Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Blame
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 666188" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>This subject of death and what that will mean for us and how we might prepare ourselves to approach it is an important one for those whose families of origin were hurtful. I have been present while families have come together around a loved one's death bed. For some families there is warmth and completion and deep sadness. For some, the person dying may as well not even be there. Crying divas and controlling males and roared accusations about things that don't matter. Tension so thick you have to concentrate to breathe; everyone with a knife in the back and one in each hand.</p><p></p><p>True.</p><p></p><p>Given our tendencies to blame ourselves for every single thing, it will help us to remember: Dysfunctional family, dysfunctional death.</p><p></p><p>I think often of my mother, and of my sister and brothers, and of how I see what is happening. I believe I am doing the best thing for myself and for my family. </p><p></p><p>My family of origin was like, way out there on the level of dysfunction scale.</p><p></p><p>I never knew that. I thought it was me. Even when I could see the wrongness? I thought I should be able to fix it. I have a little of that feeling now, surrounding the issues called by not seeing family of origin. It is a strangeness to note that over time, I turn things around. I come to believe myself responsible. I agonize over whether I should continue along this path...and then, D H will say: "You did not do this."</p><p></p><p>"Your mother did."</p><p></p><p>And it breaks my heart a little, to know he is right.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It's a good thing, I think, to have an idea of how we will come through sad times. That way, we know how to proceed when the time does come to pass. I always did like your thinking that you could explain to the person conducting the service that you would be more comfortable grieving in private with only your immediate family around you. It's an unnecessary stress to add worries about how our dysfunctional sibs will behave during a time that is sacred to us.</p><p> </p><p>It's like my friend said: Dysfunctional family, dysfunctional death. It sounds awful to say it, but her comment helped me understand that, just as our lives with our families of origin have been so out of balance around other family occasions, so our times of grief will be unbalanced, too.</p><p></p><p>It's the relationship you have to your father that matters. It's that you give yourself time to honor and love him and grieve him that matters.</p><p></p><p>Our sisters will make even the death of a parent all about them.</p><p></p><p>That is just the way it is, for us.</p><p></p><p>We need to be wise, and we need to take especially good care of ourselves in times of grief. Our families will not be there to support one another. They will change even our grief into something discordant and strange.</p><p></p><p>At least, that is what has happened in my family of origin.</p><p></p><p>It's an unbelievable thing...but it's better for us to know that, and to remember what is real for us, and not to believe everything is going to change for the better when we've lost someone we love.</p><p></p><p>Dysfunctional family, dysfunctional death.</p><p></p><p>Ouch.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I do.</p><p></p><p>I am very into blaming, just recently. It's more naming than blaming, maybe. I still have a sense of disbelief about all of it. I believed we did not see, and that if we went forward with good intentions, we could make a family of ourselves. That never happened. What I am able to see now is that it wasn't that we couldn't see. It is, and it always was, that the family was so weirdly out of whack about everything. What I don't understand is why that would be what they would choose.</p><p></p><p>Like always, I don't get the win.</p><p></p><p>But that's okay.</p><p></p><p>What I am coming to understand through all this naming and blaming I have been doing just lately is that the thing that I am upset about is who I don't get to be because of who they insist they will be.</p><p></p><p>I want that freaking dinner.</p><p></p><p>They do not owe that to me.</p><p></p><p>They don't owe me anything, really. Nothing at all. As I am coming to see that, as that feeling of resentment over what did happen, over what it is I do have instead of what it is that I wish I had or feel cheated in not having had ~ I don't know. It has to do with a sense of personal resentment. Once I know why these things are happening to all of us, I seem to be letting go of the shame and anger.</p><p></p><p>So, that's a good thing, then.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, the same good things are happening for them, now that I am out of the picture. That could be. It must have been hard for them too, to have me always judging them for who they were not.</p><p></p><p>But then, I remember my mom drawing her arm back, like she was going to hit me. And I was sixty, and visiting her with my granddaughters.</p><p></p><p>And, she was eighty.</p><p></p><p>And thought that was a funny thing to do.</p><p></p><p>But you know? I was bigger than she was, when that happened.</p><p></p><p>I'm just saying.</p><p></p><p>In the times she was remembering when she did that? She was way bigger than the thirty to fifty pound little girl. And those times were not just a threat. </p><p></p><p>And she may have thought that was a funny thing to do then, too.</p><p></p><p>Go figure, right?