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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 666197" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I agree? But I want my people. I wish for the good ways this could be. I want that dinner I always used to post about. They...it seems like they like to trick me. Or ridicule me. (What would Cedar do.) It feels like I am in a life and death struggle over something that must be really important when all I thought I was doing is just being a person.</p><p></p><p>Betrayal, then.</p><p></p><p>I think what happens is that I feel less-than, once I understand that they mean to do what they do.</p><p></p><p>I am still surprised at that.</p><p></p><p>I still feel like if I could just explain that whatever it was that I did to leave them seeing me as they seem to see me, that wasn't what I meant. Then, I go into this really huge anger phase because they've been tricking me. I feel angry with myself for having been so foolish. I used to post this all the time: I have been a fool for lesser things.</p><p></p><p>Now, that thing that mattered to me...I am of two minds about it all, right now. </p><p></p><p>I am glad that I believed we could do this. At the same time, I am upset with myself, wondering if it was cowardice after all, and not something more noble, that has fueled my behavior. Then, I remember that part of shame is to work things around just the way I am doing it, so that I feel a sense of control.</p><p></p><p>But here's the thing. </p><p></p><p>I don't know what the thing is.</p><p></p><p>We will just do the best we can, then.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Blaming is part of seeing more clearly. Betrayal, and self betrayal too, figure into this.</p><p></p><p><em>Pray for their peace and therein, find our own.</em></p><p></p><p>That comforts me alot, as we go through this layer.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 666197, member: 17461"] I agree? But I want my people. I wish for the good ways this could be. I want that dinner I always used to post about. They...it seems like they like to trick me. Or ridicule me. (What would Cedar do.) It feels like I am in a life and death struggle over something that must be really important when all I thought I was doing is just being a person. Betrayal, then. I think what happens is that I feel less-than, once I understand that they mean to do what they do. I am still surprised at that. I still feel like if I could just explain that whatever it was that I did to leave them seeing me as they seem to see me, that wasn't what I meant. Then, I go into this really huge anger phase because they've been tricking me. I feel angry with myself for having been so foolish. I used to post this all the time: I have been a fool for lesser things. Now, that thing that mattered to me...I am of two minds about it all, right now. I am glad that I believed we could do this. At the same time, I am upset with myself, wondering if it was cowardice after all, and not something more noble, that has fueled my behavior. Then, I remember that part of shame is to work things around just the way I am doing it, so that I feel a sense of control. But here's the thing. I don't know what the thing is. We will just do the best we can, then. Cedar Blaming is part of seeing more clearly. Betrayal, and self betrayal too, figure into this. [I]Pray for their peace and therein, find our own.[/I] That comforts me alot, as we go through this layer. [/QUOTE]
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