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<blockquote data-quote="Echolette" data-source="post: 708949" data-attributes="member: 17269"><p>I am going to weigh in a little on detaching, if I may...and take everything I say with a grain of salt, remembering that we are all very different, have different issues and timelines, but also remembering that I have been where you are...</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>If you don't want him to come over you don't need to ask him any questions....no opening the door to justifications or exceptions. You can just say "I don't want you to come over today" or even "you can't come over today" or, least aggressive, "today is not a good day to come over. Lets talk about this tomorrow (or Sunday, or whenever is good FOR YOU). He'll say "WHAT???? Are you saying I can't come over????" and you can repeat "today is not a good day. I want to talk about this in person on Sunday." and he'll say "are you saying I can't come over till Sunday?" and you say "I want to talk about this in person." Keep to the facts...YOUR facts. You don't want him to come over. You will need to tell him the new rules (no coming over if you aren't home, no coming over unannoucned, only come over on a schedule (sundays at 2 for example) no bringing friends of any kind, etc. But you don't need to have that conversation when HE wants to , right now, by text or by phone..you can set the time and stage. Your house. Your life. Your daughter. Your rights. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I fully support this. We were in the same position. He should not be coming to the house when you are not there. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This one I would leave alone. Honestly, he probably knows this. If he doesn't know, your telling him won't help. He isn't in a place to hear it, and it will distract from the main conversation..he will start in with.."I can fix things with her if you would just let me come over ..." Save this detail for a later date if ever. Leave her out...think of it as protecting her. You don't want it to turn into him calling and texting her and blaming her for his being shut out. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Totally agree. I would also move towards more major boundaries..only come over x time/week. No friends. Only stay for an hour. Or, to frame it more positively, "you are welcome to come over for a pancake breakfast every Saturday at 9. Other than that, we'll have to keep our contact to phone calls and texting."</p><p></p><p>Good luck. If you aren't ready for these steps, don't do them. But know that they are possible, and they are entirely within your rights, and those of your daughter. </p><p></p><p>Echo</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Echolette, post: 708949, member: 17269"] I am going to weigh in a little on detaching, if I may...and take everything I say with a grain of salt, remembering that we are all very different, have different issues and timelines, but also remembering that I have been where you are... If you don't want him to come over you don't need to ask him any questions....no opening the door to justifications or exceptions. You can just say "I don't want you to come over today" or even "you can't come over today" or, least aggressive, "today is not a good day to come over. Lets talk about this tomorrow (or Sunday, or whenever is good FOR YOU). He'll say "WHAT???? Are you saying I can't come over????" and you can repeat "today is not a good day. I want to talk about this in person on Sunday." and he'll say "are you saying I can't come over till Sunday?" and you say "I want to talk about this in person." Keep to the facts...YOUR facts. You don't want him to come over. You will need to tell him the new rules (no coming over if you aren't home, no coming over unannoucned, only come over on a schedule (sundays at 2 for example) no bringing friends of any kind, etc. But you don't need to have that conversation when HE wants to , right now, by text or by phone..you can set the time and stage. Your house. Your life. Your daughter. Your rights. I fully support this. We were in the same position. He should not be coming to the house when you are not there. This one I would leave alone. Honestly, he probably knows this. If he doesn't know, your telling him won't help. He isn't in a place to hear it, and it will distract from the main conversation..he will start in with.."I can fix things with her if you would just let me come over ..." Save this detail for a later date if ever. Leave her out...think of it as protecting her. You don't want it to turn into him calling and texting her and blaming her for his being shut out. Totally agree. I would also move towards more major boundaries..only come over x time/week. No friends. Only stay for an hour. Or, to frame it more positively, "you are welcome to come over for a pancake breakfast every Saturday at 9. Other than that, we'll have to keep our contact to phone calls and texting." Good luck. If you aren't ready for these steps, don't do them. But know that they are possible, and they are entirely within your rights, and those of your daughter. Echo [/QUOTE]
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