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Birthmom is now "Mom"
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<blockquote data-quote="Shari" data-source="post: 139897" data-attributes="member: 1848"><p>I never adopted difficult child 1. For this reason, I had to spend years dancing around that tiny little bit of a chance that either bio parent might go off on a drug-induced or girlfriend/boyfriend-induced sudden desire to come yank difficult child away. As much as I love him, my fear was mostly for him, not me. Neither of these people are capable of raising a child.</p><p> </p><p>In hind sight, tho, that was a blessing. I hauled difficult child to very infrequent events at his bio mom's or dad's house to appease her. And we're talking once every couple of years, max. The bio's(neither married), of course, promise this and that and never come thru, and difficult child learned how they really were. It hurt him, and it hurt me to see him hurt, but what could I do? </p><p> </p><p>He still held onto those dreams. Even just a year ago said he wished he was born into a "real" family (not angrily, just a fact). Tho the words hurt, I know what he means. He had a dream, and that dream can never come true.</p><p> </p><p>However, now that he's stationed 1000 miles away. After telling me he hated me and was never coming home. After doing his best to alienate this family before he left for boot camp. And after we let him throw his fits and answering all these "challenges" with a simple "we'll miss you, but we'll be here", who does he call every week? And sometimes, he doesn't even want to talk. He just sits on the phone and listens to sounds of "home" - literally, me interacting with difficult child 2, or doing dishes, or cooking dinner. And tells his buddies to turn the music down so he can talk to his "mom". That one tugs the heart strings every time.</p><p> </p><p>Of my kids and their challenges, difficult child 1 is the one with the best handle on this particular situation. I had a dream that he'd be part of my family and never question it. That wasn't real. He had a dream to be born into the Cleaver's. That wasn't real, either. </p><p> </p><p>He's learned, thru the school of hard knocks, where home is and who mom is. It took some letting go on my part and trusting it would happen. As many challenges as we've had with him, this isn't one anymore.</p><p> </p><p>I think all teens go soul searching around this point. They're trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in the world. They know enough to know that you are who you are partly because of your past, yet their past has a big unknown in it. For kids who aren't adopted, they look at their family tree. For kids who are adopted, they look at a fill in the blank test. </p><p> </p><p>This is a tough age, but if bm is the way you say she is, I'll bet difficult child will realize, in time, like mine, where home is and who mom is. But hugs for your hurt until then.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Shari, post: 139897, member: 1848"] I never adopted difficult child 1. For this reason, I had to spend years dancing around that tiny little bit of a chance that either bio parent might go off on a drug-induced or girlfriend/boyfriend-induced sudden desire to come yank difficult child away. As much as I love him, my fear was mostly for him, not me. Neither of these people are capable of raising a child. In hind sight, tho, that was a blessing. I hauled difficult child to very infrequent events at his bio mom's or dad's house to appease her. And we're talking once every couple of years, max. The bio's(neither married), of course, promise this and that and never come thru, and difficult child learned how they really were. It hurt him, and it hurt me to see him hurt, but what could I do? He still held onto those dreams. Even just a year ago said he wished he was born into a "real" family (not angrily, just a fact). Tho the words hurt, I know what he means. He had a dream, and that dream can never come true. However, now that he's stationed 1000 miles away. After telling me he hated me and was never coming home. After doing his best to alienate this family before he left for boot camp. And after we let him throw his fits and answering all these "challenges" with a simple "we'll miss you, but we'll be here", who does he call every week? And sometimes, he doesn't even want to talk. He just sits on the phone and listens to sounds of "home" - literally, me interacting with difficult child 2, or doing dishes, or cooking dinner. And tells his buddies to turn the music down so he can talk to his "mom". That one tugs the heart strings every time. Of my kids and their challenges, difficult child 1 is the one with the best handle on this particular situation. I had a dream that he'd be part of my family and never question it. That wasn't real. He had a dream to be born into the Cleaver's. That wasn't real, either. He's learned, thru the school of hard knocks, where home is and who mom is. It took some letting go on my part and trusting it would happen. As many challenges as we've had with him, this isn't one anymore. I think all teens go soul searching around this point. They're trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in the world. They know enough to know that you are who you are partly because of your past, yet their past has a big unknown in it. For kids who aren't adopted, they look at their family tree. For kids who are adopted, they look at a fill in the blank test. This is a tough age, but if bm is the way you say she is, I'll bet difficult child will realize, in time, like mine, where home is and who mom is. But hugs for your hurt until then. [/QUOTE]
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