I agree? But I want my people. I wish for the good ways this could be. I want that dinner I always used to post about. They...it seems like they like to trick me. Or ridicule me. (What would Cedar do.) It feels like I am in a life and death struggle over something that must be really important when all I thought I was doing is just being a person.
Betrayal, then.
I think what happens is that I feel less-than, once I understand that they mean to do what they do.
I am still surprised at that.
I still feel like if I could just explain that whatever it was that I did to leave them seeing me as they seem to see me, that wasn't what I meant. Then, I go into this really huge anger phase because they've been tricking me. I feel angry with myself for having been so foolish. I used to post this all the time: I have been a fool for lesser things.
Now, that thing that mattered to me...I am of two minds about it all, right now.
I am glad that I believed we could do this. At the same time, I am upset with myself, wondering if it was cowardice after all, and not something more noble, that has fueled my behavior. Then, I remember that part of shame is to work things around just the way I am doing it, so that I feel a sense of control.
But here's the thing.
I don't know what the thing is.
We will just do the best we can, then.
Cedar
Blaming is part of seeing more clearly. Betrayal, and self betrayal too, figure into this.
Pray for their peace and therein, find our own.
That comforts me alot, as we go through this layer.