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is very true, Serenity. I am doing a mental shift here with my blaming, I think. I feel acceptance now, where I felt shame, before. They just do what they do.</p><p></p><p>Nothing to do with me; not really.</p><p></p><p>The win is different for them than it is for me. That's why I can't see it.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 666188, member: 17461"] This subject of death and what that will mean for us and how we might prepare ourselves to approach it is an important one for those whose families of origin were hurtful. I have been present while families have come together around a loved one's death bed. For some families there is warmth and completion and deep sadness. For some, the person dying may as well not even be there. Crying divas and controlling males and roared accusations about things that don't matter. Tension so thick you have to concentrate to breathe; everyone with a knife in the back and one in each hand. True. Given our tendencies to blame ourselves for every single thing, it will help us to remember: Dysfunctional family, dysfunctional death. I think often of my mother, and of my sister and brothers, and of how I see what is happening. I believe I am doing the best thing for myself and for my family. My family of origin was like, way out there on the level of dysfunction scale. I never knew that. I thought it was me. Even when I could see the wrongness? I thought I should be able to fix it. I have a little of that feeling now, surrounding the issues called by not seeing family of origin. It is a strangeness to note that over time, I turn things around. I come to believe myself responsible. I agonize over whether I should continue along this path...and then, D H will say: "You did not do this." "Your mother did." And it breaks my heart a little, to know he is right. It's a good thing, I think, to have an idea of how we will come through sad times. That way, we know how to proceed when the time does come to pass. I always did like your thinking that you could explain to the person conducting the service that you would be more comfortable grieving in private with only your immediate family around you. It's an unnecessary stress to add worries about how our dysfunctional sibs will behave during a time that is sacred to us. It's like my friend said: Dysfunctional family, dysfunctional death. It sounds awful to say it, but her comment helped me understand that, just as our lives with our families of origin have been so out of balance around other family occasions, so our times of grief will be unbalanced, too. It's the relationship you have to your father that matters. It's that you give yourself time to honor and love him and grieve him that matters. Our sisters will make even the death of a parent all about them. That is just the way it is, for us. We need to be wise, and we need to take especially good care of ourselves in times of grief. Our families will not be there to support one another. They will change even our grief into something discordant and strange. At least, that is what has happened in my family of origin. It's an unbelievable thing...but it's better for us to know that, and to remember what is real for us, and not to believe everything is going to change for the better when we've lost someone we love. Dysfunctional family, dysfunctional death. Ouch. I do. I am very into blaming, just recently. It's more naming than blaming, maybe. I still have a sense of disbelief about all of it. I believed we did not see, and that if we went forward with good intentions, we could make a family of ourselves. That never happened. What I am able to see now is that it wasn't that we couldn't see. It is, and it always was, that the family was so weirdly out of whack about everything. What I don't understand is why that would be what they would choose. Like always, I don't get the win. But that's okay. What I am coming to understand through all this naming and blaming I have been doing just lately is that the thing that I am upset about is who I don't get to be because of who they insist they will be. I want that freaking dinner. They do not owe that to me. They don't owe me anything, really. Nothing at all. As I am coming to see that, as that feeling of resentment over what did happen, over what it is I do have instead of what it is that I wish I had or feel cheated in not having had ~ I don't know. It has to do with a sense of personal resentment. Once I know why these things are happening to all of us, I seem to be letting go of the shame and anger. So, that's a good thing, then. Maybe, the same good things are happening for them, now that I am out of the picture. That could be. It must have been hard for them too, to have me always judging them for who they were not. But then, I remember my mom drawing her arm back, like she was going to hit me. And I was sixty, and visiting her with my granddaughters. And, she was eighty. And thought that was a funny thing to do. But you know? I was bigger than she was, when that happened. I'm just saying. In the times she was remembering when she did that? She was way bigger than the thirty to fifty pound little girl. And those times were not just a threat. And she may have thought that was a funny thing to do then, too. Go figure, right? This is very true, Serenity. I am doing a mental shift here with my blaming, I think. I feel acceptance now, where I felt shame, before. They just do what they do. Nothing to do with me; not really. The win is different for them than it is for me. That's why I can't see it. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
Blame
Top