosnally I would NOT encourage such a fantasy as difficult child might have about her bm suddenly becoming "perfect" </p><p>Yes, MANY adopted kids DO want to find a bm - they want to see from where they came.....and maybe they do want to get an answer to their "why mom"? That is not GFGness, thats pretty "normal" even if everything in their REAL family is perfect. </p><p>I am sure your difficult child is still haveing some ...issues....over the incident with your sis and bro in law. She prolly is angry at you for you doing your job as her mom. (I can picture her wondering why you are angry at her for what your sis and brother in law are doing right now) DOes that have anything to do with her decideing to write bm now? </p><p></p><p>I am confused about why difficult child should write to boyfriend? </p><p></p><p>I dunno, from where I am, I am wondering if difficult child is simply hurting inside herself, and grasping at fantasy....plus maybe trying to hurt you.....(misery loves company) Maybe she is feeling like well, if you do not love her, maybe bm does? It can be hard for kids this age to understand we as parents have a JOB to do, and we do it becuz we love them, not becuz we are mean or cold. I would be careful not to send her a message that she might not understand. Give her other options....such as..well at 18 you CAN move out. And leave bm out of it. DOn't encourage unrealistic fantasies re bm but be careful not to bash bm, either. (after all, difficult child has bm genes and to bash bm could be taken by difficult child as bashing her for her genes that she got from bm)</p><p> </p><p>It is almost Easter. I am hoping you may have changed your mind and your easy child is coming over. For your happiness, I hope husband decided to go to church with you anyway.but if he didn't, perhaps you can go anyway, even if you go alone. It is not uncommon for people to be upset and question their faith when things get difficult. But maybe he can still go with you if he views it tomorrow as simply a tradition, ritual, or social outing for now? </p><p>When we feel most abandoned and let down by our faith is when we need our faith the most. and when our children behave in a difficult way is when they most need our unconditional love. It is easy to have faith when things are going well, and it is easy to love unconditionally when everything is good. </p><p></p><p>BUT if husband still won't go to church- go anyway! Maayyyyyyyyybbeeeeee (with some luck) while you are at church, he can begin brunch prep or do breakfast cleanup or something nice? </p><p></p><p>SOrry you are hurting. Try to look at it all a lil differently. Maybe it will not feel the same way looking at it from a different point of view? Good luck. Happy Easter.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="dreamer, post: 139769, member: 1697"] any possibility difficult child simply did not know how to address letter to bm? (as in useing bms name, or a title or Ms. whatever?) I know it is not just difficult children who are not always appreciative and grateful for what their parents have done for them etc. LOTS of people never stop to realize. And some rationalize it out by saying to themself "hey I was the child and I had no vote in whether or not to be born, or anything, I did not ask anyone to be my parent" A good number of people do not realize until they themself become parents and are then in those same miserable shoes, and THEN they have a litebulb monet, oh wow, I am grateful for what my parents did for me. If you know bm is likely not in a position to help difficult child or provide for her, or send her to college etc, than be careful. Bm seeems to have already made HER decision- many years ago, made her stance clear----how she lives her life now really is her own business..she did not subject difficult child to that life, she gave difficult child up. Really, it might not be fair to permit difficult child to grow unrealistic fantasies and it is not fair to bm, either, whether you like her as a person or not....Perosnally I would NOT encourage such a fantasy as difficult child might have about her bm suddenly becoming "perfect" Yes, MANY adopted kids DO want to find a bm - they want to see from where they came.....and maybe they do want to get an answer to their "why mom"? That is not GFGness, thats pretty "normal" even if everything in their REAL family is perfect. I am sure your difficult child is still haveing some ...issues....over the incident with your sis and bro in law. She prolly is angry at you for you doing your job as her mom. (I can picture her wondering why you are angry at her for what your sis and brother in law are doing right now) DOes that have anything to do with her decideing to write bm now? I am confused about why difficult child should write to boyfriend? I dunno, from where I am, I am wondering if difficult child is simply hurting inside herself, and grasping at fantasy....plus maybe trying to hurt you.....(misery loves company) Maybe she is feeling like well, if you do not love her, maybe bm does? It can be hard for kids this age to understand we as parents have a JOB to do, and we do it becuz we love them, not becuz we are mean or cold. I would be careful not to send her a message that she might not understand. Give her other options....such as..well at 18 you CAN move out. And leave bm out of it. DOn't encourage unrealistic fantasies re bm but be careful not to bash bm, either. (after all, difficult child has bm genes and to bash bm could be taken by difficult child as bashing her for her genes that she got from bm) It is almost Easter. I am hoping you may have changed your mind and your easy child is coming over. For your happiness, I hope husband decided to go to church with you anyway.but if he didn't, perhaps you can go anyway, even if you go alone. It is not uncommon for people to be upset and question their faith when things get difficult. But maybe he can still go with you if he views it tomorrow as simply a tradition, ritual, or social outing for now? When we feel most abandoned and let down by our faith is when we need our faith the most. and when our children behave in a difficult way is when they most need our unconditional love. It is easy to have faith when things are going well, and it is easy to love unconditionally when everything is good. BUT if husband still won't go to church- go anyway! Maayyyyyyyyybbeeeeee (with some luck) while you are at church, he can begin brunch prep or do breakfast cleanup or something nice? SOrry you are hurting. Try to look at it all a lil differently. Maybe it will not feel the same way looking at it from a different point of view? Good luck. Happy Easter. [/QUOTE]
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