Okay. So, what is happening here is that I am giving up a role. In the role of "I believe we can do this" I could not take anything they were doing seriously as it applied to me.
It p**** me off when they do things to other people because that shows an intention I cannot disregard or cover or make sense of.
My brother.
My daughter.
I was excusing what they did to me because I could, until the wrongnesses became so outrageously blatant after my father's death.
I think this is true because I was afraid my sister would come here. I was afraid too, when she promise/threatened to call me when she came here where we all come in the summer.
It's like she was saying that I was standing up from several states away, but that she knew I would buckle when she was like, twenty minutes away.
And I was afraid because, at that point in my healing, she was making an accurate assumption.
I would have made that dinner I was always posting about. In the past, that was my forever solution. See, everyone? We don't have to be mean.
But they want to be mean.
Huh.
That is the thing that makes me so angry. They want to be mean. They feel self righteous no matter how wrong I think they are. They want what they want. It looks nothing like I want it to look, so they go ahead and use that against me, too.
Roar.
I feel so foolish.
As we come through this, we will never be afraid in those same ways.
We will have integrity, will have integrated selves; they won't be able to shatter us into our roles, which were to excuse their badness, and the bad behaviors their badness enabled.
Okay. So I am not being very clear on this, just yet. But it's in there, I just know it.
They are dirty rats. (Cedar hisses, channeling some gangster from those old movies. Jimmy Cagney, probably.)
Oh, wait.
I meant, "Pray for their peace and therein, find our own."
Those dirty rats.
Remember the Joe Friday video? That goes here.
Okay. so, I couldn't find that one. But this one, which is like, twenty minutes long, is a perfect representation of what the three of us are doing. I get to be Joe Friday.
:O)
[MEDIA=youtube]Jnhj7z_EdUs[/MEDIA]
Cedar
